A Year Since She Moved Out: My College Daughter Looks Back

Hi, friends! It's almost been twelve months since Lisa's oldest daughter moved out. We asked her how things are going one year later, and how she's handling her new independence in a place of her own. Here's a mother-daughter interview between Lisa and her.

Sweetheart, you commuted to college from home for a whole year. How stressful was that for you?

I have to say, at first I thought it was totally fine, because I still loved living at home and I was willing to put up with the drive for that. But after about six months it got really stressful. I also hadn't really settled in at college yet, and I was just spending hours every day in the car. College is demanding anyway, and I realized I could be using those hours better.

Then you started thinking, pretty casually, about looking at apartments near campus. Do you remember how that got started?

I remember that at some point I downloaded ImmoScout (that's the big apartment-hunting app in Germany), but there was no urgency, no pressure yet. Then I teamed up with a friend who wanted out of her old shared apartment and couldn't find anything on her own. We were out together one evening and talked about it a little, then we messaged a few listings in the app and got lucky right away.

Were you worried beforehand about what it would be like to live with someone you're not related to and haven't known that long?

Honestly, I wasn't worried about her at all. I already liked her a lot. "We'll make it work," I thought. I was more worried about moving out in general and how it would go. What it would be like to live on my own, what the city would be like, how things would work with my boyfriend. The biggest problem at first was: What furniture do I need? What do I even need, period? Other than that, I was just really excited. I mean, I had a healthy respect for it, like, wow, without all of you, because I'd miss you. But I never felt like I couldn't do it.

Do you remember your first apartment viewing? Did you instantly think, oh, this is great, I could see myself here?

I wasn't even at the viewing 😉 My friend went alone because I was on vacation. I only saw photos. The apartment was still fully furnished then, so you couldn't really see the layout. The first time I was actually there was when we signed the lease, and I felt at home right away, with the wood floors, the small bathroom, and two bedrooms that are basically the same size, right near campus.

You were on vacation when you got the okay on the apartment. Do you remember your first gut feeling?

I think the first thing was that I was just really happy. In the days after we'd applied and didn't know yet whether we'd get it, I had a mix of feelings. Once we got the okay, it felt very rushed, and I couldn't sleep at all the first night. Even though I felt like it was the greatest stroke of luck that it worked out. Who gets an apartment right away these days?

You're someone who likes to push big steps out of your mind beforehand so you don't get too nervous, and then only jump into the adventure once it's really happening. Was it like that this time too?

Yes, totally. Beforehand I was really just excited, I hadn't actually processed it. The first shock came when I was supposed to sleep there alone for the first time and thought: What have I done?! After that, everything was fine. It was only that very first day when I thought: Oh, sh**.

What surprised you at the beginning?

Actually quite a lot, but also not that much. I knew you have to pay the mandatory TV and radio fee, but I didn't know how much money it is. I also wasn't really clear on how "warm" and "cold" rent work (that's base rent versus rent with utilities included). Or on primary versus secondary residence, and which one is better. There was a lot that was new, but I wasn't totally surprised, because I'd picked up a lot from my friends. The Wi-Fi was kind of annoying, but otherwise everything was totally fine.

How did you two agree on who got which room?

Secretly, I'd kind of been hoping from the start to get the room I ended up with, because it had a little more space next to the door, where my furniture fit better. But I asked my friend first which one she'd prefer, and she wanted the other one right away. There were no problems at all.

What was the first night in the new apartment like?

I still remember the first one. My boyfriend was there, and we'd accidentally packed only a tiny 35-inch air mattress because my bed wasn't there yet. So one of us slept on the air mattress and one on the floor. Not the coziest night.

How does everyday life work? When do you go grocery shopping, does each of you have your own stuff or do you share, do you cook together sometimes, how do you handle visitors, who does the dishes, what are the rules for overnight guests?

We don't have any rules at all. We've never made a cleaning schedule or laid down who's allowed to have whom over and when. It clicked from the start. We almost always eat together, and we often go grocery shopping together too. If one of us goes earlier, we text each other a picture so the other one doesn't buy the same thing again.

If we run out of dishwasher tabs, whoever goes shopping first buys them. As for cleaning, we mostly do it together, to procrastinate on schoolwork. When we're supposed to sit down and get to work, we often start cleaning instead 😉 We've never gotten into it with each other. In the morning we make our chia pudding with fruit, and then we see what we feel like doing.

When did you think: Wow, I'm really living on my own now, and I only see my family once in a while?

Honestly, only a few months ago. I didn't see you all that much during the week before either, when I was at college. It really sank in when my brothers said at some point, "Wow, she really did move out." I'm also home on weekends a lot, at least for a quick visit, because my part-time job is still in the area.

One year after moving out: How has your life changed, from country life to city life?

Honestly, I like city life way better. You just walk out the door, hop on the train, and you're downtown. You can be out every night and still somehow get home by public transportation. That's different from the countryside, where sometimes there's only one bus a day.

What does it feel like to come home on weekends?

I really like that I'm still home a lot and get to see you, my family, even though I often barely have time because I have to study, for example. And I have to say, my brothers have changed so much in this past year! They look older, and they structure their days really independently, with sports and friends and their microcar (one of those tiny cars teens can drive in Germany). They're so much more mature than when I moved out.

What tip would you give other college students who are living on their own or in a shared apartment for the first time?

First of all, I'd say: Definitely move out! It's the best chance to settle in at college and in the place. You meet people who make the start easier, and I'd say you shouldn't put any pressure on yourself. Give yourself time. It doesn't all have to be great right from the start, and it takes time to find your people, but when you're right there, you're also a lot more open.

And in the worst-case scenario, you could always move back home, and we're allowed to keep that in the back of our minds. Because thinking "This has to stay this way forever" can be stressful too. Personally, I love where I am now, and I'd like to do my master's degree here too. Unfortunately, there are so few spots in the program that it's unclear whether it'll work out, and then I might have to move on again.