My Daughter Moved Out and I'm Honestly Thrilled

Hi, you guys. I recently got all wistful on Instagram because my youngest is about to turn 18, and I said the tears might start any minute. Helena wrote to us. Her daughter has already moved out, and her son still lives at home, but she says she just doesn't get those wistful tears. She's simply happy about her kids getting older and about having more room for herself. Here she tells us what that feels like.

Hey you, I recently had another emotional meltdown because all my kids are about to be 18. You wrote that not every mom feels that way…

Right, not every mom tears up. And moms who don't cry because their kid isn't a baby anymore or is turning 18 get told over and over, through generalizations like that, that something must be wrong with them. 

Generalizations are tricky in parenting anyway, so how do you feel about the idea of your child becoming an adult?

Growing up, I wrote to my 19-year-old daughter recently, is a funny thing. It doesn't really happen all at once. It's a quiet, creeping process. You notice it the way you notice the grass growing in the yard. Every day looks the same, and then one day you're standing there and you can't deny it. Your kid is an adult.

You say you're not very wistful. Does pride outweigh everything else? Or is there also a little "Woo-hoo, I made it through the whole hands-on mom thing"?

It's okay to feel wistful when a chapter ends. But that really isn't true for everyone, which is just as okay. For me, it just didn't hit at her 18th birthday. She was still in school then and living at home with us. It was only recently, almost a year after she moved out, that I really realized for the first time that her childhood is over.

It was a thought that flashed up in the middle of an ordinary moment. And it hit me that this chapter is closed. It was a strange feeling. I think amazement is my strongest emotion. There's a young woman, my daughter, and I walked next to her through her entire childhood. What a journey for both of us.

There are lots of other feelings too. Of course I'm proud of her. At the same time, I'd be lying if I said one less person in the house isn't a relief. But mostly, she's reached an age where living together as mom and child, or as a family, had gotten harder and harder. As a grown kid, you're often stuck in this odd double role, and the two sides can clash.

Which years with kids did you find especially hard, and why?

Looking back, I honestly can't say exactly which years were the hardest. Raising a child is always hard. I think for me the first four years are the most exhausting, even though they're also incredibly beautiful. But while the kids are that little, there's hardly any room for yourself. Later the challenges are just different. For me personally, though, things got easier once all my kids were old enough that I could have hobbies again and take some time for myself.

You were in favor of your daughter moving out early after high school, and the people around you sometimes reacted strongly… tell us about that.

We talked early on about my daughter moving out after school being the next logical step. It started with me telling her about my own life. I moved out after high school, and it hugely improved my relationship with my mom.

I told her how nice it is not to live at home anymore once you're an adult. At home, you get so much more of each other's lives. When you come and go. Who you're on the phone with, and so on. That automatically means a bit more control, and that's not something you tend to love from your parents.

My daughter's friends thought it was unusual, because their moms wanted their kids to move out later, not sooner. One mom even told my daughter that doing that would break any mother's heart. She told me about it, completely baffled. Other people also kept telling me I'd think differently once the time actually came. That never happened.

When she moved out, I helped. I was so happy she found such a great shared apartment with roommates at a good price. I got excited with her about the decor she bought for her room, and I cheered on the furnishings. It moved me to see what a lovely home she made for herself. It felt good to see how thoughtfully she did all of it.

What's your relationship with your kids like today?

I'd say my relationship with my kids is close. With my daughter it's especially close, because she's five years older than my second-born, so we share more topics. We also talk about things like relationships with men and experiences we've had.

Understandably, that level doesn't exist with my 14-year-old son. What we share instead is a love of food. We're both real foodies, and we love cooking or baking together.

Last year, my daughter came home before Christmas, and we baked an excessive number of cookie varieties and kind of egged each other on. And we love to travel. In January the two of us went to Bosnia. It was wonderful. We also talk a lot about society and politics. Fittingly, she's studying political science.

What are you looking forward to as more quiet returns to the house?

After my firstborn moved out, I joined a women's book club. That way, when I'm retired someday and all the kids are out of the house, I won't end up like my late parents, just sitting on the sofa in front of the TV. Since my youngest only starts middle school this summer, I still have at least nine more years of a school kid at home. Or just six if he wants to leave school after 10th grade, which is an option in Germany, but then there'd be an apprenticeship or something similar. 

Until then, I imagine expanding my hobbies. My husband and I love to travel, and doing that outside of school break season would be wonderful. Beyond that, I dream of more time for reading, hiking, baking, gardening. In my adult life, I've never once been bored. I usually have more ideas than time.

Oh, and one more thing: I definitely want to volunteer once I'm no longer doing so much caregiving. Right now I'm thinking about tutoring or reading mentoring for kids from disadvantaged families. But that's still a few years away, so the plans are pretty vague.