Dear ones, we recently shared Shari Dietz’s Instagram post in which she simply lists what makes her happy at the age of 39 and just before her 40th birthday. Some of you wrote „ENVY!“, others said that unfortunately they don’t experience it remotely like that and still others simply rejoiced with her.
Ellen also got in touch, her children are 22, 20 and 17 years old. She formulated the following sentence: „I was just talking to my husband about how wonderful this phase of life is. Even at 45 ;-)“. We wanted to know more about that.
Dear Ellen, what exactly makes this time so good that you say it’s the best phase of your life?
From my gut, I would say: EVERYTHING. And I wasn’t expecting that at all. When I stood in my daughter’s nursery a few weeks ago and everything was full of boxes because she was preparing to move out, I felt very uneasy. My eldest daughter has been out of the house for 3 years now, but is still very close to us. But the leap now seemed very big to me. After all, the youngest daughter is also almost of age and is very independent and travelling a lot.
My husband and I both work from home and that was and still is a challenge. I thought things like: „How do we fill the gap?“ „What if we have nothing more to say to each other?“ „What am I supposed to do?“ But these questions didn’t arise in everyday life. In the past, when the children were younger, we were very much in control of our time. Parent taxi to training, to friends, running errands together for school, shopping etc. I think all parents know that. That has gradually disappeared.
Our time became more and more free. The children took over a lot of things or were able to do them independently. This gave us a huge amount of freedom that I wouldn’t want to do without. We can go to concerts or even to the opera without much organisation. We can simply go away for a few days or, as we did last summer, go on a road trip lasting several weeks (THANK YOU location-independent working). Or just get on our bikes and explore the area.
Many parents look with somewhat ducked heads in the direction of youth and how to deal with the growing kids, can you encourage them?
I don’t necessarily like to generalise and can only ever speak for myself. But yes, I can encourage you. This phase, where children become independent adults, is sometimes very challenging. We have to let go and trust in our children’s lives and the right decisions. Letting them go without knowing where they are or who they are with is not necessarily that easy. But in my opinion, that’s where the key to a good parent-child relationship lies.
Our children share a lot with us. We have always talked a lot and also adapted our „free time“ as parents when the kids came and needed to talk. It usually happens at times when you don’t expect it. And we give these moments space. We also kept this up when the children moved out. A quick call or Facetime while cooking dinner. Staying in dialogue with each other. And at the same time not pressurising them. I think this mix is what makes us have such a good relationship with our daughters.
Times are changing. Where they used to need guidance or perhaps a clear boundary, today you are more of a silent advisor. I say silent because I think it’s important not to constantly rub their noses in my own opinion without being asked. They make decisions that I don’t necessarily agree with. But it’s their life and not mine. Remembering that I didn’t like it at all when someone told me what to do and what not to do helps immensely.
In her post, Shari says that she now enjoys the same series as her children, are there things that you suddenly enjoy together?
Very cool example. A few years ago, my husband had a sports accident when I was in Berlin on business. I rushed home, to the hospital and then home. I hadn’t slept much, was really exhausted and then sat on the couch exhausted. And my middle daughter said: „Mum, I think you need something fun. I have an idea for a series.“ She switched on „Modern Family“ and I laughed my head off. To this day, I love this series and how I found it.
In the past, household activities were exhausting and involved a lot of organisation. Today, we love cooking or baking together. We like to go for long walks together or just hang out. Time together has become scarcer. But also much more consciously. Our highlight is actually that we still go on holiday together. A lot has changed there too and we are currently going through this change together.</p
Shari also says that she and her husband have discovered a whole new kind of passion that they didn’t even know they had when they were 20 (they have 4 children together). Can you dock there too?
Hihihihihi…. I don’t want to give away any salacious details here – but yes, it does change the partnership. It hasn’t necessarily been easy being a couple when there are 3 more or less grown-up children in the house and the house isn’t exactly soundproofed. Suddenly having more freedom, i.e. fewer people in the house to focus on or distract you, brings new freedom.
You can use it to renovate the house or sit in front of the TV, but you can also use it for other things. Because let’s not kid ourselves: If you spend all day taking care of all sorts of issues and not your own, then your energy reserves will simply be depleted. And if I don’t have any energy, where can I find the energy?
And if we push tasks back and forth and organise them, it doesn’t necessarily have that much sex appeal. We feel very comfortable in this phase of our lives right now. It’s fun to completely rediscover ourselves. What am I like, what is my partner like, when we don’t have to worry about anything but ourselves?
We received the most messages about passion in a long-term relationship where there are also children to look after. This seems to be a vulnerable point for many. A lot of people want that, but are far from it. How do you think couples can get out of it and find their way back to each other?
I know that feeling of being at a point where you question a lot of things. Or even want more. We’ve been a couple for 30 years and I thought we knew each other inside out. But this newfound time we have together has opened many doors for us. In my opinion, the linchpin is always COMMUNICATION. Talk to each other.
This road trip that we took in the summer came about because we had been swimming the year before and I was so lost in thought. My husband asked me what was going on in my head (such a great question that we should ask much more often). And I told him that I was thinking about how much more of the world I wanted to see. What my wishes are. It just came out that way.
This wasn’t a setting with a circle of chairs and a talking stone. It was in the here and now, sharing thoughts with each other. And I was very surprised that my husband had similar wishes. And we then sat down together and had a real look at what was really possible. What we really want. It turned out to be the best summer ever. A summer that gave us both so much courage for the time to come. The time when we are less parents and much more „just“ a couple.
This summer is also carrying us through the otherwise rather dull winter months. We feel much more like doing something. See what we haven’t done yet. Going to the theatre and opera. Bake biscuits together in the evening. Or leave the TV off and play a game. This allows us to meet in a completely different way. Touching, kissing and hugging have become much more frequent as a result. I believe that this everyday appreciation and living close to your own values are a great lever in a relationship.
Shari also says that she has found a new hobby that fulfils her, that she has never felt so comfortable in her body, regardless of whether she is three kilos heavier or lighter, that she now puts her mental health first and that she perceives herself much more clearly, bravely, alertly and lovingly than before. Which points can you dock onto?
I’m right there with you. It’s so nice to have time for my own needs again. When I see mums with young children today, rushing around and putting themselves under pressure when it comes to their own bodies, I would like to shout to them: „Relax – your time is coming.“
For a long time, I was always quick and fast. My needs weren’t as important as a clean house or washed laundry. I was happy to let my sport take a back seat because I was driving the children. That’s different today.
I love taking time to go for a run with the dog or to go to the gym. If I’m not having such a good day, that’s okay. I don’t have to deliver top performance here anymore. And yet I’m often more productive than ever. I’ve just made an Advent calendar for all three of my daughters – simply because I wanted to and not because anyone expected me to.
I was so happy about it and the girls were delighted too. Then another woman said to me: „You must be very bored.“ I could only laugh at this snappy comment and think to myself: „Oh, you poor thing…“
Yes, of course there are time gaps here. I’ve spent a long time this year thinking about what I really want for my life. And next year, I will be training to become an emergency counsellor. In addition to my job and other voluntary positions I have, it’s a nice addition to do something very worthwhile with my time.
Were there times when you couldn’t even imagine the phase you’re in now?
Can you really imagine what phases are like when you’re not in them? With one child, I couldn’t imagine what everyday life would be like with 3 children. Or when they were at nursery, I had no idea what to expect at secondary school or when you have 3 children at 3 different schools. We all grow into these phases. The more openly we deal with it and let go of our expectations (easier said than done, I realise), the easier and nicer it becomes.
I remember telling a friend in the summer about the uneasy feeling I had when the boxes were packed in my daughter’s nursery. She smiled at me and said: „There’s a really great phase of life waiting for you right now. Look forward to it.“ That really worked.
Of course, I mourn the phases. The first steps. The dummy fairy. The first wobbly tooth. Baking biscuits or making things together. But it doesn’t help me or my children if I hold on to them too tightly. We had this time together and, if we’re lucky, we’ll have many more moments together in the future. Just in a different way. And I’m really looking forward to that.
What else would you like to say to those who are perhaps still struggling and wondering whether the waters will soon be calmer and happier again?
I’m just thinking about what would have helped me when the waters weren’t calm at all. I’m a bit glad that there was no Instagram or anything like that for me at the time. The stories of other parents or mums would have stressed me out. We look far too much to the left and right instead of focussing on ourselves. Everyone only ever boils with water. We all have our battles to fight. And nobody sees that.
Be gentle with yourself. With your time. Yes, I could now make an advent calendar for 3 grown-up children. But there were enough years when I couldn’t (not to mention the fact that this Advent calendar madness is almost impossible to finance…).
The older the children get, the more independent they become. Your time is only controlled by others for a certain period of time. You don’t have time for self-care or yoga or a perfect house in vanilla beige at the moment? Then relax. That’s the way it is now. But not forever.
It’s now been proven that social media can make you very unhappy or even ill. So if you’re already stressed and challenged, stop making comparisons for a while – you don’t know what’s real or fake online anyway. Give yourself and your children moments to remember. Dinner together on the trampoline. Pyjama party and pillow fight. Puddle jumping and dancing in the rain. Do whatever you feel like doing. Without the pressure of having to do everything perfectly.
And if things get really bad: Your time will come. And it will be great. Look forward to it.
