Is Every Other Family Doing Better Than Ours? Spoiler: No

Friends, haven't we all had those moments in family life where we thought: Oh no, I don't know a single family anywhere who has it as bad as we do? We've definitely had them, and luckily I have girlfriends I could swap stories with. Because where do all those emotions go when they hit?

Our sons fought like cats and dogs for years, sometimes full-on, down-to-the-blood fights, with the occasional injury that probably deserved a trip to the ER: Surely it's not like this anywhere else, we thought. Until we opened up about it and heard: Oh, it absolutely happens, even in the best families.

Or the morning fog, the forgot-my-backpack-on-the-way-to-school mode. Other people's kids don't do that… oh, um, maybe they do? You know how nice it is to have a blog like this, to talk about it and then hear: Ohhh, it's exactly like that at our house, too!

Kids who need someone sitting with them until they fall asleep for 12 years. Kids we have to send running through the woods at 5 a.m. so they aren't bouncing off the walls all day… okay, seriously, nobody else has THAT. Oh yes, they do! How grateful we can be that we have so many ways to compare notes today.

“I don't know a single family who has it as bad as we do”

And how often I hear from moms right now that they miss their kids who were clingy just yesterday. That they barricade themselves in their rooms ever since the hormones kicked in. Recently an acquaintance wrote to me:

“Hi Lisa, you seasoned teen mom. My oldest is only 12, okay, she turns 13 in two months, and we just keep clashing, and I'm sure she's totally fed up with me ;-( I feel like all I do is nag: school effort so-so, lets her hobby slide, no motivation, just grumpy, snippy, never cleans up, forgets everything.

The latest highlight: her riding pants are gone. I bought them four weeks ago for 55 euros. How do you even lose riding pants?! And then that indifference: Yeah, they're gone, Mom, what do you want me to do? Sorry. I'm definitely not buying new ones… I just wanted to ask your advice on how you get through this. She doesn't tell me anything anymore, she's only with her friends (yes, totally normal, I know, I was the same), but it's still so hard right now! I miss my little sweetheart.

I know, cutting the cord and all, it's all good and right, but maybe you know what I mean. I'm sitting here right now, she's out, and I'm shedding a few tears. It's saying goodbye to this crazy intense phase of life when they needed us and the kids were kind of our whole universe and set the rhythm of our days. Plus this strange feeling that sometimes she's really a stranger to me. Awful. It all went so fast somehow.

The big change only started 5 or 6 months ago and it was gradual. I always stayed with the kids at bedtime, and how often I was annoyed by it. And now for the past few weeks I'm not supposed to come in at night, she wants her peace and quiet and to read or chat a bit, and I just think: Oh man, that's over too. How often did we long for progress and some freedom, and now it's here and somehow that's wrong again, too.”

I wrote back: “Come here, let me give you a hug. This is exactly what everyone describes. IT'S NOT JUST YOU! And it won't stay like this. Of course they won't sit on your lap later, but the relationship moves up to a new level. Our daughters and sons come back!

And sometimes a change of perspective helps: Look at her and think, poor thing, her whole brain is a construction site right now and she just can't help it… That helps you stay close. Plus, the parenting is basically done. All the foundations are laid. Before you go into a conflict, just ask yourself: Is this life-threatening or not?

And you can also tell her openly that you miss her right now, that this is all new for you, too, and that you have to get used to it. And you can offer her something: In your room, you can let the chaos reign. I won't say another word about it, if you like. In return, in every other part of the house, dishes go back to the kitchen, please. Take a look at this piece about missing my daughter. She was around the same age then.”

And then, in the times when we miss them, we look at what's good for US, what WE can do to treat ourselves again, away from the family universe. And we're glad there are people we can talk to about it, people who tell us it's not only inside our own four walls that things sometimes blow up. Everybody has days when it's total chaos!!! And how good to be able to encourage each other that every phase gets replaced by another one. Right?