When Date Night Just Isn't an Option: Svea's Story

Hi, friends! We recently ran a poll in our Instagram Stories asking how many of you have regular date nights with your partner. That means evenings out as a couple, or maybe even a weekend away, just the two of you.

The vast majority said no, there are no regular dates, for the simple reason that there's nobody to watch the kids. Svea wrote to us that she and her husband haven't spent a single night away together since the kids were born. That's 12 years now. It makes her sad, and she tells us about it here:

Svea, tell us first who's in your family and what life looks like for you all.

Our family is my husband (44), our two daughters (9 and 12), and me (45). We live in a bigger village with over 10,000 residents, close to two larger cities. The nearest small town isn't far either. So we're pretty well connected, and even though we're in the country, it's fairly lively.

My husband works for a large company. Until 2012, I worked in a government job. I left that employer partly for health reasons and then went back to job hunting. We got married that same year, and I got pregnant pretty quickly, so from then on I was home and took on the role of housewife (I honestly can't stand that word).

Our first daughter was born in the fall of 2013 and our second in the fall of 2016. All told, I was home for almost ten years, until I found a part-time (50%) job as an administrative clerk at the end of 2021. I worked there for three years, and then I stopped working again, partly for family reasons.

Since November 2024, my husband has been the sole earner (again). I'd like to go back to work, though, and I'm looking for the right job right now. But I'm also a little dreading the double load of family and career all over again. Looking back, it was a real challenge, especially since we have no grandparents nearby as backup. We're on our own here. That also limits me quite a bit in my job search, because of the hours I can work.

How long have you been with your husband, and what did you fall for back then? 

Our relationship came of age at the end of 2025. It turned 18! So we've been together for over 18 years and married for 13.

I fell for him mostly because he was so different from the other men I'd met before. For example, the day after our first date, he emailed me to thank me for a lovely evening. Nobody had ever done that before. With everyone else, it was always the usual games, like "don't get in touch until a few days later," and so on.

We also share the same sense of humor, and from the very beginning, being with him felt so familiar and safe. Just the way I'd always wished and imagined it would.

We're here to talk about date nights. When was your last one?

Phew. Okay, a date NIGHT (meaning we didn't sleep at home) was actually before we had kids. Since then, the most we've had is a date EVENING. And I think even that was more than two years ago. We went out to dinner at a restaurant here in town.

Why isn't it possible more often right now?

Unfortunately, it's all a bit complicated when it comes to doing something as just the two of us, because we have no grandparents or other family nearby (they're about an hour and a half away by car). And other babysitters aren't accepted by our kids, especially our younger daughter.

Our daughters, the younger one especially, have always had a hard time with being cared for by people outside the family. Both of them went to preschool reluctantly, too. With our youngest, it was always a real battle to get her there and hand her over. She likes being at home best, and ideally with every member of the family there too.

Both of them do accept it when my parents watch them once in a while so my husband and I can go out to eat. But my parents don't visit often (or can't), they're getting older, and a lot of the time they only come for a day, without staying overnight. So it's not easy to arrange the "babysitting."

For a long time, the "someone has to stay with them until they fall asleep" routine was a roadblock for a date night, too. Thank God we haven't needed that for a few years now, so at least that obstacle is out of the way.

We can't leave the kids home alone in the evening yet, and we don't want to. Even during the day, it doesn't really work yet. Neither of them wants to be home alone, or at least not for long. An hour is okay. But that doesn't really get us anywhere.

Do you go out separately in the evenings, or do you mostly stay home?

Yes, we go out separately. Even then, though, our youngest daughter keeps struggling when even one of us isn't there in the evening and the routine changes. Especially when I'm the one going out, it often comes with a lot of protest.

My husband meets up with a buddy now and then for a movie, the planetarium, or just dinner. It's not often, maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Once a month, he plays video games online with two old school friends.

I also meet friends for dinner every now and then. That's only about 4 or 5 times a year, too. Other than that, we're always home in the evenings.

Do you at least have time for just the two of you at home in the evenings?

Our time together in the evening is very short these days. On weekends, it's usually at least 10 p.m. before the kids are in bed and asleep. Even on weeknights, it's 9 or 9:30 before it's completely quiet. On a good night, the downstairs (living room, dining area, and kitchen) is already tidied up by then, and we can at least sit right down on the couch.

Sometimes, though, breakfast for the next morning still has to be prepped and the dishwasher loaded or unloaded. When we finally do sit down on the couch in peace, we usually watch something on TV. Mostly a series or a documentary from a network's streaming library or a streaming service.

Unfortunately, it's also often the case that my husband has to do some more work on weeknights. Then I sit alone in the living room, watch a show or read something, and eventually go to bed tired. I'm kind of used to it by now, but it's still not great.

Does it weigh on you that you don't have evenings as a couple? How does your husband feel about it?

Yes, it weighs on me a lot, and more and more. It's just kind of sad, and I'm a little worried that at some point we'll just be "living side by side." We work well as a team, and we still have a good connection. But the feeling of being not only parents but also a couple is fading more and more. There's little or no time for "romance" (cuddling, hugging, etc.) or for uninterrupted conversations. That frustrates me more and more.

My husband doesn't think about it as much. Maybe men really do see it a bit differently, or maybe they just worry less? At least that's what I hear from my girlfriends, too.

If you could put together a dream date night, what would it look like?

Hmm, good question. Right now I actually dream more of a date weekend. Just two or even three days for my husband and me, alone. So we can see ourselves as a couple again. Ideally with an overnight stay in a lovely (spa) hotel. With lots of nature around, places to take a walk, good food, and so on.

A lot of people say, "Well, just pay for a babysitter, then it works." What do you say to that?

I think that's far too simple. Sure, a babysitter can be a solution. But there are several things that can speak against it. For one, the financial side is surely a factor for many people. The cost on top of whatever you'd spend on dinner, a movie, and so on is nothing to sneeze at. If you pay €10 an hour and you're gone for 3 or 4 hours, or maybe longer, that's a not-insignificant extra expense. Especially at a time when everything is getting more expensive anyway and you have to pay a lot for leisure activities, too.

Another point is that it's not only our decision as a couple that we'd like to go out in the evening and have time for the two of us. I think you also have to consider that kids have their own needs and feelings. Not every child is okay with being looked after by strangers. And how relaxing is an evening out as a couple when you've left a crying child behind?

How would you describe the way your relationship has changed since you became parents?

I'd say that, above all, closeness doesn't happen as often anymore, and can't. For one thing, you're constantly available to the kids and they need so much closeness that you don't want any more of it yourself and just want to be left alone for a bit. For another, there's simply no time, or you're just too tired in the evening.

Another really big change is that since we've had kids, we fight with each other now and then, or at least we're cranky. Before, we never fought. There was simply no reason to. By now, there are situations here and there where we snap at each other. I have to admit it mostly starts with me. Partly it's often hormones and my cycle, and partly it's because my nerves have gotten a lot thinner from lack of sleep, the kids bickering, juggling family and work, the "mental load," and so on. I find it awful and I'd love for things to be different, but I guess it just comes with the territory.

Bottom line, sometimes it feels like we're only a parenting team now. The word couple doesn't fit 100% anymore. And I find that thought terribly sad.

Realistically, when do you think you'll be able to go out as a couple again? 

Honestly, I don't know. But I hope it'll work in two to three years. By then, the kids will be old enough that we can safely leave them alone for a few hours in the evening. But maybe life will surprise me and it'll work out sooner. I'd definitely be happy about that.