When Your Teen Gets Caught Stealing: What Now?

Hi, friends. Lately, parents keep bringing up the topic of teens and stealing. In last week’s column, Katharina told us about an incident where her own child said no to peer pressure, while friends got caught shoplifting and the police were called.

We get messages like this one: “What do parents do when their kid really did get caught shoplifting? My 13-year-old is now banned from H&M for two years. Since she’s under 14, she can’t be held criminally responsible yet, at least here in Germany.”

Or: “We really do buy our kids everything they need, and still there’s somehow this urge to walk off with something. My son took a 3-euro trinket from a bargain bin, and of course it beeped at the door. Now he’s banned from NewYorker, a German clothing chain, for a year.”

I know of one dad whose 16-year-old once swiped a bottle of vodka from the supermarket. When he found out, he said: “Hey, it’s not the end of the world, but you’re going to own this. We’re taking the bottle back to the cashier together, and you’re giving it back.” Just working up the nerve for that probably (hopefully!) kept his son from doing it again.

Another message we received: “What about stealing? When a kid gets caught shoplifting, or steals money (or other things) from parents or even friends? Lying, too. Or skipping school. I have a feeling these topics are loaded with shame, and that the usual advice-column talk doesn’t get you very far.

“My daughter skipped school recently, for example. That was really hard for me. Especially with ADHD teens, any kind of risky behavior is unfortunately all too common, and sometimes I’m at a loss. Of course I want to get to the bottom of it and find out what’s behind it, and stay warm and open. At the same time, I’m angry and sad. And if it happens more than once, what consequences actually work?”

One mom wrote us: “I got caught stealing myself when I was 14. I had to go to one of those lecture classes, I think it was organized by the youth welfare office. And that’s where I met my first boyfriend. Also a shoplifter…”

First of all, to put everyone’s mind at ease: A one-time or very isolated incident of stealing in the teen years is less about crime than about experimenting, driven by a kind of childlike curiosity. Let’s see if this works. Let’s see what happens. The thrill. Testing a limit.

Teens and Stealing

There are lots of reasons teenagers steal: peer pressure, dares, pushing boundaries, wanting to look cool, getting attention, pressure to consume, because brand-name clothes would otherwise be out of reach. So it’s really more about social dynamics than criminal intent.

On top of that, almost all kids try stealing, or just pocketing something, at some point, and most of them still grow up to be honest adults. Knowing that can take a lot of pressure off, and above all some of the moral charge, which may help you stand by your child through something like this.

Feel free to tell your child about the time you swiped a pack of hair ties as a kid, how your mother noticed, and how the two of you drove back to the store together so you could return them with an apology. And how good it felt that she didn’t make you do it alone.

That she was clear that this had to be made right, but she didn’t leave you hanging. And that you were still so ashamed that it never happened again. Nobody’s asking for perfection. But making things right… that, yes.

And if you’re thinking: Ugh, I reacted completely differently when I found out my kid had stolen, then you can always do what Katharina did. She first forbade her child to hang out with the kid who stole, then realized she should really be celebrating her own child for not going along with it. You can simply admit that you may have overreacted.

Or that bans or punishments maybe weren’t the right tool. But that it’s still important to you to spell out the consequences: With a police record, you won’t be able to do every job you might dream of today.

Talks from a parent can help too, like: A small boutique has to close if too much gets stolen. “You wouldn’t want me to walk into your room and just take your PlayStation, would you…” (If something your child really loved ever gets stolen from them, by the way, that can also make them never do it themselves, because they know how infuriating it is.)

In Germany, from age 14 on there are criminal consequences. Before that, getting caught can mean the local youth welfare office gets notified. Or the store itself bans the child. Between 14 and 17, juvenile criminal law kicks in. For a single offense, the focus is often on education, and community service only comes into play when a teen gets caught repeatedly. In the most extreme case, there’s juvenile detention.

But when friends and family members are the ones being stolen from, it’s a different story. That’s less anonymous than swiping a cheap plastic thong off a clearance table, which of course isn’t okay either, but isn’t comparable.

That’s about more than dares. You’d really have to look at where the urge comes from, because the barrier to doing it is simply different (is there a drug addiction, and is this about stealing to pay for it? How are things otherwise with trust in the family or the circle of friends?).

Let’s sum up: In most isolated cases, stealing can be filed under “youthful mistake.” It should be made right, and then it’s done (probably for life). If we can manage it, we can stay relatively relaxed here. If it happens more often and slides into criminal territory, or if it involves friends or family, outside help can be a good idea (for example a family counseling center or the police advice service), to look for the causes so that a future doesn’t get ruined.

Does that help for now? Were you ever caught yourself as a teen? Or was your child ever involved in a stealing incident? How did you react?