When Recess Becomes Hell: A Bullying Survivor Speaks

Hi, friends. We hate that we keep having to write about bullying, but it's not getting any better on German playgrounds. We've talked to former bullies, published a mom's letter to her own bullied mother, and given a voice to Daniel Duddek, who bullied, was bullied, and now does educational work on the subject. The internet and messaging apps in particular have given bullying a whole different dynamic. Our interview guest Norman Wolf was a bullying victim, too. You may remember the article where he talked about searching for his father. Now he has worked through his bullying experiences in his book Wenn die Pause zur Hölle wird (When Recess Turns Into Hell).

Trigger warning: Norman talks here about violence on the playground and about suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is affected and needs help, the Telefonseelsorge, Germany's crisis hotline, is one place to find it.

Norman, you say bullying is more than teasing. What exactly is the difference?

Teasing is fun between equals, whether it's a friend or someone who's just as old and just as strong as you. Bullying is different because there's a power imbalance. The bullies are stronger or outnumber you, and you, the victim, are physically outmatched or alone. All against one, you could say. You can't get yourself out of the situation anymore. And so the bullying goes on for months, often years.

You've said you were bullied yourself. How long did it last, when did it start, and what did it do to you?

It started in fifth grade, and for three years it was really bad. What did it do to me? It made me feel worthless. How much worth can someone have who gets insulted, hit, spit on? Whose need to be physically safe doesn't matter to anyone. Who hears day after day how disgusting and pathetic he is, that he can't do anything right and nobody likes him. When I was twelve, I stood naked in front of the mirror, having just washed spit off my head, and looked at myself with total self-hatred. What the others had been saying for years had finally landed inside me. I thought, “They're right. You're fat, ugly, repulsive.” That was the day I had my first suicidal thought.

What was the worst thing that was done to you?

The most disgusting part was when my bullies found out I have sensitive skin that turns red as soon as you scratch it. One of them grabbed me and held me down while the other carved a swastika into my skin. A few seconds later it was glowing red on my forehead. Other than that, I'd say the raw violence. Once I got punched right in the face and my nose started bleeding.

Lines like “Just ignore them!” or “Don't let them get to you” only made you feel more unsure. What would have helped instead?

Having someone take me seriously. Having someone say to me, “Thank you for having the courage to tell me this. I'm sure it wasn't easy. This is a serious problem. And I want you to know it's not just your problem anymore. I'm in this with you. We'll deal with it together.”

No kid in the world expects teachers to have the perfect solution ready right away. But someone who steps in and takes the weight off your shoulders, that means so much and is such a relief. When I share a problem with someone, it weighs half as much.

You worked as a counselor for bullying victims at the Nummer gegen Kummer, Germany's helpline for kids and teens. Has bullying changed over the years? What are teens dealing with today? Can you explain where the urge to torment others comes from?

Cyberbullying is definitely a bigger issue today than it was ten years ago. These days every teenager really does have a smartphone and is reachable 24/7. It used to be that bullying stopped at the school gate. Now you put it in your pocket, take it home with you, maybe even take it to bed. That means chronic stress. You can't even put the burden down at home, switch off, and feel safe.

The topics change, but the process always stays the same: bullying is a social phenomenon. The students at the very top of the social ladder bully the ones at the very bottom to protect their position in the class and boost their self-worth.

That sounds terrible, but it's also popular and totally ordinary in the adult world. We compare ourselves to others who are obviously “worse” than we are so we can feel better about ourselves (that's how reality TV works, for example). In the classroom, it's the looks, the whispering, and often the laughter and the impressed faces of classmates that feed the ego and drive the bullies on.

Can a late apology from the bullies make up for anything?

I think so, yes. Even today I'd wish for the two boys who tormented me the most back then to apologize to me. I think it's unlikely that will ever happen. But of course, there's still that twelve-year-old boy inside me, the one who was driven almost to death. He wants an apology and never got one.

How can you rebuild your self-confidence after experiences like that?

“Repairing” your self-worth is a long road, a lifelong task. People who've been bullied have to build up an awareness again that they're good at things, that people like them, that they matter and have value. That's hard when the bullies' voices are still haunting your head years later.

To this day I look in the mirror and automatically think, “Fat pig.” Then I have to remind myself that this thought isn't “the truth,” it's a scar from back then, a sentence that got burned into me. And then I answer that echo with a loving voice: “That's not true. You have a perfectly normal body.” That helps.

What would you like to say to kids who are being bullied right now? And to their parents and teachers?

Dear parents, dear teachers, please take bullying seriously. It's not “normal,” and it doesn't go away “on its own.” It's a cruel situation for hundreds of thousands of kids and teenagers in Germany who need your help to get out of it. So help them!

Thank you for the platform and the chance to reach people! Knowing how to handle bullying the right way needs to finally sink in for everyone.