When Your Teen Pulls Away (and Then, Sometimes, Doesn't)

Okay, friends, with our kids it really is always a kind of wave, isn't it?! We drift closer, then we drift apart. When they're born, we read an insane amount into them. A tantrum: Wow, that's Uncle Harry's strong will. A smile, and that's Grandma's sense of humor. Three stomps on the floor, and there's Mom's determination. A big smooch, eyes wide open, and just as cuddly as Dad…

Some of it will turn out to be true, and some of it total bullshit. Eventually it dawns on us that some character traits are just something our kids bring with them. Then they learn to talk, they can name what hurts and what makes them happy, and we get very close to them. We know which situations might get tricky, we can read them, and we're with them or near them pretty much around the clock.

We get used to things and marvel at how they grow. Then the teen years hit and they push us a little farther away (not "they step back," but "we get moved back," yes, exactly). Some things get shared only with friends or with siblings. For a lot of teens, words become scarce for a while. How was school? Fine. What are you up to later? Mmrgh. What should we make for dinner? Just food.

Sometimes we end up standing in front of a closed bedroom door, thinking: Hm. Who are you right now? Where are you? Are you okay? What's going through your head? What do you need? What might help? Is it going to stay like this forever? And our mental movie theater fires up again. A little like back in the baby days. We're back to interpreting.

And then they finally get up from their long lying-around phase (cheese has to sit a long time to age, too) and suddenly they're out the door more than they're home. And you secretly think: Oh man, what was I so worried about in front of that closed door? At least back then they were still under our control. Now we can't protect them out there at all.  

So a new phase begins. One where we have to find our trust all over again, and where sometimes the only thing that helps is hoping. Hopefully they won't walk into some stupid fight. Hopefully nobody breaks their heart. Hopefully nobody mugs them, and hopefully they'll look up from their phones when they cross a railroad crossing. Out of my control.

And when there's dizziness or a stomachache, we probably wonder, too, whether it's a hangover, or too much greasy food with zero vitamins, or whether it's something physical, something emotional, something to do with drugs or vaping. Of course, we're sometimes fumbling around in a black box during these stages of life.

On Drifting Closer, Drifting Apart, and Not Knowing Everything Anymore

Still, what I'm seeing is that as they mature, a lot of them do move closer again when a new chapter comes up: job training starts, maybe, or they need to stock their first apartment. Plenty of them dock back at home for a bit, soaking up some parental and hometown security, and that's where a new eye-to-eye footing begins.

Of course, they probably won't tell us about their last blackout-drunk night, but at least we get a good sense of whether they're generally happy with and in their lives. And then maybe you'll go out together, like I did last weekend, to a Carnival event with lots of dancing. (Carnival is Germany's pre-Lent season of costume parties and parades.)

And then you watch your kid go wild to the music, dancing along with so much euphoria, moving through the world all on their own with an open gaze and that "my whole life is still ahead of me" attitude, and you think: Hey, wow, they've apparently picked up some real life experience these past few years without you, out there on the other side of the door.

And then you hear someone come up to them with, "Hey, who did you come with tonight?" And they answer, "My mom." And you hear, "Oh. If THAT'S your mom, I'll eat my hat." And yes, but she is. "Kind of awkward to be hitting on you now," the person says, turning away and leaving you in a fit of laughter. That definitely wasn't our last night out shouting "Alaaf!" together (the Carnival cheer)…

(And noooo, we're not friends. We're mother and daughter. Most of the parties each year we still celebrate without each other, because everyone gets to have her own life. But during Carnival season, exceptions are allowed 😉)