When the Parenting Scorekeeping Finally Ends

Hi, lovelies, today I want to talk about the end of the endless who-does-what negotiations. I know you'd much rather read about problems and conflicts in our Teen Time column (those posts get way more clicks, anyway). But in times like these (that's how they feel to most of us right now, right?!), I think we could all use something nice, good, and encouraging every once in a while.

There was a time when I thought: This will never end. The lack of control over my own time. Having to argue over every bit of freedom. The scorekeeping, too, to some extent. YOU got to go work out last weekend, and I mopped the kitchen and changed diapers AGAIN… YOU haven't given up a single guys' weekend since the baby was born, do you know when I last went out with the girls? Sound familiar?

[Note: This is about the negotiating that goes on inside a relationship. I've never been a single mom, which is obviously a whole different ballgame. Those very arguments often lead to crises or breakups, and after that there's no more negotiating, because everything lands on just two shoulders. If any of you would like to share your insights on that, please get in touch. From here on, though, this is about splitting things between four shoulders.]

And then you finally get a night out and you're way too tired… and you fight an internal battle: Going out gives you energy vs. You'll never get back the sleep you're missing… Ugh, all these questions: Who gets up in the night? Who stays home the next time a kid is sick? And while we're at it: Where do we even fit in as a couple in all this negotiating?

The mental load? Who puts up with the circus of the WhatsApp groups for daycare, school classes, or clubs? Who plans the birthday parties, buys the gifts, books the vacation, remembers the car inspection while they're at it, does the grocery shopping, comes up with the meals, schedules the occupational therapy or speech therapy appointments, decides how much screen time the kids get…

And: How do you talk about all of this without sounding like a frustrated stay-at-home mom? How do I explain that I'd love to just have coffee with a coworker once in a while? Three kids under three follow me into the bathroom. I spend my days saving three little people's lives over and over and keeping them from bolting from the playground into the street. In the tiny moments when someone helps out, I cram in a parenting book, like I'm in a permanent, life-or-death training course.

Am I doing everything right? And what if I'm not? What if they all end up a little messed up? Because of me? The thoughts spin, we're on the merry-go-round, and since most of us can hardly get off it during the toddler years, these worries often land on us. I once read in a book that dads get to raise kids with less guilt, and I thought: Wouldn't it be nice if moms could raise their kids guilt-free, too? But I digress.

What I wanted to say: No matter what stage of life you're in, it won't stay like this. The other day we drove past the TummelDschungel, a play paradise for kids and a nerve-wracking hell for parents, and we thought: Wow, back then we thought this was our life now. And it was only a tiny sliver of our life that we spent there. During school breaks (kids get 12 weeks off, parents get six, and I will never stop bringing up that scheduling disaster), I often drove there with my laptop to do my "home office" work, WHILE HE GOT TO JUST CRUISE OFF TO WORK NICE AND EASY. That's how it sometimes felt back then.

The End of the Who-Does-What Negotiations

And today? Most days, we have our self-determined life back. We can chat about trivial things like "What are we in the mood for tonight?" as if the tsunami of kid chaos had never rolled over us 😉 I can schedule AFTERNOON appointments again, because I no longer have to play mom taxi all the time. I can decide whether I'd rather work out in the morning or the evening, because as a freelancer I can mostly set my own hours.

We can just head to a museum together in the morning or go hiking while all the kids are still asleep. And when we parents are away for an evening or even a weekend, nobody has to prep meals or line up a babysitter. Yes, the other night I set an alarm to pick the kids up from a party, but otherwise we get to sleep through the night. We don't have to keep score anymore of who was gone when and for how long, or who's carrying how much of the mental load.

The kids take some questions to Dad and others to Mom. For some outings and vacations we can still get everyone to come along, and for others we can't. We can talk about everyday topics and the news of the day as equals, and we get so many new glimpses into the world of the next generation. Our kids no longer whack each other over the head in daily sibling fights about who has more cereal in the bowl.

Everyone can survive on their own now, and yet they haven't totally left the house. And I'd be so happy if some of you could simply look forward to this time, too. Despite all the warnings, it doesn't have to be terrible. On the contrary, it can be wonderful. When you look at what those little whirlwinds have turned into. Which direction they're growing in. What they're interested in, and what they're not. When you can lean back with a little distance, look at them, and think: Wow, who would have thought it would turn out like this…

P.S. I know that in other families the teen years bring serious problems too, like crossing lines, substance use or addictive behavior, or health struggles. And I know that many of you are caring for kids who will need support well into their teens and beyond. I'm thinking of you. This time I simply told the story of my own family, very subjectively, to encourage anyone who might look at their kids growing up with a bit of fear, even though it may well go much the same way for them. If you'd like to share your own story here so that you're seen, please get in touch.