Big Kids, Big Worries: One Mom on Raising Three Daughters

Hi friends, a reader recently wrote to us in response to one of our Teen Time columns, the one about how bigger kids don't have to mean bigger worries. For her, though, they do. All three of her daughters come with their own challenges, and today she's sharing them with us.

Once kids are older, don't need round-the-clock care anymore, and can and want to do a lot without their parents, plenty of things get easier. And yes, when the kids are little, we often daydream about exactly that stage, because that's when we get to be freer and more independent again.

But back then I never gave a thought to the emotional strain and the challenges of the teen years. I had no idea what could be coming our way, or that a lot of things don't just run on their own.

But first, about my wonderful family. My husband and I have three daughters, ages 16, 14, and 10. I always wanted girls, and even though our youngest wasn't planned, we're so glad she's as strong-willed as she is and "sneaked" her way in.

I always knew girls can have a rougher time in the teen years than boys, but I only knew myself at that age, and I think I was pretty harmless 😉.

Looking back on the last five years, it's been a truly hard, emotionally draining, challenging stretch for me as a mom. All three of our daughters have their own struggles, and of course those weigh on me, too, and take up my emotional energy and my time.

Our biggest worry, though, is our oldest. A few years ago things got difficult: we kept clashing and fought a lot. We felt provoked, and her sisters had to take a good deal of these "moods" too.

At first we chalked it up to the start of puberty, but it got worse. She pushed us away and said so quite clearly. On top of that came emotionally painful events. For example, a friendship of many years fell apart (not on her end), which she suffered over a lot and which left her full of self-doubt.

Along with the self-doubt came regular sadness, and my gut told me this wasn't just the teen years anymore. It might be depressive moods, which our daughter, then 12, was struggling with.

After I then also discovered that she was hurting herself, I panicked at first. Thank God, I managed to get her talking and could lean on the good bond we generally have. We talked about how she felt and what we could do now.

She quizzed me about the meaning of life and what was even still beautiful about it!? I never used to think I'd have conversations like that, sitting across from my child, who in that moment found life only exhausting and hard. A kid her age, and honestly any kid, really shouldn't have worries like these.

We knew we needed help. But that's unfortunately not easy. And that's how some really hard years began, years when we often felt so helpless. In our experience, getting a spot with a therapist on short notice is practically impossible.

We spent years on waiting lists and were left to fend for ourselves at first. We did have initial consultations, but they led nowhere. I have no idea how it would have gone with an inpatient admission, but we didn't want that.

We wanted a psychotherapist on our side who would help her and us, strengthen her, and support her in turning her bad thoughts back into good ones (put simply).

Because unfortunately we noticed that she'd developed a poor image of herself and her life, didn't have strong self-confidence, and on top of that developed a kind of social phobia. Contact with strangers often became hard and stressful for her.

In the meantime, there was the option of counseling appointments through Caritas, a Catholic charity in Germany. We took it, though it can't be compared to regular therapy. Still, we were very grateful for it and used it for quite a long time.

But what if your child can't open up, can't talk about herself and her feelings? Then it gets hard, and watching that as a mom was almost unbearable for me. I saw that she needs help and she's suffering. And still she doesn't get the right help, and on top of that she gets in her own way!

She does have very good friends at her side, but she doesn't talk much with them about it either. She just handles a lot on her own. It was truly a roller coaster, and the mood of the entire family depended on how she was doing at the moment. And there were, and are, two sisters and the rest of us, too.

Right now we've just gotten a spot with a therapist. It's still brand new and she isn't really open to it, because she still has such a hard time talking about herself. I'm going along with her in the hope that she'll give it a chance and something will change for her. Fingers crossed for us!

Because time doesn't stand still with our other daughters either. Our middle daughter is really struggling in school and experiences a lot of frustration and failure, which she has to learn to live with. But she doesn't want to switch schools because of her friends.

There were also times before when she didn't really have friends and had sad experiences. That still gnaws at her self-worth today. And we don't even need to get into the outdated German school system. Based on what we've been through, I'm of course afraid she won't be able to cope. There are lots of conversations with teachers, and of course uncomfortable conversations with her, too.

Our youngest is still in elementary school. Because of her dyslexia and ADHD, that doesn't just run on its own either. Learning therapy, arguments over homework, and over and over, trying to motivate her and help her regulate.

Big Kids, Big Worries

And that's what I meant by "This isn't what I pictured." Now the kids are older, and I'm still very busy accompanying them and helping them get through life. Mostly, I'm busy worrying.

Because it's no longer about, "How do we spend a nice afternoon?" It's about so much more. It's about my kids' mental health and self-worth, and how they see themselves and their lives. I do all of it gladly and take it as it comes. My kids are wonderful and will surely find their way.

But I never thought this is what it would be like when the kids are "big." And that's why I sometimes have a hard time reading articles about "typical" teen issues, because in our family we're dealing with very different things.

Messy rooms, no desire to go to school, and too much time on social media are things we have at our house, too, but then there's so much more, so much deeper...