My Teen Keeps Lying and I Don't Know How to Respond

Hi, friends. Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems? That's exactly what one of our readers, Henrike, is feeling right now. Her 14-year-old daughter is in the thick of the teen years and has turned things upside down at home. We sat down with Henrike to talk about it:

Dear Henrike, your 14-year-old is worrying you a bit lately, right?

Yes, she's right in the middle of it. She wants to try things out and pull away from us. I'm sure that's totally normal, and I get it. But there are still limits, and she crosses them regularly.

How long has it been harder with your daughter?

About a year. She's a really great girl. She had lots of hobbies and friends. Then she met some new people who only wanted to hang out and didn't feel like doing anything anymore. Somehow she got pulled in by them, and she changed.

You said she lies. Can you give an example?

It started in the classic way. She'd tell me she was going to a friend's house, but she was somewhere else entirely. Or she'd say the first two periods at school were canceled, which wasn't true. The lies always came out through little detours, which made me angry at first, but also made me think. Why is our daughter lying? Does she feel like we're too strict? Why does she think she has to lie instead of feeling able to tell us the truth?

Have you asked her exactly that?

Yes, I have. But I got very little reaction. In general, almost everything we say now gets a shrug. To be honest, it's frustrating.

Where else does she lie?

The other day some money was missing from my wallet, so I asked her if she'd borrowed some. She denies it, but my gut tells me otherwise. And by the way, it was already the third time there was suddenly less money in my wallet.

She lies about homework, about plans, about where she is and who she's with and when. She lies about having gotten things done, or about conflicts at school. But I can't exactly lock her up, and I just don't know how to handle it.

So you're not sure what consequences to set?

We have a rule: no phone in her room after 8:30 p.m. If she breaks it and sneaks the phone back out of the kitchen, the consequence is clear. I lock the phone away. But when it comes to skipped class or homework, I don't know what to do. And again, I don't want to lock her up completely. She should be able to go out with friends and have experiences. I'm just afraid I can't trust her anymore at all…

What was your relationship like before?

Actually, good. We did a lot together, and she always told me everything. I knew that would change at some point. But now she's just annoyed by us parents and by her little brother, her tone gets snottier, and you can't count on her anymore.

And how does that make you feel?

It makes me really sad, of course, because it's definitely not something you wish for as a parent. I want an open and honest relationship.

What would you like to hear from readers of this article?

She's the first child I'm guiding through the teen years. I often don't know how to act, but this lying is especially hard for me. What should I do? How do other parents react when their kids lie to them? What can I do when my child has no reaction at all to talking, asking, explaining? I'd love to hear from you.