Making Room for Sadness: Why We Need Our Tears

Friends, do you ever just give yourself time for your sadness? Let the tears run over everything that's going on right now? Miriam is an educator, a licensed alternative practitioner for psychotherapy (a German professional designation), and a parent consultant. In her parent coaching practice, she helps moms become the moms they want to be: lovingly connected with their child and, at the same time, clear and confident in leading their family. Here she shares how she handles tears.

Meeting Sadness

It was one of the last mild nights just after the start of fall. As so often, I was lying on my balcony looking up at the clear, starry sky. Wrapped in a blanket, I suddenly felt my tears start to flow. One. Two. Three. Warm tears running down my cheeks and dripping onto the cool stone floor.

And I didn't know: Was it because this was a season of goodbyes? A time when my 93-year-old father had grown even weaker after his latest fall. A time when my 18-year-old son moving out no longer seemed far away. Or was it awe at the huge canopy of stars above me?

Whatever it was that touched me so deeply in that moment, my heart was moved. So moved that my tears were finally able to flow.

What Tears Need

Tears. They matter so much! And in some phases of life, they're so rare. For us as parents. For our kids. And especially for our teenagers. Tears are the natural response to loss, disappointment, longing, missing someone, and pain. And they're the ultimate release valve for built-up stress, frustration, and alarm.

All of these emotions want to be felt and expressed. Then they transform. Then mad turns into sad. But for that transformation to happen and for the tears of sadness to show up, certain conditions have to be in place.

We need a "safe space": the presence of someone caring. A good friend's loving hug. The feeling of being held by nature, whether that's under a starry sky, leaning against a tree trunk, or listening to the waves at the ocean.

Above all, we need to feel safe enough. Secure and protected. All of that is worth its weight in gold. Because tears and sadness are the most vulnerable emotions we humans have. So vulnerable that they disappear quickly when the conditions aren't right.

It's easy for them to get covered up by something far less vulnerable: anger and aggression. Then we stay stuck in mad, and the path to the sadness that releases us is blocked.

The Power of Tears and Sadness

But tears aren't only a natural response to life's unavoidable disappointments. They're so much more. The tears of sadness carry us to another place. A place where it sinks in that something is futile. So we can begin to accept everything we can't change anyway.

That's how we find our way back to resilience. We find hope and get creative in the face of everything we can't change. The precious power of sadness and tears also lies in how they keep making our hearts soft. Tears are the ultimate fabric softener for our hearts!

A heart that compassion, helpfulness, care, and yes, love can flow from. And isn't that what we all want? For ourselves. And for our kids and teens.

Inviting in Tears and Sadness

Once we understand how precious the tears of sadness are, we can start inviting sadness in like a welcome guest. We can start to "flirt" with sadness a little. My own flirting with sadness looks something like this:

• Listening to melancholy music (for example "Adagio for Strings" by Samuel Barber, "Gabriel's Oboe" by Ennio Morricone, or "Sad Lisa" by Cat Stevens)
• Writing about sadness for 10 minutes (starting with "I miss…", "I grieve…", "My tears…")
• Talking with a good friend. Someone who listens and gives me their presence without handing out advice.
• Going out into nature. Leaning against my favorite tree, lying down in the cool grass, or looking up at the wide starry sky ✨

Did you notice that this flirting with sadness takes someone or something to hold us? Someone or something that makes us feel safe enough to let go a little and surrender for a moment?

Being there for our kids in their sadness

That's exactly what we can remember when we want to be there for our kids in their sadness. It takes fewer words and more loving presence. A sympathetic "Mhmmmh," "Oh…," "I know…." or humming a melancholy tune can sometimes be more comforting than a lot of words, or worse, questions.

A cuddle session on the couch, a yummy cup of hot cocoa, or a slice of warm banana bread can also bring that sense of security. Anything that comforts and helps your child feel their sadness for a moment is healing.

And don't forget: every child grieves differently. One child finds their tears easily, while another cries more on the inside. Especially if your child is very sensitive, tears may be hard for them. Then the sadness might show up in your child's or teen's posture, facial expression, or voice instead.

Tears and sadness are shy little things that only show up when the conditions are truly right. None of it can be forced. All we can do is provide the conditions, meaning enough safety and security, and open the door to sadness that way. But your child has to walk through it on their own. Sometimes that takes a lot of patience.

The comforting part: none of it gets lost. Sometimes a sadness that's been hidden shows up completely unexpectedly. Then we'll come to appreciate what it gives us: a heart wide enough to feel not only deep sadness, but deep joy, too ❤️