At 45, With Three Nearly Grown Kids, She's Having the Best Years Yet

Friends, we recently shared an Instagram post by Shari Dietz, in which she simply lists what makes her happy right now, at 39 and almost 40. Some of you wrote “JEALOUS!”, others said they don’t experience anything even remotely like that, and still others were just happy for her.

Ellen wrote in, too. Her kids are 22, 20, and 17. Her words: “Just talked with my husband about how wonderful this stage of life is right now. Even at 45 ;-)” We wanted to hear more.

Dear Ellen, what exactly makes this time so good that you call it the best stage of your life?

My gut answer is: EVERYTHING. And I did not see that coming. A few weeks ago I was standing in my daughter’s room, which was full of boxes because she was getting ready to move out, and I felt pretty queasy. Our oldest daughter has been out of the house for three years, but she lives very close by. This next jump felt much bigger. After all, our youngest is almost 18, very independent, and out and about a lot.

My husband and I both work from home, and that has been, and still is, a challenge now and then. Thoughts popped into my head like: “How do we fill the gap?” “What if we have nothing left to say to each other?” “What am I supposed to do with myself?” But in everyday life, those questions just never came up. Back when the kids were little, our time was run by everyone else’s schedule. Playing mom-and-dad taxi to practice and friends’ houses, picking up things for school together, grocery runs, and so on. I think every parent knows that one. Bit by bit, it fell away.

More and more of our time became ours. The kids took over a lot or could handle it on their own. That gave us an enormous amount of freedom, and I wouldn’t want to give it up. We can go to concerts or even the opera without a big production. We can take off for a few days, or, like last summer, go on a multi-week road trip (THANK YOU, location-independent work). Or we just hop on our bikes and explore the area.

A lot of parents look toward the teen years with their heads ducked, wondering how to handle it as the kids get older. Can you give them some courage?

I don’t love making sweeping statements, and I can only speak for myself. But yes, I can give you courage. This phase, when kids turn into independent adults, is sometimes really challenging. We have to let go and trust life and our kids’ decisions. Letting them go without knowing where they are or who they’re with isn’t necessarily easy. But in my opinion, that’s exactly where the key to a good parent-child relationship lies.

Our kids share a lot with us. We’ve always talked a lot, and we adjusted our own “free time” as parents whenever the kids came by and needed to talk. It usually happens in moments when you least expect it, and we make room for those moments. We kept that up after the kids moved out. A quick phone call or FaceTime while I’m cooking dinner. Staying in conversation, but not crowding them. I think that mix is why we have such a good relationship with our daughters.

Times change. Where they once needed guidance, or maybe a clear boundary, now you’re more of a quiet advisor. I say quiet because I think it’s important not to constantly rub my opinion in their faces when they haven’t asked. They make decisions I don’t necessarily love. But it’s their life, not mine. Remembering how much I hated it when someone told me how to do things, or what not to do, helps immensely.

In her post, Shari says she now loves the same TV shows as her kids. Are there things you suddenly enjoy together, too? 

Great example. A few years ago, my husband had a sports injury while I was away on a work trip in Berlin. I rushed home, went straight to the hospital, then home again. I hadn’t slept much, I was wrecked, and I ended up sitting on the couch completely drained. My middle daughter said, “Mom, I think you need something funny. I have a show idea.” She put on “Modern Family” and I laughed until I was limp. I still love that show to this day, and I love how I found it.

Back then, household stuff was exhausting and took a lot of planning. Now we love cooking or baking together. We like taking long walks together, or just hanging out. Time together has gotten scarcer, but it’s also much more intentional. Our real highlight is that we still go on vacation together. A lot has changed there, too, and we’re going through that change together.

Shari also says that she and her husband have discovered a whole new kind of passion that they didn’t know at 20 (the two of them have 4 kids together). Can you relate to that, too?

Hehehehe… I don’t want to give away any steamy details, but yes, it changes the relationship. It wasn’t always easy to be a couple with three more-or-less-grown kids in the house, and a house that’s not exactly soundproof. When there’s suddenly more freedom, meaning fewer people in the house to focus on or to be distracted by, that opens up new room.

You can use it to renovate the house or park yourself in front of the TV, but you can also use it for other things. Because let’s be honest: if you spend all day taking care of everybody else’s needs and not your own, your energy reserves are simply used up. And if I have no energy, where is desire supposed to come from?

And passing tasks back and forth and organizing who does what doesn’t exactly have a lot of sex appeal either. We feel very comfortable in this stage of life right now. It’s fun to discover each other all over again. Who am I, and who is my partner, when we have nothing to take care of but ourselves?

Passion in a long-term relationship where there are kids to take care of is what most of your messages to us were about. It seems to be a vulnerable spot for a lot of people. Many wish for it but are far from it. How do you think couples can get out of that and find their way back to each other?

I know that feeling of being at a point where you question a lot. Or where you want more. We’ve been a couple for 30 years, and I thought we knew each other inside and out. But this newfound time together has opened a lot of doors for us. The linchpin, in my opinion, is always COMMUNICATION. Talk to each other.

That road trip we took in the summer came about because we’d been treading water the year before, and I was lost in thought. My husband asked me what was going on in my head (such a great question, and one we should ask far more often). And I told him I’d been thinking about how much of the world I still want to see. What my wishes are. It just came out.

It wasn’t a setup with a circle of chairs and a talking stick. We just shared our thoughts in the here and now. And I was very surprised that my husband had similar wishes. Then we sat down together and took a realistic look at what was actually possible. What we really wanted. That turned into the best summer ever. A summer that gave us both so much courage for the time ahead. The time when we’re less parents and much more “just” a couple.

That summer is also carrying us through the otherwise pretty gloomy winter. We’re much more in the mood to do things. To look for what we haven’t done yet. We go to the theater and the opera. We bake cookies together in the evening. Or we turn the TV off and play something. It makes us meet each other in a whole different way. Touching, kisses, and hugs have increased a lot because of it. I believe that appreciating everyday life and living close to your own values is a huge lever in a relationship.

Shari also says she’s found a new hobby that fulfills her, that she has never felt so comfortable in her body, whether she’s about seven pounds up or down, that she now puts her mental health first, and that she sees herself as much clearer, braver, more awake, and more loving than before. Which of these points can you relate to? 

I’m right there with her. It’s so lovely to have time for your own needs again. When I see moms of little kids today, rushing around and putting pressure on themselves about their bodies, I want to call out to them: “Relax. Your time is coming.”

For a long time, I did everything in a rush. My needs weren’t as important as a clean house or clean laundry. I was happy to let my workouts slide because I was driving the kids around. That’s different now.

I love taking the time to go for a run with the dog or head to the gym. If I’m having a not-so-great day, that’s okay. I don’t have to deliver peak performance anymore. And yet I’m often more productive than ever. Just recently I made an Advent calendar for all three of my daughters, simply because I really felt like it and not because anyone expected it of me.

It brought me so much joy, and the girls were really happy, too. Another woman said to me: “You must have a lot of time on your hands.” I could only laugh at that snippy comment and think to myself: “Oh, you poor thing…”

And yes, of course, gaps in my schedule are opening up. I spent a long time this year thinking about what I really want for my life. And next year I’ll be doing training to become a crisis chaplain (someone who offers emergency pastoral care to people in acute crises). Alongside my job and the other volunteer work I do, it’s a lovely addition, a way to spend my time on something truly meaningful.

Were there times when you couldn’t imagine this stage at all? 

Can you really imagine what a stage will be like when you’re not in it? When I had one kid, I couldn’t imagine what daily life with 3 would look like. When they were in preschool, I had no idea what to expect from middle school, or what it would be like to have 3 kids at 3 different schools. We all grow into these stages. The more open we are about it and the more we let go of our expectations (easier said than done, I know), the easier and lovelier it gets.

I remember telling an acquaintance last summer about the queasy feeling those packed boxes in my daughter’s room had set off. She smiled at me and said, “A really wonderful stage of life is waiting for you. Look forward to it.” That really worked.

Of course I miss some stages. The first steps. The pacifier fairy. The first wiggly tooth. Baking cookies or doing crafts together. But it doesn’t help me or my kids if I hold on too tight. We had that time together, and if we’re lucky, we’ll have plenty more moments together in the future. Just different ones. And I’m really looking forward to that.

What would you like to tell those who might still be struggling and wondering whether the waters will get calmer and happier soon? 

I’m thinking about what would have helped me when the waters were anything but calm. I’m a little glad there was no Instagram or anything like it back then. Other parents’ and moms’ stories would have stressed me out. We spend way too much time looking left and right instead of focusing on ourselves. Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time. We all have our own battles to fight. And nobody sees that.

Go easy on yourself. And on your time. Yes, I was able to make an Advent calendar for 3 grown kids this year. But there were plenty of years when that didn’t happen (not to mention that this whole Advent calendar craze is hardly affordable…).

The older your kids get, the more independent they become. Your time is run by everyone else’s needs only for a limited stretch. No time right now for self-care or yoga or a perfect house in vanilla beige? Relax. That’s how it is right now. But not forever.

It’s been proven by now that social media makes people very unhappy, even sick. So if you’re already stressed and stretched thin, give the comparing a break for a while. You never know what’s real or fake out there anyway. Give yourself and your kids moments they’ll remember. Dinner on the trampoline. A pajama party and a pillow fight. Jumping in puddles and dancing in the rain. Do whatever you all feel like doing. Without the pressure to make everything perfect.

And if it ever gets really rough: Your time is coming. And it’s going to be great. Look forward to it.