When Your Teen's Friends Come Over: Rules, Food, and Privacy

Friends, when your kids are little, it's hard to imagine what life with big kids will look like. I never would have guessed our twins would one day be out and about this much. For a long stretch they hardly brought anyone home, so there were almost no friends visiting, even though they were always around. See? Things change.

And when I look at how I see teenagers today, I'm right there with Inke Hummel, who says we get to stay fans of our kids. I'm also right there with Barbara Vorsamer, who says she likes teenagers. She's gotten into the habit of asking herself what the alternatives might be before she passes judgment:

Two hours at the gym or two hours of doomscrolling? Five hours on a manicure or five hours vaping in the park? Exercise is healthy and nail art is creative. She'd rather save her no's for the things that really matter, she writes on LinkedIn. Nora Imlau picks up these lines in her “Greetings From Bedtime Duty” (“Grüße aus der Einschlafbegleitung”) posts and takes them even further.

House Rules for Friends Who Visit?

She says she read about a mom who asks all of her kids' friends to put their phones in their backpacks when they're over. Nora finds that overstepping (for kids over 13) and says what she wants for her kids is a home that's a safe haven.

At their house, friends who visit get the Wi-Fi password, free run of all the food and drink, and above all, privacy. Whether the teens play video games, talk, or knit in the bedroom is simply none of her business (within all the guardrails and rules against violence and so on, of course).

And that got me thinking about families I hear about who deliberately wait until the friend has gone home so they can eat. Because the food is only for the family. Or families who call their own kid to dinner while the friends wait in the bedroom and get nothing.  

All Kids Welcome

At our house, with our big kids, everyone really does have access to everything. I'd rather skip dinner myself and grab a yogurt than have a guest go without. Then again, I grew up that way. In a house with an open door, where every snack in the drawers came out when company came. It was one giant act of sharing and welcoming. And that probably shapes you, right?!

Not long ago our boys were home for one evening on a weekend, and around 11:30 they came into the living room, where we were watching a show. They said they were having friends over after all, and our first question was: “Do you need the living room? Then we'll go upstairs.” And that's what we did. They weren't trying to shoo us away, but they thanked us big time. And us? We just needed a little nudge to finally go to bed. Win-win for everyone.

The Whole Family, Back Together

And I think that's also why we still took a trip as a family of five over Easter break. All three of our own kids came along, even though our oldest has already moved out. Because everyone's needs count. Unfortunately, college and school breaks only overlap at Christmas and Easter now, so we don't get many chances to travel together anymore. This time, it worked.

That one week was our first trip as a family of five since she moved out, and I don't want to get mushy, but I loved it so much. I got to feel that wonderful, calming feeling of being complete again, really intensely. It hit all of us how much we miss our oldest in everyday life. And how nice it is when the big kids come back, totally voluntarily. At least for a few days!

By the way, even on vacation the twins had a buddy visit for a night, on the spur of the moment, and our oldest had her boyfriend over at Easter. Now, of course, we want to know: How do you handle this in your families? How did you grow up, and what shaped you?