Seven Weeks Into Fifth Grade, We're Both Overwhelmed

Hi, everyone! In Germany, kids switch to a new school after fourth grade, and in many families that move brings a bit of chaos at first. The routines are new, the teachers are new, the classmates are new, and kids and parents alike can feel dizzy until everything settles in. Here, one mom tells us how overwhelmed her son is, and how it's starting to spill over into their relationship. Suddenly there's just so much pressure.

Things are a little wild at your house right now with your 10-year-old. Tell us what's going on?

Hi, my son has been in fifth grade at his new school for seven weeks now, and it's overwhelming him more and more. The school is very big. There are nine fifth-grade classes. On top of that there are lots of new kids, an open floor plan (meaning no doors on the main classroom), and long school days.

We chose the all-day program together with him. School now goes until 3 p.m. But every day there are periods during school hours that are used only to review what they've already learned, basically the same idea as homework. In exchange, there's no homework at home at all.

There are also no more emails with important information from the homeroom teacher like we had in elementary school. Information goes only to the kids. Do we need a school backpack or a regular backpack for the hiking week (a week-long class trip)? Which vocab words do they need to learn for the test? What color should the religion class folder be? Which pencil is missing for art? When are the upcoming exams? And so on. 

Even though they practiced this a bit in fourth grade, suddenly the kids have to be so much more independent. The class is very loud, and he has a hard time concentrating. And the more that rains down on him, the less he manages to keep straight.

In the second week there was already a music presentation to prepare at home. At home? Wait, weren't we in the all-day class with no homework? Starting in week four, the weekly vocab quizzes began. Now, in weeks seven and eight, four big exams are coming up. Studying runs our whole day.

Can you describe the most recent situation where you felt pretty overwhelmed as a mom?

For a week now we've been studying at home for the English test. After eight hours of school, we keep studying at home. English is hard for him, and it's not one of his favorite subjects. So we drill and drill, back and forth, all through Lesson 1 of the English textbook.

By now I've bought every piece of extra material that goes with the textbook. It's a slog. His concentration is gone after school. But the material is nowhere near sinking in. So we keep going. But we're going in circles. After days, the vocab and the exercises still haven't stuck. Nothing stays in his head.

And in the back of my mind is the pressure that science, math, and German are coming up next week too. He has to study for those as well. How are we supposed to get it all done? So plans with friends drop to zero. Swim practice has to be skipped this week, and in the evenings there are tears to comfort. Overwhelm on both sides.

What was it like over summer break? Was your son already nervous before he started at the new school? If so, how did you notice?

No, he wasn't nervous at all. Only a day or two before did he start to feel a little excited. On the first day of school, his most important question was whether he'd be in a class with his friends again. Then came the reality check that afternoon: only one single friend is in the new class with him. There are 25 kids in total, 17 of them girls. 😉

Could it be that there was a lot of excitement and euphoria at the beginning, and now the exhaustion is setting in a bit? Like: Whoa, this is my new life now?

The first week was full of excitement. There were no real classes yet. The new students got to know their class and the school. How does it work in the cafeteria, at the snack kiosk, or with the school buses? Lots of logistics, basically. In week three there was already a hiking week. But starting in week four, things changed. Now he's realizing that he often can't spend his afternoons outside with his friends anymore. That's what he misses most.

I once wrote a piece called “Hug Your Kids When They Lose It,” and the idea was that they're simply overwhelmed when they're new somewhere. Can you pull that off?

Sometimes, not always, I have to admit. But then his dad manages it.   

What do you wish for the two of you and your relationship over the next months and years?

I want him to have more structure in his school days. I want him to be able to concentrate again, so he can take in more in class. I hope our relationship won't always be as tense as it is right now.

I hope he knows he gets all the support he needs from me. I don't want to put even more pressure on him than he already has. I want to help him cope. I want him to know, even on bad days, how much I love him.

Oh, and a little more calm wouldn't hurt me, either. 😉