My Book on Parenting Teens, Teen Time, Is Out Today

Hi, friends! TEEN TIME is out today, and I want to celebrate with all of you! It never stops amazing me how everything rattling around in your head ends up on a laptop in some quiet corner of the house, and then, somehow, in print as an actual book.

This is my seventh book, but my first as a solo author, which means I'm the only one who has to answer for it if there's nonsense in there 😉! It's also my first with the publisher Humboldt. The whole process was completely different from what I'm used to, with a new publisher, new people, and different ways of working. Pretty exciting stuff.

How the TEEN TIME book came to be

And I'll tell you what: it was supposed to be a guide, and it did become a guide, but I really struggled with giving tips at first. On the blog, I'm more about offering ideas for how things CAN go, not how they MUST. So I had to figure out a middle ground, something that doesn't sound like I know exactly how it's done 😉 but that readers can still take plenty away from.

On top of that, it felt really strange to speak to readers directly as “you.” On the blog I mostly say “we,” as in “Let's see how we can figure this out.” So I had a hard time just getting started and setting out on the road.

Because yes, a book really is a road. It takes a lot of focus so that the whole thing fits together in the end and has some kind of arc. And whew, I've never written a book where I wanted to fit in so much, because over the years we've collected so, so many valuable Teen Time columns here. You have to keep track of it all! Which topics go in, which stay out, what belongs where, how do I rewrite them so they fit with the rest of the book? My brain is still sore just from typing this 😉

So my standards were pretty high. Then the first feedback came in, along with some wonderful editing, and now it gets to go out into the world, and it all worked out! You can't imagine how curious I am to hear what you think. I've already done a few interviews as part of the press work for the book, and some of them ran way too long, so I pulled together a few answers about the content that would otherwise get lost, but that might be interesting to you…

How do I deal with a kid who just doesn't feel like doing anything?

How would we want to be treated on a day when we feel like doing nothing? Probably with the understanding that days like that happen, and with some confidence that this phase will pass, right? Just because our kids are flooded with hormones doesn't mean they stop being people.

And people who don't feel like doing anything mostly want to feel seen and taken seriously right where they are. No smirking, no little jokes, just meeting them at eye level. I've never heard of a kid who stayed grumpy forever.

How does active listening help with teenagers?

We let our kid be for a moment. We don't toss tips or solutions into the conversation; we reflect back what we're noticing. If our child tells us a teacher or someone in the friend group was awful, it helps to start with “Oh, that really hurt you” instead of chiming in with “That's outrageous, how dare they, you march in there tomorrow and stand up for yourself.”

Our kids already carry a lot inside them and come up with good ideas on their own. Advice can quickly feel less like a helping hand and more like a shove. What often helps more is simply getting their own thoughts out without having them judged right away. It doesn't always work, of course, but it's worth a try.

Why do kids who grow up in the same family develop so differently in the teen years?

Ha. And not just in the teen years. Siblings can turn out very differently throughout their whole lives! Do we have siblings ourselves? How different are they from us? Or do we have several kids of our own? How different are they? That can take some pressure off us as parents! In Cologne we say “Jeder Jeck ist anders,” which roughly means everybody's a little bit crazy in their own way, and that goes for families too. As parents we do our best, of course, but that “best” is going to land differently with each of our kids, which is why it pays to stay true to ourselves.

Sometimes it's hard to tell whether a teen's behavior is still “normal” and something the family can absorb, or whether it's time to get professional help. How do you figure that out?

I find the question “Is this life-threatening or not?” really helpful in these wild years. Pants with colorful cat faces on them don't fall under that. A TikTok challenge where kids cut off their air until they pass out absolutely does. And even then, I wouldn't automatically recommend professional help if it happens just once. Conversations help first. It's different with self-harm or when addiction is in the picture. So if I see danger as a parent and don't know what to do myself, then bringing in professionals shows strength.

Is parenting a teen also about standing for something?

As parents we're willing to compromise, of course, but we hold on to our core beliefs. Our kid knows where they stand with us.  We stay the lighthouse (it doesn't chase after anyone, but it's always there to give direction). And yes, that takes strength, and sometimes that means crying into your own pillow at night, questioning yourself and your parenting, and worrying whether everything will turn out okay.

But it's worth sticking with it. Not with discipline tactics and long lists of punishments, but, at best, with asking questions and listening. With the offer to get through all of it together, and always with the thought that just by being who we are and doing what we do, we're already role models, and that what we model and pour into them does land. Sometimes it also helps to ask ourselves whether what's worrying us right now will still matter in five years, or whether we'll end up mentioning it with a smile in the wedding toast for our child.

How much of their own feelings should parents show their kids?

I'm not a fan of ultimate secret formulas or blanket answers, but I'm a huge fan of authenticity. If parents talk about feelings a lot anyway, then they should do it with their kids too, and not put on an act. Teens pick up on it regardless; they sense the faintest vibes. I'm an emotional person myself. My kids see me cry when I'm not doing well and laugh when something's funny. For them that's just part of life, and they're learning that it's part of life in our family, and that none of us are machines.

Why can we encourage all parents, despite all the problems?

The fact that the teen years are automatically linked with problems is what motivated me to call the book “Teen Time.” It's so nicely neutral. If we talk about remarkable steps in development instead of problems, that already puts us in a much better mood, doesn't it? I think the teen years could use a new image, moving away from the problematic and toward the surprising.

I also hear from a lot of parents who say, “Huh, the teen years weren't that bad for us. Is my kid broken?” And that's a shame! Yes, in many families challenges come up when kids start making their way into adulthood. But if we know who we are and where we stand, and we get the chance to meet things with some humor, then parents can even see themselves as documentary filmmakers in a very special phase of life, and just marvel!

We were so in awe of every milestone our babies reached, so why shouldn't we stay fans of our kids through all the twists and turns that sometimes seem strange to us in our teenagers? Especially when they develop in ways we never imagined. At least, as I said above, as long as life isn't in danger. There's so much that's surprising and so much to learn. “Eye-opening” is what our teens would probably call it… (though they'd find even that word cringe)

And really: if you like TEEN TIME, or you just feel like supporting me, please share it on social media and tell people about it. It's gotten so hard in the creative industry that it would be absolutely wonderful if as many people as possible simply heard about it.

Like I said: even if you don't own it, you can grab the cover from our Instagram feed (or message me) and just drop it into your story. Thank you all so much, and now I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed that it can help as many people as possible! That would be my biggest wish.