Dear all, divorce rates following long-term marriages, often referred to as “late divorces”, have risen in Germany over the past few decades. Although statistically speaking most marriages break down earlier (usually in the 6th or 7th year), reports suggest that around one in six marriages now ends after the silver wedding anniversary. In around 55 per cent of divorces after 20 or more years of marriage, “growing apart” is cited as the main reason.
Anja’s mother also separated from Anja’s father at the age of 72 after 51 years of marriage – and so, at just under 49, Anja has become a “child of divorce”. She explains how that feels here.
How did your parents meet and how did you experience your parents’ marriage during your childhood?
My parents had been together since their early teens. They grew up in the same village and neither of them really had the chance to look beyond the “village walls”. They married young, as was customary at the time. Of course, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing; no doubt many happy marriages have resulted from such teenage romances.
In my memory, things were rarely truly harmonious at home; I sensed that even as a child. There were very few outward signs from which one could have deduced that my parents were happy together. That sometimes made me sad, especially when I saw things differently among other parents in my circle of friends.
My mother actually did make concrete plans to move out once or twice, but these were then abandoned. At the time, I was naturally glad about that, but looking back, I often think it would have been for the best. That way, everyone would still have had the chance at a ‘life afterwards’, which is naturally more difficult now that we are elderly. On the whole, I tried not to let the issue get to me too much during my childhood, which I mostly managed quite well. My younger brother suffered much more from the situation.
Are your parents quite similar, or are they completely different?
They are completely different. My mother is a real social butterfly, has a large circle of friends and is always out and about. She is a passionate grandmother who is always up for a laugh. My father feels most at home within the four walls of his own home. He needs a lot of structure and is neither spontaneous nor particularly flexible. Any deviation from his regular daily routine puts him under stress.
Social contacts were mainly established through my mother and were also maintained by her over the years. This naturally makes the situation much more difficult for him now; he doesn’t really know what to do with himself and finds it hard to make social contacts.
What do you think: what did your parents miss most about each other?
My mother certainly missed my father’s zest for business and life. He can be very grumpy, which is how his social circle has always perceived him. That naturally had an impact on their shared social life to some extent. And she would certainly have liked more appreciation for everything she has done for the family over the years. Even if it didn’t bring any money into the household.
My father certainly often felt pushed into the background by my mother’s – in his eyes – loud public demeanour and her large circle of friends. Basically, she was happier there than in his company – and sensing that only hardened the rift even further.
Did the separation come as a surprise to you?
No, it had been a recurring topic over the last few years, though my parents have a lovely little house that my mother loved, cherished and looked after very much. She realised that this would have to be sold in the event of a separation. So she kept hoping that the situation would improve or at least become manageable for her. Unfortunately, in the end, that was no longer the case.
Do you know what ultimately broke the camel’s back?
Ultimately, the situation at home became unbearable for my mother. I think both of them were unhappy, but my mother still had a large social circle where she found distraction and support. My father didn’t have that balance, so he took out his frustration at home, which led to constant arguments.
How is the separation working out in practical terms? Who is moving out? Do the two of them still see each other?
My mother has found a flat; my father is currently still living in the house, which now has to be sold. I am currently looking for a flat for him, though this is proving difficult.
His health is already somewhat fragile, and finding somewhere suitable for his age that is affordable is a challenge. He is very phlegmatic and withdrawn, at times like a small child who needs constant guidance. As I am divorced and a single parent myself, and work 30 hours a week, this is often very stressful for me.
My parents are in touch, but my mother is understandably busy organising her new life. And of course, you don’t split up without a reason and then want to be in daily or regular contact with your ex-partner…
Which of your parents is coping better with the separation?
Definitely my mother. Her life situation has certainly improved as a result of the separation, and she communicates that quite openly and honestly. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier for my father; on the contrary.
How are you, as a daughter, coping with the fact that your parents are now separating?
I can cope relatively well with the fact of the separation; after all, the previous situation wasn’t really sustainable for any of us. What’s stressful for me is worrying about my father. There are so many things that need to be sorted out and organised, and I constantly feel guilty when I haven’t been in touch for a few days and know that he’s probably had no social contact at all during that time.
I also feel very sorry for my children that their grandparents are now separated as well. This puts me under additional pressure; I would like to offer the children a stable family life and create the right conditions for them to lead happy married and family lives of their own later on. I often wonder whether the fact that their parents and grandparents have separated will have negative consequences for them later on in their relationships with others.
You mention your own marriage. You are also separated. Can you see any parallels with his parents?
I cannot say for certain whether my own failure – if you can call it that – has anything to do with my family of origin. The problem in my marriage was a different one.
Surely there are also those who say that at such an advanced age as your parents’ is, one really shouldn’t have to separate. What do you say to that?
I don’t see it that way. If the bad feelings and bad days in a marriage prevail over a long period of time, then everyone should and must have the opportunity to draw a line under it. Whether the time one has left is five or 25 years is irrelevant. After all, you only have one life, and every person has a right to happiness and peace of mind.
