With the Baby, It All Became Too Much: Emotional First Aid for Dads

Friends, dads can struggle to adjust when a baby joins the family, too. A program in Germany called “Seelische Erste-Hilfe” (“Emotional First Aid”) is there for them. So far, there aren't many places for affected fathers to turn. Marcus del Monte has started one.

Mr. del Monte, you look after the mental health of expectant and brand-new fathers. What problems come up most often during this phase?

Many of the fathers who come to us aren't prepared for their new life as a family with a child. They'd love to run away. But their sense of morality won't let them, and neither will the expectations they assume others have of them. They don't know how to handle it.

These dads want to be the “perfect” father. They're supposed to “man up” in every way: as a family guy, as a provider, as a member of society, to name just a few of the new challenges. So some of them are completely overwhelmed.

They get so overwhelmed that they can't make sense of what's happening to them. Add the uncertainty about what's right and the expectations coming at them from all sides, and it eventually turns into fear.

Where does that come from?

Well, that's the key question, and fathers should be asking it themselves. First they need to look at whether their problems are a symptom or a cause. Once they face the cause, they can get to the “root of the problem.” But if they haven't worked that out for themselves, they stay stuck in that unresolved situation.

Picture a tube: there's no going back. But they don't quite dare to move forward with all the responsibility for a new life, because they lack awareness of where they are right now. So they're stuck. It's simply fear, combined with a deep uncertainty about what to do.

That can even lead to depressive moods, avoiding social contact, weight changes and sleeplessness, or guilt toward their own child. That's exactly when we want to help. We prepare fathers mentally and take away their fear by giving them tools so they can act again.

How did you first come to focus on fathers' adjustment difficulties and to offer emotional first aid?

I'd been approaching midwives about working together in connection with my psychotherapy practice, and several times they asked me whether they could send me the fathers, too. So I had a number of conversations and realized there was “something there.” It's an issue that shouldn't be underestimated, and fathers are pretty much left on their own with it.

So I started doing research and found that there's next to nothing on offer for this problem. Like I said, the affected fathers are left completely alone in their situation.

Have the challenges of becoming a father changed, or have men themselves changed, so that they now seek help when they notice they're hitting an emotional limit?

Yes and no. A process has begun, a shift in society, where men are allowed to show weakness too. Mental health struggles have become socially acceptable, and the shame that comes with them is slowly fading. Unfortunately, it still hasn't sunk in for everyone that each person affected has to contribute their own part to their well-being, their mental health, and their emotional balance.

As therapists, we can point out the route and walk alongside someone, but the people affected have to take the first steps themselves. That's sometimes hard work, and not always pleasant. Some people hit their limits, because it means stepping out of their comfort zone.

What are the main issues when you work with new fathers? What exactly overwhelms them? The relationship? The huge responsibility?

Like I said, it's fear, combined with feeling overwhelmed by the current situation. The fathers' lives aren't what they used to be, at least in certain parts and stretches. There's the part that's familiar, the part they believe they can control, and then there's “the new,” the unknown. That's where the guys are out of their depth. That's where the control is missing.

These fathers are facing a whole new chapter of their lives that they have little influence over, or so they believe. They're desperate, torn. As Goethe put it so beautifully, “Two souls, alas, dwell in my breast.”

The fathers are still stuck in their old lives and haven't fully arrived in their new ones. The situation is unsettling, and the control is gone. The real “catch” is that these fathers don't realize any of this. Most of them don't know what's happening in their lives right now or what it's doing to them.

And that's where we at EMOTIONAL FIRST AID come in. Our workshops start right there. We help participants become aware of what's changing in their lives and how they can deal with it.

You say shame is a big issue, too. How do moms or dads with prenatal or postpartum depression get past it? How do they overcome it so they can finally get help?

When someone feels shame, it always has something to do with feeling embarrassed. We're ashamed because we don't live up to the expectations and demands we assume are placed on us. We think we're “not enough.” As a rule, we really only fail at expectations: our own, other people's, and the ones we place on fate, the universe, God, or whatever it is we believe in.

Those unmet expectations lead to disappointment and then to frustration. We show that nobody in the world is responsible for meeting our expectations, and we're not here to meet anyone else's. So: if we have no expectations at all, nobody and nothing can be disappointed.

Then the question always comes up, “BUT what's the alternative to expectations?” and we have a tool ready for that, too, as preparation. Most participants then have an “AHA” moment, it clicks, and they have their bearings in life again.

Where can affected fathers in Germany turn? And how is this handled in other countries?

Unfortunately, we've found that in Germany there are few to no prevention programs in this area. That's why we got to work ourselves. Other countries are much further along.

You offer workshops called “Help, I'm Becoming a Dad.” Who signs up, and what's covered?

The workshop is designed for expectant and new fathers, but the topic is relevant for midwives and anyone involved in pregnancy, too. I should also mention that we offer one-on-one coaching for fathers online via Zoom. With one-on-one coaching, we can respond more individually to each father's personal situation.

The one-day workshop covers topics like self-care, mindfulness, and shifting your perspective. What are my limits, and how do I communicate them? The workshops take place at selected venues across Germany.

Can you tell us about the last moving moment you experienced while supporting a father?

There was this father, smart, successful at work, in a happy relationship. And yet, he told me: “I was scared at the thought of having to spend time with my son, to hold him and be with him. Every time he cried in my arms, I felt like he was telling me he hated me, that he rejected me. While my wife bonded with our child right away, I felt useless.

More than that, I felt unworthy of being part of his family. I felt guilty. Instead of joy, I felt emptiness; instead of closeness, there was distance. I withdrew, cried a lot, spent whole days in bed or threw myself into work until I was completely exhausted. I just couldn't cope, and yet I never thought about asking anyone for help, until the pain got so bad that I was practically screaming for it.”

What would you like to say to fathers as they go forward?

I'll go with Prince Hamlet, talking to his friend Horatio in Shakespeare's play: “The readiness is all.”