Dear all, a few months ago, Britta wrote to us saying: “Why does nobody ever talk about the process that leads up to a break-up? I’ve been tormenting myself for months – no, for years (!) – over my inability to decide whether to leave or stay. Actually, I know that our relationship isn’t making me happy.” When we published the article, there were lots of reactions because many of you could totally relate to how Britta was feeling. We’ve now asked Britta for an update, and it turns out she has indeed made a decision:
Dear Britta, in your last article, which appeared here in July 2025, you simply didn’t know whether you should break up or not. Looking back, can you tell us again what your biggest fears were at the time?
I think the biggest obstacle for me was the thought of hurting my partner. Because I simply can’t bear that. It also pained me incredibly to have to supposedly destroy the family ties, our familiar daily routine, and the whole structure of our lives. And ultimately, to take that stability away from myself as well. Time and again, there were also very idyllic and harmonious moments that held me back. I didn’t want any drama, I didn’t want to cause a huge rift. Although I knew deep down that it wouldn’t work without a break-up, I still looked for ways to somehow manage this balancing act.
So what’s the current situation?
About 3–4 weeks ago, we had a terrible row; I was very emotional, and suddenly it just burst out of me that I’ve actually wanted to break up for a long time and he won’t let me go. (We’ve really been skirting round this problem for years. I wasn’t clear or consistent, and he preferred not to know exactly where we stood and didn’t bring up the subject himself.) At first, he was deeply hurt by my harsh words. But in hindsight, it was a good thing because it was a turning point – since then, it’s really become clear to him how serious I am and how desperate I was.
Was there a specific moment when you realised: I don’t want this anymore! Or was it simply a long process?
Both. I’d had moments before when I’d had my doubts. Mostly that was after arguments, triggered by trivial things or misunderstandings. We’ve never managed to deal with such situations with the necessary maturity. I don’t want to blame everything on him now, but basically I didn’t feel respected. As soon as I have a different opinion to him, or bring up something I don’t like, or just want to give him some advice, we argue.
The more I insist and stand up for myself, the harder it gets. I’ve known for a long time that something fundamental is wrong; there’s no equality between us. And after working on it (through couples’ counselling, conversations, all sorts of strategies) didn’t change a thing, I knew: it’s no use anymore. It’s wearing me down. It’s draining MY energy.
But I was still torn for a very long time and withdrew into myself, shying away from speaking openly about my doubts and accepting the consequences.
Shortly before the argument, we’d been to a parenting counselling session because we were also struggling with a lot of conflicts with the children. After the argument, I went back there on my own and, whilst talking to the counsellor, it became clear to me just how much our destructive energy and communication was rubbing off on the children and that, for their sake, we needed to provide clarity. That wasn’t really surprising, but it reinforced my resolve to finally tackle the separation seriously and ‘like an adult’.
How did your husband take the decision?
The way the subject came up again hurt him deeply at first. But actually, it wasn’t entirely new to him, and after a few days we were able to talk things through properly. We then also went to see a couples counsellor and realised how many issues we’d buried deep inside that we’d never really sorted out. We’ve agreed that we want to work together to understand each other better. We don’t want to part on bad terms, so that we can continue to be a team.
How will you sort out the living situation?
For now, we’re trying to create some temporary distance and take turns with the children’s daily routine. I’ll be staying with a friend a few days a week; she has a spare room because her son is moving out.
And he’ll try to be away a lot when I’m at home. He can easily fit this in with his job, which also involves a lot of business travel. We’re looking for a small second flat to make the rota a bit more stable in the medium term. But we haven’t made any more concrete or long-term plans yet. It’s not easy at the moment because of the high rents.
We hope that the ‘nest model’ will work for us in some way, to make things as easy as possible for the children.
How are the children coping with the new situation?
They don’t know yet. Only once we’ve found a second home and can properly plan a separate daily routine for the children do we want to tell them that we’ve separated. Of course, they notice and sense a lot, and they’ve often witnessed arguments. That’s why we’ve already told them that we’ll always love them and, as parents, will always be there for them.
Sometimes they say themselves that things work better when I or Dad are at home with them on our own. Of course, they still find the idea very sad. But I think we’ll explain it to them as it is: that we believe that with more distance and clear ‘Mum’s days’ and ‘Dad’s days’, there will be fewer arguments and everyone will be better off. We also want to plan some family time together now and then.
Can you describe how you’ve been feeling since it became clear that you were separating?
I feel relieved. Sometimes sad and anxious too, but I finally feel like myself again. I’m also very grateful that we can (suddenly!) talk to each other so well and are still sticking together. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders because I’ve been trying to sort it out on my own all these years. At some point, after our second child, I lost the energy to address the problems, and that was the beginning of the end. I’m glad I’ve managed to do it now; this is the only way we can make things better.
We’ve received lots of messages from other women in the same situation as you in response to your article. What would you like to say to these women?
The only thing that helps is talking to each other. I’m the sort of person who doesn’t want to cause any trouble and tries to sort everything out on my own. That wasn’t helpful. So everything just built up and became really unpleasant. We need to take the plunge and find a way to have an open conversation. Voice our doubts. And: seek help. It helped us a lot to talk now and then to a professional who mediates, translates, keeps the focus and recognises the problematic dynamics amidst our emotional turmoil.
