Darlings, haven’t we all had moments in family life when we thought: Oh dear, I don’t know any family far and wide where it’s as bad as ours? We definitely have, and luckily I have friends with whom I can talk about these things. Because where do you go with all the emotions when they’re there?
Our sons fought like tinkers for years, sometimes to the point of bloodshed and occasionally with wounds that would have been worthy of hospitalisation: It’s not like that anywhere else, we thought. Until we opened up and realised: yes, it definitely happens even in the best families.
Or this shuffling around in the morning, this on-the-way-to-school-forgetting-the-bag mode – that doesn’t happen with other people… oh, um, maybe it does? Do you know how nice it is to have a blog like this and to talk about it and then hear: Ohhh, that’s exactly how it is with us too!
Children who have to be accompanied to sleep for 12 years, children who we have to chase through the woods at 5 o’clock in the morning so that they don’t get jittery during the day… but let’s be honest, THAT doesn’t exist anywhere else. Oh yes there is! How grateful we can be that we have so many opportunities to exchange ideas today.
„I don’t know any family where things are as bad as they are here“
And how often I hear from mums that they miss their children, who are still so attached to them. That they’ve barricaded themselves in their room since the hormones started to sprout. A friend recently wrote to me:
„Hi Lisa, you experienced teen mum. My big one is only 12, well, she’ll be 13 in two months and we only get into arguments and I’m sure she’s just annoyed with me ;-( I also feel like I’m only complaining: mediocre at school, she lets her hobbies slide, doesn’t want to do anything, just grumpy, grumpy, doesn’t tidy up, forgets everything.
The highlight: the breeches are gone, I bought them four weeks ago for 55 euros. How do you lose a pair of breeches? And then this indifference: Yes, it’s gone, Mum, what should I do? Sorry. I’m certainly not going to buy new ones… I just wanted to ask you for advice on how to get through it. She doesn’t say anything anymore, she’s only with her friends (yes, it’s quite normal, I know, I was myself back then), but it’s still so hard right now! I miss my little sweetheart.
I know, cutting the cord and all that, it’s all well and good, but maybe you know what I mean. I’m sitting here right now, she’s gone and I’m shedding a few tears. It’s just saying goodbye to this really intense phase of our lives, when they needed us and the children were somehow our cosmos and our rhythm. Plus this strange feeling that she’s a real stranger to me at times. It’s terrible. It all happened so quickly somehow now.
The big change has only been going on for 5-6 months and was gradual. I always accompanied the children in the evenings, how often I was annoyed. And now for a few weeks I’m no longer supposed to come in the evening, she wants her peace and quiet and to read or chat and I just think: Oh man, that’s over too. How often have we longed for progress and space and now it’s here and now it’s not right again?“
I wrote to her: „Give yourself a hug and it’s exactly what everyone is describing. IT’S NOT JUST YOU! And it won’t stay that way. Of course they won’t be sitting on your lap later, but the relationship will be taken to a new level. Our daughters and sons will be back!
And sometimes it helps to change your own perspective: look at them and think: poor thing, their whole brain is a construction site at the moment and they just can’t help themselves… that helps them to stay in touch. Plus: the education is basically complete, all the foundations have been laid. Before you get into a conflict, just ask yourself: is this life-threatening or not?
And you can also tell her openly that you miss her right now and that it’s all new to you too and you need to get used to it first. And you can also offer her something: You can let the chaos reign in your room, I won’t say anything more about that if you want, but please clear away plates in all other areas of the house. Take a look at this text about missing my daughter, she was a similar age.“
And then, at times when we miss her, we look at what is actually good for US, what WE can do to make ourselves happy again, away from the family cosmos. And we are happy that there are people with whom we can talk about it and from whom we hear that it’s not just within our own four walls that things sometimes fly apart. Things can go haywire for everyone!!! And how good it is to be able to reassure people that every phase is followed by another. Right?
