Teens Still Need Us. It Just Looks Different Now

Hi, friends! Lisa is usually our resident teen expert, but my kids are growing up too. With a 14-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son, I've got a teen and a tween in the house. And it's not just my kids. The kids of the families we've known for years are getting older, too. In this new stage of life, I keep running into the same line: “Oh, they don't really need us anymore. They're doing their own thing now.”

And yes, that's true. My daughter makes plans with her friends completely without my help these days. She organizes her own study groups and looks up the bus and train connections when a field trip is coming up. She buys the mascara she wants herself, grabs a roll on the way when she's hungry, and puts together school presentations without my help.

She often does her own thing, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore. Of course she needs me in a different way than her little siblings, who still need help with their shoes or combing their hair.

Teens need us too, just differently!

They need us as a safe harbor, and I can often feel that very clearly. The world out there is so fast and exciting that it helps enormously to have a safe base at home. Of course I know that teens don't want to talk about everything with their parents, but every now and then they still do want to share a little. I often sit on the edge of her bed in the evening and ask specific questions: “How's it going with that weird teacher, Mr. X?” or “How come you've been seeing so little of your friend Y lately?” or “You seem a little down. Is there anything I can do to help?” Not every time, but often enough, that gets us talking.

Speaking of talking: I also keep hearing, “My teen just doesn't talk to us anymore,” and that makes me sooooo sad. Maybe boys go quieter than girls, but I hope our ritual of eating most meals together helps. Sure, sometimes a kid isn't there because of practice or something else on the calendar, but most of the time we're all at the table, talking about our day and going over what's coming up. And here, too, something important sometimes pops up: a grade that's “unfair,” a little fight, or whatever else needs to be talked through.

To get a conversation going with my older kids, I also like to ask for their expertise or opinion. I'll say, “I don't get the hype about Brawl Stars. Explain to me what you all think is so cool about it.” Or, “What do you think about kids sitting next to each other at the bus stop, staring at their phones and not talking to each other at all?” We don't always agree, but it gets us talking.

Sometimes you wonder whether you're doing all of this right with your teens, and whether you're guiding them well through such a sensitive time. One thing is clear: we'll make mistakes, and our kids will think we're completely clueless sometimes. But recently my oldest told me that a lot of her classmates come home from school to an empty house, and that she likes that at our place there's pretty much always someone around to chat with when she walks in the door. That she notices that and appreciates it touched me.

So I don't believe our teens don't need us anymore. They just need us differently, and maybe not around the clock. I think they need an anchor and boundaries, rules and rituals that keep them steady in this incredibly exciting phase of life. What do you think?