Life With a 14-Year-Old: Phones, Makeup, and Trust

Hi, friends! Today I – Katharina – am taking over the teen column, because YES: I now have a teenager at home, too. My oldest daughter turned 14 in December and is in eighth grade. So far, we've been spared any big teenage drama. Still, some things have come up that weren't on our radar a little while ago.

It's a constant process of trying things out and adjusting, because we're still newbies at this age and everything I'm about to write is what works for us right now – which doesn't mean we won't tweak or change things when we need to.

The Phone, in General

Our daughter has a smartphone (one of our old ones) because she takes public transportation to school in another part of the city, and this way she can always see when the next bus or train is coming. Every evening around 7:30 or 8, I take the phone out of her room, and overnight it stays in the kitchen, turned off.

She uses WhatsApp, but only to talk to her friends, and we agreed that she can only be in group chats temporarily – like when a group project is due. I know there are tons of group chats (the whole class, just the girls in the class, and so on), but we agreed that she's not in those. It makes some things a little more complicated, but the upside is that messages aren't popping up NONSTOP.

Social Media

I know it's tough, but our 14-year-old doesn't have any social media accounts. No TikTok, no Snapchat, no Instagram. Luckily, her closest friends don't either, so she's not the only one. I spend a lot of time on social media myself, and I keep noticing how fast you can get influenced and rattled, how quickly you start comparing yourself and then feel bad. So I want my daughter to be as old as possible when she runs into Instagram & Co. – in the hope that she'll be a little more grounded by then.

For now, we've agreed that she can start social media at 16. At home, she watches YouTube videos now and then (I've turned on parental controls there) because she's really into DIY. For example, she sews pencil cases and bags from YouTube tutorials, or watches other videos about interior design.

Privacy

I would never go through her closet while she's at school or snoop around her room in any other way. From time to time, I look at her chat history on her phone while she's sitting right there. I don't read the actual messages. Instead, I ask who she's been in touch with a lot, and if there's a name I don't recognize right away, I ask about that. I know she could surely find ways to hide chats from me – I just hope she doesn't, which brings me to the next point.

Trust

I try to keep talking with her as much as I can. That doesn't mean we talk for hours every day. But I make a point of carving out time when we really talk. Usually that's in the evening, when I sit down on her bed and ask her specific questions. What's on your mind right now? How are things with so-and-so? Is anything bugging you lately? Not every time turns into a groundbreaking conversation, but sometimes it does.

Sometimes I just listen to how mean teacher so-and-so was or how annoying a certain classmate is. It's not about always tackling the big topics, either. It's more about showing her: You matter to me. I hope that way we won't forget how to talk to each other, and that she'll always know she can come to me with anything if she wants to.

Makeup

Her interest in makeup has grown a lot over the past few months. At first, the deal was that she could only wear mascara to school, but now it's quite a bit more. Overall, I think she wears it very naturally and doesn't look like a clown – when it comes to the whole makeup world, she's definitely better at it than I am. Makeup is paid for out of her allowance.

Allowance

Since our 14-year-old already earns a little extra from babysitting, she has no money worries. She buys makeup, home décor, jewelry, and so on. We pay for the basics when it comes to clothes, but if she spots a top at H&M that's pretty similar to two she already owns, she pays for that "luxury" out of her own money, too.

Helping Around the House

The kids have actually always done small chores around here from the start – even our youngest gets to help unload the dishwasher. So our oldest helps, for example, by watching her little brother for half an hour in the evening so I can clean up after dinner. Or she runs out for a few groceries or helps sort the laundry. Each kid has their own little jobs, but we don't use a set chore chart.

Alcohol and Cigarettes

Our oldest hangs out with a pretty "well-behaved" group of friends where this doesn't play a role yet, so she doesn't feel any urge to try anything. From what I can tell, smoking is kind of frowned upon in her circle anyway.

When I asked my daughter whether she thinks I'm a strict mom, she said I'm on the scale in the bottom half of the top half 🙂 So stricter than average, but not unpleasantly strict. She said she likes that all her friends are always welcome at our house, and that there are definitely way less cool parents out there than us. Phew, what a relief.

But the best part was that she recently went out of her way to ask for one-on-one time with me. I figure as long as she willingly wants to spend time with me, I don't have to worry too much about our bond!