Dear ones, dads can also have adjustment difficulties when a baby joins the family. The „Mental First Aid“ for fathers takes care of them. There are not yet many contact points for those affected. Marcus del Monte has founded one.
Mr del Monte, you look after the mental health of expectant and new fathers, what problems are increasingly common during this phase?
Many fathers who come to us are not prepared for their new life as a family with a child. They would prefer to run away. However, their morals prohibit them from doing so, as well as the presumed expectations they have of themselves, and they don’t know how to deal with it.
The fathers want to be the „perfect“ father, they have to „stand their ground“ in every respect: family, financially and socially, to name just a few of the new challenges. As a result, they are sometimes completely overwhelmed.</p
The overwhelm goes so far that those affected cannot categorise what is going on with them. This overwhelm, coupled with uncertainty about what is right and the associated expectations from all sides, ultimately creates anxiety.
Where does this come from?
Well, that’s the crucial question that fathers should also ask themselves. First of all, they need to look at whether their problems are a symptom or a cause, because as soon as they deal with the cause, they can get to the root of the „evil“. However, anyone who has not clarified this for themselves is stuck in this unresolved situation.
We can imagine it like being in a tube: You can’t go back. But they don’t really dare to move forward with all the responsibility for their new life because they lack awareness of their current situation. So they are stuck. It’s simply fear, combined with a deep uncertainty about what to do.
This can even lead to depressive moods, avoidance of social contact or weight fluctuations and insomnia or even feelings of guilt towards their own child. This is exactly when we want to help prepare fathers mentally and take away their fears by giving them the tools they need to be able to act again.
How did you originally come up with the idea of dealing with paternal adjustment disorders and offering psychological first aid
?
When I received enquiries from midwives in connection with my psychotherapeutic practice, I was asked several times whether the midwives could also send me the fathers. I then had various conversations and realised that there was „an issue“. An issue that should not be underestimated and with which fathers are pretty much left alone.
So I started to do some research and realised that there are virtually no services for this problem and, as already mentioned, the fathers affected are left completely alone in their situation.
Have the challenges of becoming a father changed or have men simply changed so that they now also seek help when they realise that they are reaching their emotional limits?
Yes and no, a process has begun, a social change in which men are also allowed to show weakness. Mental problems have now become socially acceptable and the shame associated with them is slowly disappearing. Unfortunately, not everyone has yet realised that everyone affected should play their part in their own wellbeing, mental health and emotional balance.
As therapists, we can point out and guide the way, but it’s up to those affected to get started. This is sometimes hard work, which is not always pleasant and where some people reach their limits because they have to leave their comfort zone.
What are the main issues when working with new fathers, what specifically overwhelms them? The relationship? The huge responsibility?
As already mentioned, it is the fear associated with being overwhelmed in the current situation. The fathers‘ lives are no longer what they were, at least in certain parts and stages. There is the part that is known, that the fathers believe they can control and then there is „the new“, the unknown and that’s where „the boys are out“, there is a lack of control.
The fathers are facing a completely new phase in their lives, over which they have little influence, or so they believe. They are desperate, torn, meaning: „Two souls live, alas, in my breast“ as Goethe described it.
The fathers are still stuck in their old lives and have not yet fully arrived in their new lives. The situation is unsettling and they lack control. The „crux“ of the whole situation is that the fathers don’t realise the whole thing and usually don’t know what’s happening in their lives and what it’s doing to them.
And that’s where we at SPIRITUAL FIRST AID come in – our workshops start right here. We make participants aware of what is currently changing in their lives and how they can deal with it.</p
You say that shame is also a big issue. How do mothers or fathers with pre- or postpartum depression get out of it? How do they overcome it and then ultimately organise help?
When someone feels shame, it always has something to do with „embarrassment“. We feel ashamed because we don’t fulfil the expectations and standards that are presumably expected of us. We think we are „not enough“. We usually only fail because of expectations, our own, those of others and the expectations we have of fate, the universe, God or whatever we may believe in.
These unfulfilled expectations lead to disappointment and therefore frustration. We show that no one in the world is responsible for fulfilling our expectations and that we, in turn, are not there to fulfil the expectations of others. So: if we have no expectations, no one and nothing can be disappointed.
In addition, the question always comes up, „BUT what is the alternative to expectations?“ and we also have a tool ready to prepare for this. Most participants then have an „AHA“ experience and the „penny“ has dropped and so they have orientation in their lives again.
Who can affected fathers in Germany turn to? And how is this regulated in other countries?
Unfortunately, we realised that there are few to no prevention services in Germany in this context. That’s why we took action ourselves. Other countries are already much further ahead.
You offer workshops entitled „Help, I’m going to be a dad“, who registers for these, what are the contents?
This workshop is designed for fathers-to-be and fathers, but the topic is also interesting for midwives and all people involved in the topic of pregnancy. In this context, I would like to mention that we also offer individual coaching online via Zoom for fathers. The 1-1 coaching sessions give fathers the opportunity to address their personal situation more individually.
The 1-day workshops cover topics such as self-care, mindfulness and changing perspectives. What are my boundaries and how do I communicate them? The workshops take place in selected locations throughout Germany.
Can you tell us about the last touching moment you experienced in a father counselling session?
There was this father, intelligent, professionally successful, a happy partnership. But, he told me: „I was terrified at the thought of having to spend time with my son, holding him and being with him. Every time he cried in my arms, I felt like he was telling me that he hated me, that he was rejecting me. While my wife immediately bonded with our child, I felt useless.
More than that, I felt unworthy to be part of his family. I felt guilty. Instead of joy, I felt emptiness, instead of closeness there was distance. I withdrew, cried a lot, spent whole days in bed or threw myself into work until I was completely exhausted. I just couldn’t cope, and yet I never thought to ask anyone for help until the level of suffering was so high that I was literally crying out for help“
What advice would you like to give fathers?
I agree with Prince Hamlet to his friend Horatio, according to Shakespeare: „Readiness (to be ready) is everything“.
