Late-Life Divorce: My Parents Split After 51 Years of Marriage

Hi, friends. Divorce rates after long marriages, often called late-in-life divorces, have been climbing in Germany over the past few decades. Statistically, most marriages fall apart earlier (usually in year six or seven), but reportedly about one in six marriages now ends after the silver anniversary, the 25th. In roughly 55 percent of divorces after 20 or more years of marriage, "growing apart" is given as the main reason.

Anja's mom also left Anja's dad at 72, after 51 years of marriage. So at almost 49, Anja has become a "child of divorce." She tells us here what that feels like.

How did your parents meet, and what was their marriage like when you were a kid?

My parents were together from their early teens. They grew up in the same small village, and I don't think either of them ever really had the chance to look beyond the "village walls." They married young, the way people did back then. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, and I'm sure plenty of high school sweethearts have gone on to happy marriages.

But as I remember it, things at home were rarely truly harmonious, and I sensed that even as a kid. There were hardly ever any visible signs that my parents were happy together. That made me sad sometimes, especially when I saw something different with other parents we knew.

My mom actually had concrete plans to move out once or twice, but she dropped them each time. I was relieved back then, of course. Looking back, though, I often think it would have been the best thing. Each of them would still have had a shot at a "life after," which is obviously harder now, at their age. For the most part, I tried not to let it get to me as a kid, and I mostly managed. My younger brother suffered much more from the situation.

Are your parents a lot alike, or total opposites?

They're completely different. My mom is a real life-of-the-party type who loves living. She has a big circle of friends and is out and about a lot. She's a passionate grandma and up for anything fun. My dad is happiest at home, in his own space. He needs a lot of structure and is neither spontaneous nor particularly flexible. Any departure from his set daily routine stresses him out.

Their social life mostly came through my mom, and she kept it going for years. That makes things much harder for him now. He doesn't know what to do with himself and has a hard time making new connections.

What do you think each of your parents missed most in the other?

My mom definitely missed his zest for life and his willingness to go do things. He can be very grumpy, and people around us always noticed that. Of course, that partly affected their shared friendships, too. And I'm sure she would have liked more appreciation for everything she did for the family over so many years, even though it never brought in any money.

My dad surely felt pushed into the background by my mom's loud presence in public (loud to him, anyway) and her big circle of friends. Basically, she was happier out there than in his company, and feeling that only made them dig in deeper.

Did the separation come as a surprise?

No. It had come up again and again over the last few years. But my parents have a lovely little house that my mom loved, nurtured, and took care of. She knew it would have to be sold if they split up, so she kept hoping things would get better, or at least become manageable for her. Sadly, in the end that apparently wasn't the case anymore.

Do you know what finally tipped things over the edge?

In the end, the situation at home was no longer bearable for my mom. I think both of them were unhappy, but my mom still had a big social circle where she found distraction and encouragement. My dad didn't have that outlet, so he acted out his unhappiness at home, which led to fights again and again.

What does the separation look like in practical terms? Who moves out? Do the two still see each other?

My mom got an apartment. My dad is still living in the house for now, but it has to be sold. Right now I'm looking for an apartment for him, which is proving difficult.

His health isn't great, and finding something suitable for his age that's also affordable is a challenge. He's very sluggish and withdrawn, and sometimes he's like a toddler who constantly needs to be guided. Since I'm divorced myself, a single mom, and working 30 hours a week, that often weighs on me heavily.

My parents are in touch, but understandably my mom is busy organizing her new life. And of course, you don't separate for no reason, so you don't want daily or even regular contact with your ex-partner either...

Which of your parents is handling the separation better?

Clearly my mom. Her life has definitely improved since the split, and she says so openly and honestly. That doesn't necessarily make things easier for my dad. If anything, the opposite.

How are you doing, as a daughter, with your parents splitting up?

I can deal with the separation itself fairly well, because the way things were wasn't really bearable for any of us. What weighs on me is worrying about my dad. There's so much that has to be handled and organized, and I constantly feel guilty when I haven't checked in for a few days and know he probably hasn't had any social contact in that time.

I also feel terrible for my own kids that now their grandma and grandpa are split up, too. That adds to the pressure I feel. I really want to give my kids an intact, happy family life and set them up so that they can someday have a happy marriage and family of their own. I often wonder whether it will affect their relationships down the road that their parents and grandparents separated.

You brought up your own marriage. You're separated too. Do you see any parallels with your parents?

Whether my own failure, if you can even call it that, has anything to do with the family I grew up in, I can't say for sure. The problems in my marriage were different.

Surely some people will say that at your parents' age, there's no need to split up anymore. What do you say to that?

I don't see it that way. If the bad feelings and bad days in a marriage outweigh the good for a long time, everyone should be allowed to draw a line under it. Whether the time you have left is five years or 25 is irrelevant. You only get one life, and every person has a right to happiness and peace of mind.