"I Spent Way Too Long Living for Everyone Else"

Hi, loves! Antonia from Mamaalltag in stark wrote to us when we asked about your wins so far in 2026. She told us she had finally started therapy! Here's why that's such a big win for her, and what's helping her most.

Antonia, we asked about your wins and you wrote, “I started therapy.” What does it mean to you that you're getting help now?

Yes, that's my very personal win right now. Just getting a spot with a therapist in the first place, of course. But also that I dared to take this path, accept help, and admit to myself that I need support.

So that I can live my life as a mom, and above all live as myself, healthy and strong and positive again. I'm at the beginning of therapy, and I can probably only guess at how big this will turn out to be. But starting down this road is definitely one of my wins for 2026…

You're a single mom with two kids, 11 and 14. Is there any contact with their father?

No. Even though there was a court-ordered visitation arrangement, in 2019 the kids' father decided he would only accept a 50/50 custody schedule, or else no visits at all. Since the court turned down 50/50 for a number of reasons, there's been no contact since.

After that you were in an eight-year blended-family relationship that fell apart last summer… and that cost you your job, too. Describe what state you were in back then.

It was bad. I hadn't been doing well for weeks (months? years?) beforehand, but I wanted to keep going. Keep functioning. I was nowhere near aware of that at the time.

I worked for my ex-partner, and on the night we broke up it was already clear I'd be fired too. I had spent weeks, no, months, trying to hold everything together and function for everyone and everything except myself. After all that, I felt like a huge loser and failure.

My life stood on three pillars: my kids, my relationship, my job. Suddenly two of them were gone. Popped like a soap bubble. I found myself in total emptiness. I cried a lot. I functioned for my kids (it was summer break!), but inside I was dead.

What did that look like?

I had no appetite and I was afraid to fall asleep. I didn't want to talk to anyone. After a week, I started writing job applications like I was on remote control (because that's just what you do when you lose your job!). All I got were rejections, and I felt more worthless with every one.

Slowly I was able to open up to a friend, and she urged me to get a doctor's note for sick leave and finally take care of just myself for once. Apart from two months, I'd worked full-time for almost ten years, ever since splitting from the kids' father.

Going on sick leave was really hard for me at first. No task. Nothing to keep me busy. My family doctor had strongly advised me to start therapy. The paperwork said “moderate depressive episode,” and I didn't want to believe it. My patterns ran so deep that I thought all I needed was another job and everything would be fine again. Depression? That's something other people get.

You could have had a spot in a day clinic, but you chose a new job offer instead. What were you thinking at the time?

I started looking for therapy options. There, too, all I got were rejections, or at best a spot on a waiting list. In the meantime I kept applying, because that's what you do. And then I was actually offered a job. The work sounded exciting and challenging.

I think I figured this was my chance to show everyone that the whole depression thing didn't apply to me, so I took the job. On the day I signed the contract, I called the day treatment program, which had offered me a spot three weeks out, and turned it down. My thought “Other people have it worse than I do” of course confirmed that I was doing the right thing.

Then, after a short time, you were laid off from that job too, for business reasons. Was there anyone who could catch you during that time?

The layoff came as a total surprise. I never felt comfortable there, but I worked really hard because I was determined to prove I could make it. And since I was never given any concrete reasons for the layoff, I fell into an even deeper hole than the summer before.

The self-doubt and the fear for my livelihood from that summer were instantly back, two and three times over. To me, this layoff was one more proof that I'm simply a failure. My mom and my closest friends were there for me in a big way. They listened, picked me up for walks, and cried with me, which I honestly couldn't always handle. After all, now my failure was a burden on other people, too.

After a longer stretch of sick leave, you're back in a job and in therapy at the same time. How's that going, and what does it give you?

Yes, I went on sick leave again. I had a wonderful doctor who took away all the pressure, and especially the feeling that I had to justify myself. She strongly encouraged me to take whatever time and get whatever help I wanted.

Once again the paperwork said “moderate depression due to burnout.” It wasn't easy, but this time I was able to accept it. I got a referral code, which in Germany helps you find a therapist faster, and just three weeks later I was actually sitting in a therapist's office for a first meeting. Probably a lucky coincidence that it went so fast.

We got to know each other, and I felt right away how good it was to finally have a space where nobody would evaluate or judge me. There were a lot of tears. The first few appointments felt like running a marathon, and I was always totally wiped out afterward.

I also kept battling with myself. Was I even worth this treatment, didn't other people have it worse, and so on. But my therapist picked me back up every single time. After those first few appointments, I had another job offer on the table. With the encouragement I got in therapy, I took the leap and accepted it.

What have you found out lately that surprised you, thanks to therapy?

We got to the topic really quickly: I have this strong feeling of not being enough, that failing clearly means I'm not enough. Or that I didn't perform well enough (in my relationship as much as at work). We also talk a lot about my patterns.

One of them is that I always take care of other people first and only then myself. And what a high price I've paid for that over the last few years. Right now we're working on this and looking into where it comes from. My relationship with my kids' father clearly shaped me a lot here.

In those ten years, I learned a “normal” that isn't normal at all. Suddenly memories from my childhood popped up (I have few of them, and if I do, they're mostly from photos). I remembered listening to my mom argue with one of my siblings, and deciding then (I think I was 11 or 12) that I would never be a burden to my parents like that.

I'm learning right now that I don't blame anyone for all of this, and I won't, including myself. But it hurts to realize that of course I hit a wall when I've thought this way my whole life. And it's good that I can now find some clarity for myself.

Where does your path go from here?

I can already tell, in small everyday situations, that I handle thoughts and feelings better. I can step back from them more, which also protects me from burning out further. I'm building a whole new normal for myself. And I'm grateful that I found this space in therapy and that I get to work on my stuff.

I've been in the new job for two months now, I love the work, and I have great coworkers. Thanks to flexible hours, I can fit therapy in with no problem. And when things get tight, we can do the session online. I've built a steady exercise routine, I make sure to take breaks, and every day I learn a little more that I decide who I am, not other people's supposed expectations.

What do you want to tell other moms who are in a tough spot?

It is NOT normal to feel like you're not enough or not good enough. Don't let anyone talk you into it, not other people and not yourself! The same goes for a “You just have to function!” …

Find help in the form of friends who don't just comfort you (so important!) but also take you by the hand, or maybe even give you a kick in the pants to get back up! Accept help in the form of therapy. There's no reason to be ashamed. Ever! Quite the opposite! I believe the world would be a better place if we finally stopped acting like everything's fine when inside it looks completely different!