A Mom and Her Teen on Why School Feels Pointless

Hi friends, our interview with Silke Müller, “We Need an Education Revolution,” got a lot of love from you. Stefanie, 45, wrote to us too. She said that what Silke Müller described could have come straight out of the mouth of her daughter Emma, almost 14, who is close to school refusal. Of course we wanted to hear more, and both of them, mom and daughter, were willing to talk to us about it.

Emma, you're almost 14 and a lot about school bugs you. What bugs you the most?

Emma: I think school starts too early in the day. In the morning, we're all just way too tired at our age. The school day is also too long. We're out of the house as many hours as adults work in a full workweek. And then we're supposed to do homework, work on projects, or study on top of that.

Adults don't have to do that. People would call it a toxic work environment. But for us kids, it's supposed to be totally normal. I also find class really boring. Most of the time it has nothing to do with our real lives. School doesn't prepare me for real life. When I dig into topics online on my own (without AI), I learn more, and faster, than I do in school.

What would your dream school look like?

Emma: I'd want younger teachers, closer to us in age, who understand us better. I don't want to be stuck in a classroom all day. I need freedom, including freedom to move around, so I can learn in a way that fits me. It would help to have different, nicer, cozier rooms, quiet zones (it's often too loud in class), and fewer students per class in general. I'd like more variety in the schedule and the classes, and the days should be shorter and start later so I can actually show up well rested.

I also think projects and learning that prepares you for real life would help. That includes being prepared for adult life (like being able to sign a contract and things like that) and getting a better look at real work situations by shadowing people at actual workplaces, not just doing one internship in ninth grade. I'd also rather decide for myself when to take a break, because I'm the one who knows best when I need one.

The daily routine at school is just too rigid for me. There also aren't enough people at school students can go to and who walk alongside them, like coaches, social workers, and psychologists. Maybe even people you could reach outside of school hours.

Stefanie, you say your daughter is close to school refusal because it all feels so disconnected from real life. How well can you relate to that?

Stefanie: I can definitely understand it, especially because ADHD is part of Emma's school experience, too. So school is disconnected from real life for one thing, because it has little or nothing to do with what teenagers are actually dealing with today, or it doesn't prepare them well enough for life after school. And then it's doubly true for Emma, because she's expected to function in a standardized system that has no room and no capacity for kids who don't fit the norm exactly.

Just recently she said to me, “I'd rather go to work and earn money.” That tells you a lot about how much meaning she's getting out of school right now. With a job, you can mostly choose where you work, you have a say in how things are done, and you get paid for what you do. She doesn't experience any of that in school, not directly and not in a figurative sense either.

What worries you most about your daughter's path through school?

I just really hope we can still untangle this. School isn't always fun, and learning isn't always easy. But when something that takes up so much of your daily life and your time is a constant struggle or full of frustration, it sucks the motivation right out of you. Getting through it (the years of mandatory schooling) takes a lot of strength from Emma right now. And for us as her parents, supporting her through this takes a lot of energy and sensitivity: talking with teachers and other professionals, finding solutions or temporary arrangements.

At the end of the day, perfect grades or a flawless Abitur (Germany's university-entrance diploma) aren't what count for us. We want Emma to be able to earn a diploma that paves the way toward where she wants to go. But we also want her to have a learning path that is fulfilling (one that pushes and challenges her in a good way), not one that's just rocky and bumpy.

How do you remember your own school years, and what has changed since then (and what hasn't)?

I remember my own school years as not very dramatic, with the normal challenges that come with growing up. Even back then, we were less focused on the material and more on our own stuff. The share of teachers
or classes that I remember fondly is small.

That said, I come from a time when having to function, and everyone doing everything the same way together, was the standard program. And unfortunately, those templates are still being applied to individual kids way too broadly today. Of course it takes effort to look at what each person needs to do well in an “education machine.” But that's exactly what it
still has to be about.

School is where people are trained to become capable, independent members of society. But we're all different, so alongside instruction and knowledge, there has to be a focus on personality and good support in that area, too. Things are moving, and some have already developed in hopeful directions. Unfortunately, when you look at how schools and teachers actually work, those are still the exceptions.

Emma, are there teachers who are different? Who push you, believe in you, and help you get ready for real life?

Emma: Yes, a lot really depends on the teacher. Unfortunately, there are too few teachers like that overall, and even then it's only a few moments that feel that way. Teachers never feel like people I can really go to. They often talk about respect and say they're our teachers. At the same time, we're supposed to come to them with problems, but the distance is just way too big.

How do your friends see all of this?

Emma: Most of my friends feel pretty similar, but they're mostly just annoyed or bored by school, and they still get by okay. For me, it's drastically different, because I have ADHD too, and that makes school hard in a different way.

What would the two of you like to tell politicians and everyone working on education?

The people in charge really need to engage with the real lives and challenges of young people. Here, too, there's a much bigger gap than there should be between the people making the decisions and the people who are affected by education policy in real life. Decision-makers and those affected need to be able to talk directly with each other.

Our world is changing so fast, and if we want to prepare future generations to stand up to that, we have to listen to them and ask what they need, not just to barely survive, but to live fulfilled lives with joy. That very much includes school.