Raising a Child With ADHD Without Losing Your Mind

Hi, friends. Many families sense early on that their child just ticks “a little differently,” and when a diagnosis finally comes, it can feel like a relief at first. But how do we really understand ADHD? How can we shape family life so that everybody gets by? Berit Hullmann has some answers.

Dear Berit, your book is called “Understanding ADHD – Without Losing Your Mind as a Family.” So how have you managed, as a mom, not to lose your mind over your child with ADHD?

That's the title, but I don't claim in the book that I've pulled it off myself 😊. It's permanently a work in progress. Some days it goes well, others not so much, and you have to accept that. Humor definitely helps. So does letting little things be little things. Choose your battles: I don't have to fight every fight, and I definitely don't have to win every one. Not every open cabinet door is worth a conflict.

When did you first suspect that something might be different with your child?

During her daycare years, she stood out as a bundle of energy. We called her the “Energizer Bunny of the preschool group.” She was loud, wild, and sassy, but also curious, creative, and sensitive. In the book “So Much Joy, So Much Rage” by Nora Imlau (a German author), I read for the first time about “strong-feeling kids.” That really spoke to me back then, and “big feelings” was explanation enough for me. Nobody was thinking about ADHD. Looking back, the signs were there, but you have to know them first and be able to put them in context.

What did the ADHD diagnosis change for you, and for how you treat your daughter?

At first I thought: That can't be right. Isn't that just boys who can't sit still in class and are always setting off the fire alarm? The more I read about ADHD in all its forms, beyond the clichés, the more I recognized her in it. And the relief grew. We finally had an explanation, and I hope we met her with more understanding. We also got gentler with ourselves as parents.

Where do parents of kids with ADHD still run into walls in society today? What would need to change?

Kids with ADHD, and therefore their parents, run into prejudice. ADHD gets called an excuse for bad parenting, a fad diagnosis, or a social media trend. Families hear this a lot, usually when they've already been at their limit for years and are wondering what they did wrong, even though they're giving it everything they've got.

At the same time, our society isn't built for people with ADHD. People, kids and adults alike, are mostly judged by how well they function: how they behave, how tidy the house is, how well they do in school.

I'd love to see fewer judgments and more knowledge about ADHD and neurodivergence. We need a diverse society, and that includes people who tick a little differently but often bring fresh perspectives and creative solutions with them. Families who are already struggling don't need more pressure.

Tell us about a situation from your real life today that probably doesn't happen as often in families without neurodivergence.

We were just in Austria with some other families, at a ropes course. The kids had to watch a safety video before they were allowed to start climbing. Those five kids lined up in a row were a perfect picture of neurotypical versus neurodivergent: Three of them stood calmly in front of the screen, watching with total reverence.

Next to them stood mine, who were just picking at themselves. The harness is digging in, the shoe is too tight, the helmet is too loose, and oh look, someone's flying down the zip line, I want to do that too! And in everyday life, of course: open cabinets and drawers, clothes on the floor. Our place often looks like we've been burglarized.

A lot of parents of teenagers are reading along here. What's especially challenging about the teen years for kids with ADHD?

Risk-taking is stronger, and at the same time impulse control is lower. This is the phase when parents feel the lack of acceptance in society most. Risky behavior covers things that parents feel ashamed about: My teenager smokes or vapes, drinks, skips school, steals, lies, fights constantly, breaks things, has to repeat a grade, hangs out with sketchy people, is always late, does drugs, never cleans up, gets into physical fights.

These aren't topics you chat about at the school fair next to the hot dog stand. For parents of kids with ADHD, it's easy to feel like everyone else has their teens under control except you. Of course, not all of this happens at once, and not every teen with ADHD is constantly like this. But the odds that something goes off the rails during the teen years are simply higher.

How do I handle my teen's different impulse control and different sense of danger?

It's a daily balancing act. What do I allow, what don't I? And then the exciting question: Will my teen with ADHD stick to a rule, or find a way around it? Because those creative minds will definitely come up with a “great” idea.

Overall, I think the most important thing is to always put the relationship with your child ahead of grades or a tidy teenage bedroom. And to apologize when you've reacted harshly. That will definitely happen, because a lot of teens with ADHD get a kick out of provoking and escalating again and again. Parents' doors should always be open, and not just a crack.

Ask your daughter what she'd say about you as a mom… 

I asked her, and her spontaneous answer was: “When you mess up, you make up for it by shopping.” Probably not very valuable, educationally (or financially). I wouldn't call it my parenting philosophy either, but, full transparency, that was her first thought.

What final words of encouragement would you like to give all parents of kids with ADHD?

Some days are about nothing but sheer survival. Educate yourselves about ADHD, and: Hang in there! When the kids are grown, you'll be the ones with the good stories.