After Years of Doubt, I Finally Told My Husband I Wanted Out

Hi friends, a few months ago Britta sent us this message: “Why does nobody ever talk about the process that comes before a breakup? I've been tormenting myself for months—no, for years (!)—because I can't decide between leaving and staying. Deep down, I know our relationship doesn't make me happy.” When we published her piece, we heard from so many of you, because so many of you knew exactly what Britta was going through. Now we've asked Britta for an update, and there actually is a decision:

Dear Britta, in the piece we ran in July 2025, you just couldn't tell whether you should separate or not. Looking back, can you tell us again what your biggest fears were back then?

I think the biggest thing holding me back was not wanting to hurt my partner. I just can't handle that well. It also hurt more than I can say to think about tearing apart our family ties, our familiar routine, everything that holds us together—or at least that's how it felt. And, in the end, about taking that support away from myself, too. There were also moments that were really idyllic and harmonious, and they kept pulling me back. I didn't want drama. I didn't want to cause some huge rupture. Deep down I knew it couldn't work without one, but I still kept looking for ways to somehow pull off this balancing act.

So where do things stand now?

About three or four weeks ago we had a terrible fight. I was very emotional, and suddenly it burst out of me that I'd actually wanted to separate for a long time and that he wasn't letting me go. (We've really been tiptoeing around this for years. I wasn't clear or consistent, and HE would rather not know the details, so he never brought it up himself.) At first he was deeply hurt by my harsh words. But looking back, it was a good thing, because it was a turning point. Since then, he truly understands how serious I am and how desperate I was. 

Was there one moment when you knew: I don't want this anymore? Or was it just a long process?

Both. I'd had moments of doubt before, mostly after fights set off by trivial things or misunderstandings. We've never managed to handle those situations with the maturity they called for. I don't want to put everything on him, but basically, I didn't feel respected. Whenever I have a different opinion than he does, or bring up something I don't like, or just want to offer him a piece of advice, we fight.

The more I insist and stand up for myself, the harder it gets. I've known for a long time that something fundamental is off, that we're not on equal footing. And when working on it (couples counseling, long talks, every strategy you can think of) didn't change anything, I knew it was pointless. It's breaking me. It comes at the cost of MY energy.

But for a very long time I was torn. I retreated into my shell and shied away from talking openly about my doubts and accepting the consequences.

Just before the fight, we'd gone to a family counselor, because the constant conflicts with the kids weigh on us, too. After the fight, I went back on my own, and talking with the counselor made me realize how much our destructive energy and the way we communicate rubs off on the kids, and that for their sake we owe them some clarity. That wasn't exactly a surprise, but it gave me one more push to finally deal with the separation seriously and like a “grown-up.”

How did your husband take the decision?

The way it came up this time hurt him badly at first. But honestly, it wasn't completely new to him, and after a few days we were able to really talk. Then we went to a couples counselor and realized how many issues are buried between us that we never really sorted out. We agree that we want to work on understanding each other better. We don't want to part on bad terms, so that we can stay a team.

How will you handle the living situation?

For now, we're trying to create some distance in a makeshift way and trade off the day-to-day with the kids. I'll sleep a few nights a week at a friend's house. She has a free room because her son is moving out.

And he'll try to be away a lot when I'm home. That works well with his job, which has him on the road a lot, and he can (or has to) take plenty of business trips. We're looking for a small second apartment to make the trading off a bit more stable in the medium term. But we haven't planned anything more concrete or long-term yet. With rents as high as they are right now, it isn't easy.

We're hoping that “bird nesting” (where the kids stay put in the family home and the parents take turns living there) will work for us somehow, so we can make this as easy as possible on the kids.

How are the kids doing with the new situation?

They don't know yet. Once we've found a second apartment and can really plan separate days with the kids, we want to tell them that we've separated. Of course they notice and sense a lot, and they've heard plenty of our fights. That's why we've already told them that we'll always love them and that we'll always be there for them as parents.

Sometimes they say themselves that things go better when it's just me or Dad at home with them. Of course, they still find the idea very sad. But I think we'll explain it to them just the way it is: we believe that with more distance and clear mom days and dad days, there will be less fighting and everyone will be better off. We also want to plan some family time together here and there.

Can you describe how you've felt since it became clear that you're separating?

I feel relieved. Sometimes sad and scared, too, but I can finally feel myself again. I'm also very grateful that we can (suddenly!) talk to each other so well and are still sticking together. A huge weight has come off my shoulders, because for all those years I tried to solve this alone. At some point, after our second child, I lost the energy to bring up problems, and that was the beginning of the end. I'm glad I've finally done it. It's the only way we can make anything better.

We got a lot of messages from other women in the same situation after your article. What would you like to tell them?

The only thing that helps is talking to each other. I'm wired in a way that makes me not want to cause problems, so I try to deal with everything inside my own head. That wasn't helpful. Everything just piled up and got really ugly. We have to push past our own comfort zone and find a way to have an open conversation. Say the doubts out loud. And get help. It helped us a lot to talk every now and then with a professional who mediates, translates, keeps us focused, and can spot the problematic dynamic in the emotional tangle we're in.