Mad at Your Partner? Toddler Melting Down? Real-Life Fixes

Hi, friends! Nicola Schmidt is one of my favorite people to interview, because I always learn so much, have so many aha moments, and somehow walk away feeling better. Her approach isn't "You have to do everything perfectly." It's: Nobody does everything perfectly, that's completely normal and human – and it's important for our kids to see it, too! Failing is part of life.

We're people, not machines. Everybody has better days and worse days. But as long as the basic idea is a caring, loving one, it will carry us through the harder stretches. Nicola says: "Raising kids in a way that fits their nature is a wonderful approach – if only everyday life didn't get in the way!"

There's the morning chaos, the constant sibling squabbles, the mother-in-law who makes a pointed comment… And we ask ourselves how on earth we're supposed to respond in a way that honors our kids' needs. How we can do right by our child and our family.

In her newest book, "artgerecht durch den Familienalltag: …weil das echte Leben auch echte Lösungen braucht" (roughly, "Getting Through Family Life in Tune With Our Nature: Because Real Life Needs Real Solutions" – "artgerecht" is her word for raising kids in a way that fits human nature), Nicola Schmidt answers the questions parents ask most. She gives very concrete situations, solutions, and down-to-earth tips you can put into practice quickly.

She also looks at the question behind the question: What is it that's really getting to us? Why does this push my buttons so much right now? Where do my wishes collide with reality? Where can we compromise – and where do we stay true to our ideals? That helps us let go of false beliefs and find our own way.

Today we get to share three very concrete situations, plus solutions, from Nicola Schmidt's new book:

What can I do when I have a partner but still feel left alone with everything that has to do with the family?

Nicola's quick help: Talk to each other. Talk about how you each imagine your lives. Talk about what it's doing to you, how it feels, what you wish for – not about whose fault the situation is. And steer clear of the horsemen of the apocalypse that wreck every relationship.

The horsemen of the apocalypse – in the Bible there were originally four – were identified by love researcher John Gottman in his "Love Lab" at the University of Washington in Seattle. He watched couples while they argued, then stayed in touch with them and checked in on their marriages again and again. What he found: The people who ended up unhappy or divorced had already shown destructive behavior in arguments years earlier. Gottman dubbed these relationship killers the "horsemen of the apocalypse."

To his amazement, he discovered that they let him predict the fate of a marriage with almost mathematical precision. Ten to fifteen minutes of a couple arguing is all this love scientist needs to predict which couple will stay together and which will split up – with a hit rate of nearly 90 percent. So since they seem pretty central to whether a conflict can be resolved, and whether we can, say, manage to share the load in a relationship more fairly, let's take a closer look at the five factors.

1. Criticism.

Criticism might sound like this: "You always leave everything lying around, you're so lazy!" Better to stick to a factual statement about one specific situation: "It bothers me that your dirty socks are lying on the kitchen table. Can you please put them away now?"

2. Defensiveness.

Many people respond to criticism with a justification: "Yeah, but I work all day and I don't have time to pick up constantly." Defensiveness is understandable, but it's unproductive because it makes the fight escalate. Better to respond with empathy: "I see your point, I get it. I'm so tired in the evenings. Let's think about whether we could move the laundry basket somewhere else."

3. Contempt.

This harsh form of criticism isn't aimed at changing the other person's behavior, only at hurting them: "Oh, great, no wonder you don't have any friends, you're so self-centered!" We're better off defusing the situation and not rising to provocations or hurtful remarks, for example by saying: "I can see you're upset. Let's figure out what's hurting you and what we both need so we can find a solution."

4. Withdrawal.

"Stonewalling" is another word for this very common problem. Just looking away. Not responding anymore. Getting up and leaving the room. If it happens, we can reach out to each other again later or the next day: "I thought about our fight some more, and I'd love to talk it over calmly and see how we can find our way back to each other…"

5. Displays of power.

Science journalist Bas Kast is the one who identified this fifth horseman. A display of power might sound like this: "I can leave my socks wherever I want. I'm the one paying the rent here." That's a declaration of war, and we should absolutely avoid it. If we feel that impulse, it's worth talking it through with a third person. In the moment, it also helps to put our feelings on the table: "I'm so angry I actually just want to get back at you and then shut down. But I'd really like to find my way back to peaceful contact with you." When we reach out like that, we have a great chance of finding our way back to each other.

The question behind the question

What's really going on here? What kind of help do we need? When a partner stops pitching in with the family, there can be many, many reasons. Maybe he or she never wanted kids, is overwhelmed, has lost touch with the other parent, is under too much stress outside the home – it could even be a mental health condition like depression. So it's worth looking closely and getting an outside perspective. Humans are cooperative breeders, and there are always problems that are best solved together with others.

So what do we do?

We need to get in touch with the people around us and stay in touch. It's the only way to their hearts and to ours.

How can I respond when my partner brands me a helicopter mom, when all I did was ask to talk with my kid's daycare teacher?

Nicola's quick help: This isn't a parenting question, it's a couples question. And the best way to tackle a couples question is with empathy and even more questions – ones we can ask our partner:

• What does "helicopter mom" mean to you?

• What are you worried about?

• What's the worst thing that could happen?

• How would you handle it?

• What options do we have in this situation?

• How could we do it together?

• What would you like from me?

• What would you have wanted as a kid?

• What do you think our child needs?

And then we can start talking. We should make sure to give the other person a "yes" – yes, I hear you, and I take your concerns seriously. It's just as important to avoid "you" statements (sentences like "You never understand me!") and to talk about our feelings instead of asking who's right and who's wrong. What we absolutely want to avoid are the four horsemen of the apocalypse, which can make understanding each other impossible in any relationship:

1. Destructive, sweeping criticism: "Because you always, because you never, here we go again, your problem is…"

2. Reflexive defensiveness: "That's not even true! Yeah, but I… And anyway, you…!"

3. Deliberately hurting your partner with sarcasm, cynicism, or mockery: "Oh, great, Mr. Know-It-All! Just as much of a patriarch as your father!"

4. Withdrawal: We refuse contact, stop talking to each other, and end up lonely together.

If we manage to do without these strategies, we can turn that first argument into an interesting dialogue about worries, fears, how things look to others, how we were raised, our wishes and longings. It can be a dialogue that brings us closer instead of pushing us apart.

The question behind the question

What hurts here? Often, these and similar sore spots go back to how we were raised – and the scars we carried away from it, which may still ache. Worries can be behind them, too, along with different views of human nature and different parenting goals, but also couple issues like power, dominance, insecurity, not feeling seen, the fear of standing out in an unpleasant way, of making a fuss, of becoming unpopular. When we talk about it, these causes become visible, discussable, and negotiable.

So what do we do?

In moments like these, we should always try to stay in touch with each other. Let's do what the 13th-century Persian Sufi mystic Rumi suggested: "Between right and wrong there is a place – I'll meet you there."

My child has huge meltdowns when I won't allow a second ice cream. Why is the reaction so intense – and how do I manage to stick to my no?

Nicola's quick help: Why is a child like this? Just picture a young, highly connected brain. It has three times as many neural connections as ours, which is why it learns so incredibly fast (a second language, for example). But for the very same reason, it also works very, very inefficiently.

Every stress signal finds many routes through this brain, and every frustration is the end of the world. That's because the child's brain hasn't yet had the experience that the world actually doesn't end, and the neural connection "world-is-okay-again" isn't clear enough yet.

It takes lots of practice moments before the most important pathways in the brain work reliably – experiences where the child first learns that you can cope with frustration, that against all expectations the world doesn't end, that there's still dinner later, and a whole lot more. Picture a forest where nobody has ever gone for a walk.

There are good, level connections between two points and rocky, dangerous ones. If someone runs wildly into the forest, of course they keep ending up in the rocky, dangerous corners. But the more often someone takes the level, safe routes, the more little trails appear, then paths, and finally real, wide avenues where the hikers (in our case, the nerve impulses) can move along and know: This is safe, this is a good way to go.

The brain of a three-and-a-half-year-old is a beautiful forest like that – full of potential for wonderful walking paths, but still under construction. The more often we stay calm and help our child, the better they can learn.

The question behind the question:

The real question is the second one that came through: How do I get through this? A child this age needs a huge amount of guidance, and ideally they'd have an older cousin or another loving person who watches the "little wild one" all day and gently steers everything in a better direction. On top of that, we'd need a grandparent with endless patience who distracts the child, explains everything, keeps them busy – and in our world, we often have neither. Which shows us again: None of us are living in conditions that suit our species. And it's our kids who show it.

So what do we do?

Knowing that our toddler's extreme emotional reactions are normal, and that calm helps most, can be useful. But it doesn't help when we're simply at the end of our strength and our nerves. Then we need help – more support and less pressure and stress.

Parents can't solve this task alone within their own families, because it also means better financial security for single parents, higher-quality childcare, and everything from tax law to city planning being consistently family-friendly, so that we can get through these highly challenging times in good shape.