Teens Going Out at Night: What Are Your Rules?

Hi, friends. Lisa's kids are nearing the end of the teen years, while mine, at 14 and 11, are smack in the middle of it or just about to be. So a whole new set of topics is opening up for me. We have to renegotiate boundaries, make new agreements, and figure out what feels right for whom. At a dinner with friends who also have teenagers, I got another reminder of how differently families handle the same things.

Take going out at night. Everyone agreed that the kids shouldn't be out alone after dark. Letting two girls ride Berlin's S-Bahn (the commuter train) at midnight didn't feel good to anyone, but if it was a group of 10 teens, suddenly it seemed doable. Some parents track their kids on their phones, and others find that too much like surveillance. Some always pick their kids up at night, and others are more relaxed about it. I listened with great interest. I don't have strong opinions on any of this yet, because our 14-year-old doesn't go out at night yet.

Of course, I also thought about what it was like when I was a teenager. I grew up in a mid-sized city in Bavaria where you could get everywhere by bike. I was always out in a group, and I had a nice circle of friends. I'm sure there was the occasional beer too many, but nobody did hard drugs.

And of course I had experiences that I wouldn't find funny at all if my daughter had them. I once drank so much that I threw up in the bushes and could barely remember how I'd gotten to my friend's sleepover. There were definitely pushy boys who had a hard time understanding that we weren't interested. I've also stood at a party with no idea how I'd get home, because my ride had simply left without telling me.

Back then we had no cell phones, no internet, no social media. Our parents had only a rough idea of where we were, and when something unexpected happened, we had to figure it out fast, because we couldn't call home. Looking back, I think I was often luckier than I was smart, especially later, when we hitchhiked and disappeared into some club or other. I never ended up in a truly dangerous situation.

When I watch myself, I think that when it comes to going out, I'll probably end up among the more cautious moms. I'd rather pick my kid up than lie awake at night wondering whether some jerk on the subway is getting too close to my kid. I think I'd always say, “Take a cab,” because I'd worry that whoever's driving is going too fast or has been drinking. And yet I know that I can't protect my kids from everything that can happen at parties and out at night.

It's probably much more important to help our kids feel strong enough to handle sketchy situations. To teach them how to defend themselves and where to get help.

Since a lot of parents of teens are reading along here by now: What are your rules for going out at night? What time do your teens have to be home, and do you always pick them up? I'd love to read your comments on how you handle it.