Dear all, this week the latest birth figures were released, and fewer and fewer babies are being born in Germany. When we shared the study on Instagram, a few mums got in touch with us, saying: I understand. Under these circumstances, I wouldn’t recommend having children today either.
I asked for more details, and once wrote the sentence „I wouldn’t bring children into THIS society“ in reply: „But the new babies ARE the new society, aren’t they“. It also occurred to me that children are born even in war zones, that even there there seems to be hope. And that, in contrast, we here in Germany are still doing well, after all.
One mum was willing to answer our questions about why she nevertheless finds the circumstances unbearable.
Dearest, you say you are a single parent and „fortunately a civil servant“, but that it is still a daily struggle. In what way?
I have been separated since 2018 and have been a single parent ever since; my children are now almost 14 and 11, so fortunately they are past the worst of it. The older child now lives with me full-time, the other under a flexible alternating care arrangement.
After the separation, I looked after the children under a traditional residential care arrangement, including during the Covid-19/home-schooling period. The alternating care arrangement was introduced later at the father’s initiative, but that only works with one child.
I moved to our current place of residence; I’m not originally from here, so I have no family or local support. Or to put it another way: I’m raising the children on my own.
You also say that childcare isn’t really compatible with work and is currently becoming more difficult again. What exactly is complicating things?
Why do I find childcare so difficult to balance? Well, the nursery closing at 4 pm was hard to reconcile with an inevitably almost full-time job. Especially as my office is 50 km away in the city. That only worked with the help of a babysitter. Financially, it was possible, but it was also necessary. Still, this model isn’t ideal.
You rush through life without a break, always at your limit. You completely wear yourself out. And yet you have to keep going, because there’s no backup. Running the family as a one-woman show isn’t ideal. At least not without family support.
I’m glad my children are becoming more independent, that I’m getting more space for myself again. Business trips are expected in my job. Organising that in recent years, well… it was a challenge. Paying for my mum to travel by train to see us was one way. Another way was to get friends to take over, and babysitters were involved again too.
Most of the time, however, I had to give it a miss and couldn’t attend important meetings. Because when illness strikes, even the best organisation is no help; everything falls apart. And actually, I’m glad that, apart from the pandemic, I was still able to rely on reliable childcare. With fewer unplanned closures than I’m now seeing among colleagues.
After all, working with (young) children isn’t possible even when working from home. For a few hours, yes, but not full days and certainly not for hours on end. But at least working from home makes working possible at all by eliminating travel time. Flexible working hours help too – but it’s not a true work-life balance.
Children need support, time and encouragement. Even as they get older. With secondary schools operating as half-day schools, cooking lunch on your own comes into play. Especially with perpetually hungry teenagers, you can plan it all and somehow work around it. It does work. But: you burn out in the long run. Sitting down at the computer again regularly in the evenings costs you sleep; that works in the short term, but not in the long run.
You also say that the issue of school relies heavily on parental involvement. What exactly do you mean by that, and do you have any ideas on how things could run better or differently?
The fact that our children only go to school part-time is one of the issues. And then there’s also the need for help, support and homework supervision. I don’t want to complain too much; my two are good learners, independent and need little support.
Testing their vocabulary, giving them space so they can study with friends – they do all that themselves. So, fundamentally, I’m very grateful that learning comes easily to both of them. But I also know that this isn’t the norm, that I’m simply lucky in that respect.
You also see a need for action in family law, protection against violence and maintenance law. What’s going wrong there and could be improved?
Take post-separation violence, for instance. I’m not referring to physical violence, but everything else in all its forms: shared custody without maintenance payments, for example. These are simply claims that can only be pursued privately and end up becoming time-barred in a legal ping-pong match.
Especially as one must also simply consider the cost-effectiveness of legal remedies here: is the costly battle, which ties up all resources, worth it? I decided against it. Peace and tranquillity are more important to me. But also because I can work a lot and flexibly, adapt working time arrangements flexibly and thus support us financially.
Legal proceedings simply drain a lot of energy, are very stressful, and rob you of the peace of mind you need for the children. As a carer, you simply lack the energy for such additional battlegrounds. In family law, being in the right and getting justice are increasingly worlds apart. The father’s rights are prioritised over those of the mother and also the children.
If a child refuses to see you, the causes aren’t investigated; instead, as a mother, you’re confronted with accusations of alienation. These are bitter experiences that no one should have to go through.
I am in the fortunate position of being able to provide well for us on my own, though I now also receive at least child maintenance regularly. I am aware, however, that my salary is well above average and that my financial situation is a privileged one.
That I can afford to forego enforcing our rights. But that others simply cannot. That they are dependent on maintenance. Especially with younger children, even if you’re self-sufficient, you can’t work full-time. Not even when working from home. And you end up in lower-paid jobs.
Is it true that, overall, you would advise people against having children if they don’t have a safety net of family and friends?
When I look at current politics and the visible backlash, based on my own experiences and observations, I cannot wholeheartedly recommend having children. Not for women.
There is no guarantee that relationships will last. People change. And often, when you’re looking through rose-tinted glasses, you don’t see things clearly, and the dad you imagined would be perfect turns out to be a narcissist with no sense of responsibility whatsoever.
What would need to change in society to improve your situation and that of many mothers?
How well a society functions is reflected in how it treats its most vulnerable members. Yet the current austerity measures are targeting precisely that. For example, the scrapping of advance maintenance payments from the age of 12… Therefore: At present, I would only say YES to having children if you have family support and are financially secure, and if, in a pinch, the woman can manage everything on her own. Otherwise: No, I would advise against it.
And if you have a very strong desire to have children without family support, well, then you absolutely must build a support network beforehand. Plan for support early on. Seek out that famous ‘village’ needed for raising children. Raising children is a long-term commitment; it is one, no, actually the decision of a lifetime.
And now I’m just realising that I’m getting tired. My brain is unfortunately already switching off; that’s just the crux of it… that your brain and body set limits. Life simply doesn’t work on willpower alone, however strong that may be. At some point, the rest of you shows you the red card. Unfortunately.
