My Sons Stopped Speaking to Me After My Divorce

Friends, we recently ran an article about estrangement between parents and their kids (read it here). Afterward, Anita reached out to us. She found new strength through a support group for parents whose children have cut off contact. This is an interview about her unhappy marriage, a terrible breakup, and the pain of estrangement:

Dear Anita, tell us a little about your family situation.

I'm 48 and I've been happily remarried for two years. I have two sons, 15 and 18. Right now they live with their father, my ex-husband from my first marriage. I'm self-employed and run my own studio for yoga, massage, and hypnosis.

Looking back, how would you describe your parenting style? What mattered to you?

My parenting style was always very encouraging. It was a matter of the heart for me to support my kids in all their gifts and talents, and never to bend them out of shape or force them into anything. Ours was an open house. The table was pretty much always full of kids from the neighborhood and friends who stayed after kids' yoga to eat and play with us.

Instead of a packed summer schedule, we did free play. I always encouraged my sons to test themselves and get to know themselves, whether that was climbing or sports. At the same time, it was important to me that we own up to our mistakes. When they'd done something wrong, we went to the building superintendent together and apologized. And when kids had a fight, I'd get everyone involved around one table to talk about who felt what, so they could apologize and find their way back to each other.

What do you feel you did well as a parent?

I think I did a good job teaching them emotional intelligence. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes, staying in conversation, sharing your own feelings, and having the maturity to say you're sorry. The daily family ritual was important to me too: at 6:00 p.m. sharp, all four of us sat down at the table, ate together, and talked about our day. That was non-negotiable family time for us.

And is there anything you'd do differently today?

I would stand up for myself much more, in general. Especially when it came to my father and my ex-husband, I should have held my ground. Looking back, I'd trust my gut a lot more on several decisions, and I'd decide very differently.

Now you have no contact with your sons. How did that happen?

The break came with a brutal, traumatic suddenness. I left my first husband after 26 years together (20 of them married) because I'd fallen in love with the man who is now my husband. I wanted to finally live the life I'd always wished for, full of laughter, lightness, and freedom. In the last years of my first marriage, there was no fun left at all.

My ex-husband suggested at first that we handle the split without a war, but behind the scenes it was nasty, disgusting, and completely without dignity. For example, he asked me in front of the kids whether I'd be willing to give up my half of the house. If I didn't, he said, we'd have to sell it and the kids would lose their home. Of course, the kids were completely shocked.

In general, he manipulated the kids and painted me as the one and only guilty party. I left the family home for a week to avoid a confrontation. When I came back, he took my house keys and my bank card and put me out the door. I stood on the street with a suitcase, stunned. From that day on, he never let me talk to my sons alone, not for a single second, let alone come into the house. He looked for someone to blame for the breakup everywhere: my mother, a neighbor, even the dog. Anywhere but in us as a couple.

So you're saying your ex manipulated the kids so much that it led to the estrangement?

Yes. The reason is deep, systematic influence and their father's hatred, which spread to the kids. I filed a lawsuit for visitation in our local family court in Germany. The judge even wrote into the order that there was absolutely nothing standing in the way of the boys spending time with their mother. But the boys were at an age where they were allowed to decide for themselves, and they didn't want to.

The youth welfare office suggested family therapy at the time, and the judge supported that too. My ex-husband flat-out refused. He said he didn't need any psychological treatment, only I did. He won't listen to anyone, because he's convinced he has no mental health problems himself. Instead, he's made me out to be a liar, a traitor, and a criminal to everyone. He spread the story that I was a bad influence on my sons and couldn't be trusted with the kids under any circumstances. It went so deep that today my kids won't even call me Mom. They write to me coolly, “Hello Anita.”

Is there no contact at all right now? Nothing?

The boys don't wish me a happy birthday, a merry Christmas, or a happy Mother's Day. I'm completely ignored. In court, the child advocate appointed to represent the boys ended up only repeating what the kids said, that they had no interest in me. I never got the chance to tell my side.

I heard from acquaintances that my ex-husband and the kids say I betrayed the family, along the lines of: How could anyone choose another man? I'm sure our family backgrounds play a role here too. My family are ethnic Germans from Russia, and my ex-husband's family are ethnic Germans from Poland. In both cultures, traditional values, unconditional loyalty, and fixed gender roles matter enormously. Leaving a marriage is quickly seen there as an unforgivable break with tradition.

What have you tried to reestablish contact?

I've truly tried everything. I went the legal route through the court. I brought the boys presents for Christmas and their birthdays, and I stood in front of a locked door, or I was told to take my trash back with me. My ex-husband screamed at me in the yard to get lost and never show my face again.

For my older son's 18th birthday, I spent weeks of late nights making a beautiful, thick photo book. Again, no response. When I waited for my kids on the street and tried to talk to them, they walked right past me, ice cold, without even saying hello. I was treated like dirt. Even my former in-laws just hung up the phone when I called.

What does it feel like when your own child doesn't want contact anymore?

It's the worst pain you can inflict on a human soul. This emotional punch knocks you to the ground, and before you can stagger to your feet, the next blow lands. I lost everything: my kids, my house, my livelihood, my friends.

I spent six weeks in a psychosomatic clinic, an inpatient facility that treats mental and physical symptoms together. My one wish for the head physician was: I just want to stop crying. That deep sadness lasted two years. I often stood alone in the woods in the rain for hours, screaming and crying. I was completely burned out and couldn't do anything. It was the darkest night of my life.

On top of the deep grief came enormous shame, and anger too. People look at you as if you were different. They judge you instantly when you say: My kids live with my ex-husband and want nothing to do with me. Right away everyone whispers about what the mother must have done wrong. This constant blame from the outside makes you incredibly lonely. Then came the financial devastation. Without my current husband, I wouldn't have survived, physically or mentally.

You also sought professional help…

Right, I was in that psychosomatic clinic. There I understood what had actually happened: all my life, I'd been in relationships that weren't good for me emotionally and in which I lost myself, first with my father, then in my marriage to my ex-husband. I slid straight from my parents' home into that first big relationship at 19. I was completely blind to the warning signs. Today I often ask myself in disbelief how I could miss them for so long, and how I could spend so many years with a man full of emotional hardness and coldness.

Here's another bitter part: history repeats itself. My ex-husband himself had no contact with his own father from the time he was four years old. He didn't reach out to his father even when he was on his deathbed. His father had written him a letter. My ex stayed ice cold, with no contact at all.

What did you learn in the support group for abandoned parents?

The support group run by Anja Sernau and her one-on-one coaching were my absolute lifeline. Through the group, I learned that I'm not alone in this fate. I learned to always hold on to a spark of hope, to keep going, and to make my kids feel, in my heart, that I'm still present.

At the same time, I also learned not to let myself be completely knocked off course. I learned to build a new life, even though it's damn hard to have to accept the kids' harsh decision right now.

For now, I've chosen to step back and give the boys the time they need. I can't keep taking the next punch in a boxing match. My soul can't take it. I've learned to find my own strength and self-love again.

What would you like to tell other parents going through this?

My most important advice to all the moms in this situation: Find your way back to self-love, self-respect, and your own sense of worth!

And above all: Women, don't stay silent anymore. For more than 20 years, I didn't open my mouth. Don't do what I did. Say what's going on inside you, and fight back! It always takes more than one person to end a relationship. It's never just one person's fault. And I also believe it shouldn't even always be about blame anymore, but about how you can stay parents together even when you're no longer a couple.

What's next for you?

For me personally, a whole new chapter is about to begin. My husband and I are going to take a long trip soon. But I firmly believe that someday my kids and I will find our way back to each other.