Dear readers, it’s so lovely when people are honest. Our reader loves reading our Teen Time articles not only because she has two teenage children, but also because she herself wasn’t exactly the easiest teenager for her parents back in the day! Here she shares honest insights into her own adolescence and how things are going with her teenagers now.
Dear reader, we have something in common. We both slammed a door so hard when we were children that the glass in it shattered. How did that happen for you?
I was actually constantly at loggerheads with my parents between the ages of 13 and 17. Especially with my mum. I felt constantly controlled, patronised and watched over (which perhaps wasn’t actually that extreme, but that’s how I felt). So we argued every day; our communication was one endless discussion. And I’d dramatically withdraw from these discussions by shouting and slamming doors, and one time it just went wrong.
How did your parents react back then? In my case, one parent was angry, the other put me in the bath and comforted me (I wasn’t a teenager yet, just a little kid)…
My mum was absolutely furious, I was completely terrified. My dad, the good-natured one, just didn’t say a word…
Your own teenage years were wild. You also threw pasta at the wall – how old were you then and how did that happen?
I reckon I was about 14. I’d dyed my hair blue-black against my mum’s wishes. The classic ‘as long as you’re eating at my table’ spiel ended with the pasta on the wall. I’ve always been dramatic… Unlike my younger sister, who’s always been very well-behaved.
You also called your mum the worst mum in the world. Was she hurt or angry, and did you apologise?
Oh yes. She was very hurt and cried, and avoided me for two days. I felt sorry the moment I said it, but I was too proud to admit it. After two days, we lay in each other’s arms crying and told each other how much we loved one another.
You also ran away from home one night and your parents had to come and pick you up in the middle of nowhere at a bus stop; what did you talk about on the way back?
My parents were just glad that nothing had happened to me. Ultimately, that had always been their biggest worry. I was a bit unpredictable at times, and had actually frightened myself with what I’d done. My father gave me a telling-off, whilst my mother just held my hand. I cried my eyes out. But we never had any major punishments in our family.
How did you feel about yourself during that phase? That you were in the right? Or did you sometimes think: Blimey…
Of course I was always in the right ;-). Sometimes I just lacked boundaries. And because my parents were very inconsistent, I simply sought them out myself.
How does your mum talk about that phase today?
Today we can laugh about it, and she regularly reminds me of it when I’m having a ‘hard time’ with my children.
Exactly, now you’re a mum yourself and have teenagers. Are they similar to how you were back then?
I have a 17-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter. My kids are (just like me) very spirited and emotional. We’re very close, we have a tight bond, but it can also go to the other extreme. On top of that, my 15-year-old is extremely clever and completely takes us apart with her arguments.
Give us an example.
When my daughter was two, during a toddler tantrum, she said to me: “I didn’t want to be born at all, and certainly not by you.” That still sticks with me today, even though we laugh about it. When she was six, she said to me: “Mum, I’m like a crayon; I want to paint my life in bright, wild colours, and you’re the sharpener I use to sharpen myself”… as an argument whenever we had another row.
My son is very sensitive and has a long fuse, but the siblings have always had their squabbles – and still do. When it really matters, though, they stick together, even against us parents.
Does your own story help you to understand her rebelliousness better?
Oh yes, very much so. I understand her feelings so well. The helplessness, the feeling of being lost – and wanting or needing to find oneself first. Being trapped in society, having to function. Simply life as a teenager. You’re a bit lost.
Otherwise, things are going really well for you lot, aren’t they?
Yes, absolutely, my children are model pupils. They do well at school, have good social skills, have lots of friends, are popular and successful in their hobbies. Like your boys, my son plays football at a very high level. Thanks to sport, he’s totally responsible when it comes to alcohol, drugs and so on.
He’s absolutely reliable and always keeps his appointments. As well as sharing a horse, my daughter holds a few voluntary positions and gives private tuition. I know that sounds almost perfect. To balance it out, we have the emotional storms at home. I’d say my son, at 17, has already got through the worst of it. With my daughter, we’re right in the thick of it.
What encouraging words would you like to share with other parents of teenagers?
They’re allowed to try things out and make their own experiences. I always tell myself that the brain learns through experience, not through suppression or just listening. Teenagers are allowed to make mistakes, because mistakes are the fertiliser for resilience. It strengthens their self-efficacy. And it’s important to understand that during this exciting and exhausting time, you go from being a ‘manager’ to an ‘advisor’ or ‘coach’.
That can be painful at times, but it helps. Because establishing boundaries becomes a necessary task for adolescents, even if it involves drama and arguments. In summary: prepare yourselves for a controlled loss of control. Don’t take it personally. Trust. And be the safety net and the guardrails in your children’s lives.
