Digital Puberty: Talk to Your Kid Before the Internet Does

Friends, more than 80 percent of 12-year-olds now have their own smartphone and are out on the internet alone. Sooner or later, they'll run into sexual content there. Maybe they go looking on purpose, curious about porn, or send a first lovestruck attempt at a sext. Or maybe it finds them: in the class group chat, or while gaming online with strangers. Sex and media educator Madita Oeming calls it “digital puberty.” Her book Aufgeklärt statt aufgeregt (roughly, “Informed, Not Freaked Out”) gives parents and other trusted adults concrete advice on how to guide kids and teens confidently through the world of sexual media.

It takes on pressing questions like: What online risks will my child face? How do I start an open conversation about porn? How do I help my child stand up to the dangers of cybergrooming and deepfakes? How do I encourage them to be careful with images and personal data, and to protect their own boundaries and other people's? And here's the best part: her examples are calm and confident, and they show what an informed approach to porn, sexting, and other topics can look like. We got to ask her a few questions.

Madita, the FAZ (one of Germany's major national newspapers) wrote that you talk about porn “as casually as other people talk about the tomato plants on their balcony.” So let's dive in: How do I start an open conversation with my teenager about porn?

That depends on your child's age and your relationship, of course. Ideally, you've built a habit early on of talking openly about sexuality and bodies, and about media in general. Then you can build on that. There are two ways in if you want to get to porn specifically. One is through everyday digital life. Kids often come across it for the first time without wanting to. So you can ask: “Has anything ever come up online that made you feel uneasy?”

Or you can start with other people's experiences, which makes it clear right away that this happens a lot and isn't your fault. A parent might say: “I read that porn shows up in class group chats all the time. Has that ever happened in yours?” With older teens, you can take a different approach: “I realize that at your age, you've probably come across porn. I get that it's intriguing. I just want to make sure you don't end up alone with it if you have questions or worries.”

What should I talk through with my child before they get their own phone?

I'd make agreements ahead of time about how your child can use the device. Agree on which apps are okay for now and which aren't, and which device settings are necessary. And keep making it clear that this is about protecting your child. Kids should understand why, for example, they need to be careful with their personal data. You can think together about which profile picture or username works, so they don't give away too much. If you can become a team with your child against possible online risks, that's ideal.

Depending on age, you don't necessarily have to spell out topics like cybergrooming or sextortion, but you do have to make them clear: “There are adults online who pretend to be your age and don't necessarily mean well. So listen to your gut when something feels off!” What counts is an ongoing conversation. Which digital spaces does your child spend time in? Who and what do they run into there? The most important message is this: “Whatever happens to you online, you can talk to me about it, and I won't punish you for it.”

What exactly do you mean by “porn literacy”?

Porn literacy is basically media literacy applied to porn. It's about being able to look at pornographic content critically and put it in context, and also about finding a way of dealing with it, for yourself, that feels okay.

On one hand, it means being aware that these images are made. It's knowing that they're fantasy films for adults, not a picture of real sex or an instruction manual for it. That goes hand in hand with not comparing yourself to the bodies or the sexual performance you see. On the other hand, it also means knowing and communicating your own boundaries and respecting other people's. For example, not sending porn to other people without asking. And just as important, noticing for yourself whether images feel good or bad.

If my child tells me about a weird conversation in a gaming chat room, with someone asking questions about masturbation… how do I react as a parent?

Calmly, first. “Thank you for telling me” should be the first thing you say, so your child feels encouraged to do it again. Then you might ask: “Why did that feel weird to you? What do you know about the other person?” And so on. Stay as nonjudgmental as you can, and be sure to avoid questions like “Why did you even do that?”

By that point, your child probably already feels like they did something wrong. Depending on the situation, you can work out together what to do next. Should the contact be blocked? Is it something to report to the police? As much as possible, nothing should be decided over your child's head. You can also look together at whether you can avoid contacts like this in the future, for example with different settings or a different server.

You're also considered a deepfake expert. What exactly should we parents know about “digital puberty” so we can guide our kids well?

Above all, parents should be aware that a single, harmless photo is enough today to create deceptive, AI-manipulated content, including content that defames or sexualizes a person. So kids should be careful with their own pictures. For example, they should think hard about which profile picture they choose and which circles they share photos in. It sounds harsh, but any image can easily be misused today.

Of course, that goes for the pictures parents share, too. “Sharenting” is a problem. What I find on many parents' social media accounts would easily be enough to make sexually explicit deepfakes, for instance. That's not theory. It's already what people who prey on children are doing. I'd like to see more awareness from adults here. Kids aren't content.

Which rules do you consider essential when it comes to cybergrooming?

Kids who are online on their own, whether on their own smartphone or on gaming servers, should first of all know that this phenomenon exists. That also helps you explain convincingly why certain rules make sense. One agreement could be not accepting contact requests from people they can't place. Or choosing usernames that don't reveal anything about age, gender, or where they live. You can also teach warning signs, like: “If someone pushes you for information or pictures, or keeps insisting that you switch to a different channel, that should make you skeptical.”

Kids absolutely have to know that they can leave a conversation at any time if it feels off. For that, it's also important not to drill politeness into them everywhere, all the time. But the most important “rule” here, too, is still: “You can always come to me if you're unsure about something you experienced or someone you met online!”

You also write about porn myths. Which ones are the most stubborn?

Oh, there are plenty. That only men and boys watch it, for example. That it's always about degraded women. That porn use makes most people addicted. Or that teens automatically become hypersexualized through early contact. There are potential risks with porn, sure, but they tend to be overestimated. And assumptions driven by moral beliefs often get talked about as if they were empirically proven facts. That makes me angry. Especially when it makes sex education harder, as happens with right-wing buzzwords like “early sexualization.” Sex education is exactly what protects kids from the negative effects porn exposure could actually have.

Has all that work on this topic changed you? If so, how?

In many ways, yes. I have to be completely honest: this book was a real feat of strength, and some of the topics weigh on me for the long haul. After all, I dealt with violence every single day, and I underestimated that. But at the same time, I feel stronger. Funnily enough, I feel much safer, even though I have all the dangers much more present in my mind. Knowledge helps me find my bearings, too. Above all, though, it strengthened my hopeful, loving view of kids and teens ‘these days.’ They manage so much so well, even when we leave them in the lurch. That moves me.

But what opportunities do you see for our kids online, too? (Coming out is so much easier these days because you can find like-minded people, right?)

Digital spaces hold a lot of potential for sexual development, too. They can be a space of possibility where teens feel their way toward first sexual encounters in comparatively controllable settings. As long as they're given the right skills. Online, I can click away, block someone, or wait two hours to answer. It's easier to stay with myself and my boundaries. For a lot of people, a digital no comes more easily. And a yes does, too.

For anyone who's limited in offline spaces, whether because they're queer, live with a disability, are under strict parental control, or are simply shy, the internet can become a valuable place. I wish I'd had these options as a teenager, and I'm convinced they would have spared me some negative offline experiences.