Dear all, We recently ran a poll in our Insta Stories to find out which of you regularly have date nights with your partner – spending evenings out together or perhaps even going away for a weekend together.
The vast majority said they don’t have regular dates as a couple, simply because childcare isn’t guaranteed. Svea wrote to us saying that she hasn’t been away overnight with her partner since the children were born – and that was 12 years ago. It makes her sad, as she explains here:
Dear Svea, why don’t you start by telling us who’s in your family and what your life is like.
Our family consists of my husband (44), our two daughters (9 and 12) and me (45). We live in a fairly large village with over 10,000 inhabitants, near two larger towns. The nearest small town isn’t far away either. So it’s all quite well connected and, despite the rural location, quite lively.
My husband works for a large company; I worked in the public sector until 2012. However, I left that employer for health reasons, amongst other things, and was then looking for a job again. After our wedding that same year, I fell pregnant quite quickly, so from then on I stayed at home and took on the role of housewife (I actually don’t like that term at all).
Our first daughter was born in autumn 2013 and our second in autumn 2016. In total, I was at home for almost ten years until, at the end of 2021, I found a part-time (50%) job as a clerk. I worked there for three years until I stopped working again, partly for family reasons.
So, since November 2024, my husband has been the sole breadwinner (again). That said, I’d like to go back to work and am currently looking for a suitable position. But I’m also a bit daunted by the prospect of having to juggle the dual demands of family and work again. Looking back, it was quite a challenge, especially as we don’t have any grandparents here to help out and are on our own. This also means I’m quite limited in my search for a new job when it comes to possible working hours.
How long have you been with your husband and what did you fall in love with back then?
My relationship with my husband has been going for over 18 years. So we’ve been together for over 18 years and married for 13.
The main reason I fell in love was because he was so completely different from the other men I’d met before. For example, the very next day after our first date, he got in touch by email to thank me for the lovely evening. No one had ever done that before. Usually, there were always those usual games of ‘only getting in touch after a few days’ and so on.
We also share the same sense of humour, and from the very start I felt very comfortable and secure with him. Just as I’d always hoped and imagined.
We’re talking about date nights – when was your last one?
Phew, well, the last time we actually had a date-NIGHT (meaning we didn’t sleep at home) was actually before the children came along. Since then, it’s been a date-EVENING at most. And I think that was over two years ago now. We went for a meal at a restaurant here in town.
Why isn’t that possible more often at the moment?
Unfortunately, it’s all a bit complicated when it comes to doing something just the two of us, because we don’t have any grandparents or other family here locally (it’s about a 1.5-hour drive). And other babysitters won’t take our children – especially our younger daughter.
Our daughters, especially the younger one, have always found it a bit difficult to be looked after by others. They were both reluctant to go to nursery too. It was always a real struggle, especially with the youngest, to take her there and leave her. She prefers to be at home and, ideally, with all the family members present.
Both do accept that my parents sometimes look after them so that my husband and I can go out for a meal. But as my parents don’t (can’t) visit very often, are now getting on a bit in age, and often just pop round for the day (without staying overnight), it’s not that easy to organise the ‘babysitting’.
For a long time, of course, the issue of “putting them to bed” was also an obstacle to a date night. But thankfully, we haven’t needed that for a few years now, so at least that hurdle has been cleared.
We can’t – and don’t want to – leave the children on their own in the evenings just yet. And even during the day, that’s not really possible yet. Neither of them wants to be home alone, or at least not for long. An hour or so is fine. But that doesn’t really help us much.
Do you go out separately in the evenings, or do you tend to spend your evenings at home?
Yes, we do go out separately – although even then our youngest daughter often has a problem with it if even just one of us isn’t there in the evening and the evening routine changes as a result. Especially when I go out in the evening, it’s often met with a big protest.
My husband meets up with a mate now and then to go to the cinema, the planetarium or just for a meal. But that’s not often, maybe 3–4 times a year. Once a month, he plays online games with two old school friends.
I also meet up with friends every now and then to go out for a meal. But that’s only about 4–5 times a year. Otherwise, we’re always at home in the evenings.
Do you then have time together at home in the evenings?
The time we have together in the evenings is now very short. By the time the children are in bed and asleep, it’s usually at least 10 pm at the weekend. And even during the week, it’s 9.30 pm by the time the kids have settled down completely. In the best-case scenario, the ground floor (living room, dining area and kitchen) is already tidied up by then, so we can at least sit straight down on the sofa.
Sometimes, however, we still have to prepare breakfast for the next morning and unload or load the dishwasher. When we do finally get to sit on the sofa in peace, we usually watch something on the TV. Usually a series or a documentary from a media library or a streaming service.
Unfortunately, though, it’s often the case that my husband has to do some work in the evenings during the week. I then sit alone in the living room, watch a series or read something, and eventually go to bed tired. Somehow I’ve got used to it, but it’s still not nice.
Does it bother you that you don’t have any evenings together as a couple? How does your partner feel about it?
Yes, it does bother me a lot, and increasingly so. It’s just a bit of a shame, and I’m a bit worried that at some point we’ll just be ‘living side by side’. We work well as a team and definitely still get on well. But the feeling of being not just parents, but also a couple, is fading more and more. There’s simply no time, or very little, for ‘romance’ (cuddling, holding each other, etc.) or even undisturbed conversations. That frustrates me more and more.
My husband doesn’t really worry about it that much. Perhaps men do actually see things a bit differently or worry less? At least, that’s what I hear from my female friends too.
If you could put together your dream date night – what would it look like?
Hmm, good question. At the moment, I’m actually dreaming more of a date weekend. Just two or even three days for my husband and me alone. So that we can reconnect as a couple. Ideally with an overnight stay in a lovely (spa) hotel. Surrounded by nature, with opportunities for walks, delicious food, etc.
Many people say: ‘Well, you’ll just have to pay for a babysitter, then it’ll work out’ – what do you think about that?
To me, that’s far too short-sighted. Of course, a babysitter can be a solution. But there are several factors that might argue against it. For one thing, the financial aspect certainly plays a role for many people. The costs incurred on top of potential expenses for food, the cinema, etc. should not be underestimated. If you have to pay €10 an hour and are then out for 3–4 hours, or possibly even longer, the additional costs involved are by no means insignificant. Especially at a time when everything is getting more expensive anyway and you have to pay a lot of money for leisure activities too.
Another point is that it’s not just our decision as a couple that we’d like to go out in the evening and spend time together. I think you should also take into account that children have their own needs and feelings. Not every child copes well with being looked after by strangers. And how relaxing is an evening together when you’ve left a crying child behind?
How would you describe how your relationship has changed since you became parents?
I’d say that, above all, intimacy doesn’t happen as often anymore – and can’t happen. On the one hand, because you’re constantly available for the children and they need your closeness, so you don’t need even more intimacy and just want to be on your own for a bit. On the other hand, though, it’s simply because there isn’t enough time or you’re just too tired in the evenings.
Another very significant change is that, since we’ve had children, we’ve started to argue with each other from time to time, or at least get grumpy. We never used to argue before. There simply wasn’t a reason. Now, however, there are situations every now and then where we snap at each other. I must admit, though, that it tends to come from me. On the one hand, this is often down to hormones and my cycle; on the other hand, it’s also because my nerves have simply become much frayed due to lack of sleep, children’s squabbles, the double burden of family and work, ‘mental load’, etc. I find this absolutely dreadful and would love things to be different again, but I suppose it’s just part of the deal.
All in all, it sometimes feels as though we’re just a parenting team now. The word ‘couple’ no longer fits 100%. And I find that thought terribly sad.
Realistically speaking, when do you think you’ll be able to go out together in the evening again?
To be honest, I don’t know. But I hope it’ll work out in two or three years. By then, the children will be at an age where we can safely leave them on their own for a couple of hours in the evening. But maybe life will surprise me and it’ll work out sooner. I’d certainly be delighted if it did.
