I Was a Nightmare Teen. Now I'm Raising Two of My Own

Friends, it's so nice when people are honest. Our reader loves our Teen Time articles, not just because she has two teenagers, but because she wasn't exactly the easiest teen for her own parents, either! Here she shares honest insights into her own teen years and how things are going now with her teenagers.

You sweet thing, we have something in common. As kids, we both slammed a door so hard the glass shattered. How did that happen for you?

Between the ages of 13 and 17, I was basically in constant friction with my parents. Especially with my mom. I felt controlled, bossed around, and watched all the time (which maybe wasn't actually that extreme, but that's how it felt to me). So we fought every single day, and our whole way of communicating was one endless argument. I'd make a dramatic exit from those arguments, with screaming and door slamming, and one time it went wrong.

How did your parents react? With me, one parent was furious, and the other put me in the bathtub and comforted me (I wasn't a teenager yet, I was younger)…

My mom was livid, and I was completely shocked. My dad, the softie, just didn't say anything…

Your own teen years were wild. You also flung noodles at the wall. How old were you, and how did that come about?

I think I was about 14. I'd dyed my hair blue-black against my mom's wishes. The classic “as long as you live under my roof” speech ended with noodles on the wall. I've always been dramatic… unlike my younger sister, who has always been very well-behaved.

You also yelled at your mom that she was the s***tiest mom in the world. Was she hurt or angry, and were there apologies?

Oh yes. She was very hurt, she cried, and she kept her distance from me for two days. I felt sorry the second the words left my mouth, but I was too proud to admit it. After two days we fell into each other's arms in tears and told each other how much we love each other.

You also ran away from home once in the middle of the night, and your parents had to pick you up from a bus stop in the middle of nowhere. What did you talk about on the ride home?

My parents were first of all just relieved that nothing had happened to me. In the end, that was always their biggest worry. I was unpredictable at times, and I'd actually scared myself with what I'd done. My dad gave me a lecture, and my mom just held my hand. I bawled like a baby. We never had big punishments at our house, though.

How did you feel during that phase? Like you were in the right? Or did you sometimes think: Ugh…

Of course I was always in the right ;-). Sometimes I just lacked boundaries. And because my parents were very inconsistent, I went looking for some myself.

How does your mom talk about that phase today?

Today we can laugh about it, and she reminds me regularly whenever I'm having “stress” with my kids.

Right, and now you're a mom yourself with teenagers. Are they like you were back then?

I have a 17-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter. My kids are (just like me) very spirited and emotional. We're very close, and we have a tight relationship, but it goes to the other extreme, too. On top of that, my 15-year-old is extremely smart and completely takes us apart in an argument.

Give us an example.

When my daughter was 2, she said to me in the middle of a toddler tantrum: “I didn't even want to be born, and definitely not to you.” That still stings to this day, even though we laugh about it. When she was 6, she told me: “Mom, I'm like a pencil. I want to draw my life colorful and wild, and you're the sharpener I sharpen myself on.” That was her argument whenever we were having it out again.

My son is very sensitive and has a long fuse, but the sibling fights between the two of them? The fur flew and still flies. When it counts, though, they stick together, even against us parents.

Does your own story help you understand their rebelling better?

Oh yes, very much. I understand their feelings so well. The helplessness, the feeling of being lost, and wanting or needing to find yourself first. The feeling of being boxed in by society, of having to function. Just life as a teenager. You're a little lost.

Otherwise things are going great for you guys, right?

Yes, absolutely. My kids are total model students. They do well in school, they're socially skilled, they have lots of friends, and they're popular and successful in their hobbies. My son plays soccer at a very high level, like your boys. Because of the sport, he's completely responsible when it comes to alcohol, drugs, and so on.

He's absolutely reliable and always keeps to what we've agreed. Besides riding a shared horse, my daughter has several volunteer roles and tutors other kids. I know that sounds almost perfect. To balance it out, we have the emotional hurricanes at home. I'd say my son, at 17, is already through the worst of it. With my daughter, we're right in the middle of it.

What would you like to tell other parents of teens, to encourage them?

Let them try things and have their own experiences. I always tell myself that the brain learns by experiencing, not by being suppressed or just listening. Teens are allowed to make mistakes, because mistakes are the fertilizer for resilience. It strengthens their sense that they can make things happen. And it's important to understand that in this exciting and exhausting time, you go from “manager” to “consultant” or “coach.”

That hurts sometimes, but it helps. Pulling away from you becomes a required task for adolescents, even if it comes with drama and arguments. To sum up: Brace yourselves for a controlled loss of control. Don't take it personally. Trust. And be the safety net and the guardrails in your kids' lives.