Dear all, want to resolve conflicts and emerge from them stronger as a couple? How can this be achieved? Marga Bielesch explains this in her book “Attachment-Based Parenting as a Team” and impressively in this interview today. She is a couples therapist and has been running her own practice since 2015.
She is the owner of the practice SPRECHZEIT in Weimar, a therapeutic practice specialising in language, attachment and relationships, with several staff members. In 2018, she founded the recognised private educational institution and brand THEKLA®, which offers attachment-oriented training, e.g. as couple and family counsellors, attachment-strengthening play and attachment-oriented course concepts. She lives in Weimar with her family.
Dear Marga, “You’re always stabbing me in the back”, do you recognise phrases like this from parents in your counselling sessions? These reproaches?
“Oh yes, I know them well. Just like these topics:
- Am I doing it – or are you?
- It’s because of you that the child is so impossible.
- Do I actually have three children?
- Don’t shout at our child like that.
- You never say a word!
These are phrases I hear very often in couples therapy when parents argue about bringing up their children. When parents want to guide their children through life in a way that strengthens their bond, it often leads to a lot of struggle. Because we ourselves often had no role models for this. Different upbringings, communication problems and our own personal influences mean that issues keep cropping up that cause friction and need to be worked through.
Today’s parents, who want to raise their children in an equal and attachment-oriented way, are often the first in their family to want to do things differently – true cycle-breakers. And that inevitably leads to friction.
At the same time, however, there are also many couples in which traditional roles are upheld. Yet even there, an imbalance often becomes apparent: According to studies, mothers increasingly bear the mental and emotional load. They engage more intensively with parenting issues, listen to podcasts, read guidebooks and take on the responsibility for care. This can be very exhausting and stressful – especially if one feels solely responsible for it.
And then there are relationships where views on parenting differ greatly. For example, when one person says: “A slap on the bottom is fine” or “Punishments are part of it” or “Children are little tyrants who have to obey – we need to be stricter.”
But if the other person now wants to raise the child using an attachment-based approach, this naturally leads to massive relationship conflicts. If both are willing to engage honestly with the issues, many problems can be resolved – but not all. Physical, psychological or emotional abuse is non-negotiable and out of the question!
Now there are two parents standing in front of you: one says, “You’re far too strict with the children,” and the other, “Well, you’re just far too soft.” How can you find a way out of this as a couple?
Yes, that’s a good question. An important first step is to reflect: why do I perceive the other person as too strict or too lenient? Is one person perhaps particularly strict because the other is very lenient? Or does one person seem soft because the other reacts very harshly? It is worth taking a closer look at your own upbringing: How did I grow up myself? What have I adopted? What might I be rebelling against unconsciously today?
Attachment-based parenting requires a shared consensus between both parents. This means: both consciously say “Yes, we want to guide our child through life in a way that strengthens their attachment” – and share a common approach in doing so. However, many couples have never explicitly agreed on this consensus. They have tended to slip into it tacitly and have unspokenly entered into a kind of “parenting contract” with one another – often with very different ideas.
That is why it is important to sit down together again and consciously redraft this “parenting contract”. It can state: We want to guide our child in a way that strengthens our bond. We are a team. We share responsibility.
On this basis, specific issues can then be clarified step by step: What are our shared family values? What is absolutely out of the question for us? How do we react in situations that overwhelm us? What is our shared approach to parenting? It is crucial that both parents take responsibility – not working against each other, but with each other.
You say that mothers and fathers also need to do some serious work on their own life stories to understand how differently they interact with their child. What exactly do you mean by that?
Yes, it makes a huge difference whether I myself grew up in a nurturing and loving environment or not. We often unconsciously carry our different life stories – that is, what we experienced as children and how our parents raised us – into our own parenting. Unless, that is, we consciously reflect on them.
That is why the life stories and socialisation of mothers and fathers are so crucial. They need space for discussion and an awareness of this so that mutual understanding can develop. Couples should be able to negotiate these differences with one another – rather than making accusations such as: “You’re too intrusive.”
It would be more helpful, for example, to say:
- “I don’t want it to be like that.”
- “We need a different approach here.”
- “I’d like to try a different approach with you.”
Or also:
- “How can I support you when you’re feeling overwhelmed?”
- “What do you need when it all gets too much for you?”
- “How can we act as a team?”
Another important point is “dyadic coping” – in other words, how well do parents manage to work together under stress? How is their communication? Do they remain attentive and supportive? Or do they shout at each other, blame one another and work against each other rather than with each other?
It is precisely in challenging moments that it becomes clear how strongly a couple really acts as a team. The better the dyadic coping, the fewer parenting conflicts there are, according to the findings of the study ‘Parental Competences and Parenting Conflicts’.
So, does that mean good communication about values and attitudes is needed? And about things like: How did your parents treat you, and which aspects of that felt good or not so good?
Yes, exactly. Parents really should take the time to sit down together and discuss very specifically: What did you experience growing up? Which values were key in your family – for example, togetherness, openness, respect, perhaps also obedience or discipline? Which values felt good – and which didn’t?
And then the key question: Which family values do we want to adopt in our own family?
In my book, I have a good exercise for this, which helps couples discuss these questions together step by step. The aim is to clarify: Which values from our families of origin do we want to adopt? And what are the additional values that are important to us?
For example:
- It’s OK to feel emotions.
- We support our children as equals.
- Community and solidarity.
- Honesty and trust.
- Attunement and equality.
Making a conscious effort to set aside time for this is incredibly important. Because this is precisely where parenting conflicts often arise. Most couples – and I see this time and again in my couples therapy – have never discussed this, however. And that is exactly why the topic of raising children often becomes so difficult.
Now, one partner primarily refuels their love tank through meaningful conversations. The other, however, through hugs, caresses and tenderness. Can this lead to irreconcilable differences?
I’m quite clear on this: no, these don’t have to be irreconcilable differences. They can be completely different. What matters is something else: conflicts must be resolved. Because let’s be honest – things only become problematic when conflicts exist but aren’t addressed.
When they simmer beneath the surface. When you don’t voice what’s bothering you. When, for example, you wish your partner would interact with your child differently than they actually do. In such moments, you understandably have little motivation to respond to the other person’s needs.
And if I constantly feel I have to defend my child because I perceive their behaviour to be unfair and worry that it isn’t good for them – then I’m unlikely to be able to prioritise my partner’s need for closeness and affection.
So, to answer your question: the ways in which the ‘love tank’ is filled may be completely different. That is absolutely legitimate. It becomes difficult, however, when couples lack effective conflict resolution strategies.
Your argument is that parents should act as a team when raising children. We should not only treat our children in a needs-oriented way, but also our partner, so that this works well… how does that work?
If parents want to keep their relationship in mind whilst raising children, then naturally the needs of their partner are just as important. Putting the children’s needs first is wonderful – it forms the basis for a nurturing, loving and bond-strengthening childhood. But it is just as important to look after your partner: How are they doing? And also: How am I doing myself?
Expressing your own needs, responding to your partner’s needs and finding good solutions together – that is essential. When it comes to raising children, it is also very much about sharing the responsibility of care.
For example, with questions such as: How do we interpret our child’s behaviour? How do we react during the next tantrum? What do we do when doors are slammed, when our child cannot settle at night or is afraid? Do we respond with warmth and love – or rather with ‘old-school’ strictness?
Seeking information, reading guidebooks, taking current scientific findings into account or discussing things with others can be very helpful. Often, this task of gathering information falls even more heavily on mothers. If this burden is eased and fathers get more actively involved, it greatly strengthens the relationship.
Then, for example, there is the mother’s need not to have to bear the responsibility of care alone – because it is simply too much. Equally, there needs to be a willingness to go the other way: perhaps the partner is sometimes unsure and asks how he can respond better. That, too, deserves support.
Or there may be entirely different needs: if one person is very tidy, whilst for the other the focus is primarily on spending quality time with the children, this need must not be ignored either. It doesn’t help to completely neglect the home with the argument: “The children are more important.”
Yes, children are very important. But so are your partner’s needs. This is where the adults’ attitude comes into play: taking responsibility, standing up for one another, being attentive, and keeping an eye on both the children and the relationship.
What do you think of the ‘radical indulgence’ approach: I ALLOW him or her to spend the weekend with their friends, I ALLOW him or her to have a full night’s sleep… that works, but probably only if both partners are equally committed to it, right?
Well, radical indulgence sounds brilliant. How wonderful is it when I allow my partner something, can take a step back for once and genuinely be happy for them? I think that’s brilliant – but it has to be on an equal footing.
What should you do if, in the end, most of the emotional work still falls on one person? What words are there for this? For this: I create a pleasant atmosphere, look out for emotional balance, speak up when I notice changes, read up on various topics…
Emotional load is a huge topic. It describes the invisible emotional burden that, in many families, is borne primarily by mothers. This includes the responsibility for emotional care: How is the child doing? Why are they sad? Who mediates sibling disputes? Who recognises self-doubt – and addresses it?
But also: Who ensures a good family atmosphere? Who looks after the feelings of others? And who also keeps an eye on the couple’s relationship? All of this is invisible work. Emotional work. And therefore also an emotional burden.
In many relationships, this burden is still unevenly distributed. That is why transparency is needed: what exactly does ‘emotional load’ actually mean? What does it specifically entail in everyday life? Your partner should be able to understand what is meant by it. And then it’s about sharing the burden. These can be small steps. The crucial thing is that the responsibility for care is shared.
I’ll be completely honest: this is a huge topic. Mental load and emotional load cannot be covered in a single conversation, let alone resolved. You cannot expect that, after a discussion, everything will suddenly change and the invisible work will automatically be shared fairly.
It is a process. A topic that needs to be discussed, negotiated and fine-tuned time and again over the course of months. To do this, you first need a good foundation for communication. A couple must be able to talk to each other, openly and honestly.
Only then can the next step be about making mental load and emotional load visible – and subsequently developing fair solutions. That takes time. It requires relationship work. And it requires a willingness to stick with it. Only in this way can real relief be achieved in the long term.
What final advice do you have for couples with children to help them stay happy when it comes to raising children?
That’s a lovely question. Couples’ relationships – and this is often underestimated – want to continue to develop. If everything stayed the same as it was at the beginning forever, it would eventually become boring. And boredom often leads to distance or break-ups.
Relationships need to evolve. This also means that both partners continue to develop. And that is a wonderful thing: it strengthens, it revitalises, it brings joy.
This evolution is particularly necessary when it comes to raising children – especially in attachment-based parenting. It requires negotiation, discussing issues together and resolving conflicts. Good conflict-resolution strategies are crucial for this – as are shared values. It is important to keep the lines of communication open, not to hold things against each other, but to address issues constructively in order to find good solutions.
Because equality – including in child-rearing – not only feels fair, but also brings people together. And it leads to greater long-term satisfaction.
My plea to parents is therefore: keep at it. Don’t let yourselves be discouraged. Many problems and issues can be resolved – not all, but many. Tackle them. Come out of your shell. Seek support if you can’t make progress on your own.
