Dear all, our reader Sarah’s son is 15 and going through a rough patch with puberty. She hardly recognises the boy he used to be. Everything seems to be spiralling downwards at the moment, which can be worrying for a mother. Who here recognises their own teenage child in this?
Dear Sarah, you say your son is 15 and right in the thick of puberty. How is this manifesting itself at the moment?
He’s 15. As for personal hygiene: perfume – preferably expensive – replaces every shower. Social behaviour: “I talk to my mates, that’s enough, isn’t it?” Daylight only on the way to and from school. Homework: „I don“t have any“ (spoiler: the teachers see it differently). Sport: „I did say I wanted to go to the gym, but it“s enough that you“ve sorted out the contract now“. That“s more or less how it goes here. I hardly recognise him anymore, but his standard response is simply: it’s puberty.
Was there also a phase where he simply barricaded himself in his room?
Yes, it’s been like that for over a year now and it’s still going on. He only comes out when he’s hungry (and he often is :-))
How did you feel about it, and how do you feel now? Do you feel somehow left out or excluded?
It is difficult at times. Also given the fact that I’ve been living alone with the children for a good two years now and would simply like to have a cosy family breakfast now and then, especially at the weekend when both children are with me – just like in the old days.
What was your son like when he was little? What do you sometimes miss about that?
When he was little, he was almost always the quiet one who rarely came out of his shell; that’s actually still the case today. But doing things together – that’s what’s missing.
What disrespectful behaviour has bothered you the most recently?
That’s a difficult topic. We keep butting heads over the computer. He sits down at it straight after school and stays there until the router is switched off in the evening. If I tell him to cut it out, or else I’ll cut off his power too, he just says: ‘That’s my computer, you’re not allowed to do anything with it.’ He doesn’t understand why I have to set limits for him and takes it all completely personally. And once he’s shut himself off, I can’t get through to him anymore.
When he’s going through such a difficult phase of puberty, is he mean to his little sister too?
Actually, that’s not a problem. The only thing that bothers me is that my daughter has ADHD and he’s always harping on about why I have to let her get away with this or that.
When you look at his motivation for school, what does that make you feel?
Alarm! He’s gone off the rails over the last twelve months. We had a parents’ meeting at school yesterday; he actually wanted to take his A-levels. As things stand, he wouldn’t make the transition to Year 11. But I have a feeling that this joint meeting with the teachers and me might have opened his eyes. We’ll have to wait and see.
Do you argue openly with each other, or is there a lot of silence between you at the moment?
We argue almost daily about the usual things: clothes are strewn about the room, food and leftovers as well as washing-up pile up, school things are all over the floor, and you wouldn’t be able to tell the actual wood colour of the furniture if I didn’t dust every now and then. Otherwise, he doesn’t really talk about himself much, unfortunately.
How do you talk to him about drinking?
We can actually talk about it very openly; he doesn’t have any ambitions, at least not yet, to become a drinker. He’s allowed to take a sip of my drink now and then, but that’s always enough for him.
Has he ever been in love? Does he share anything with you about that, or does it all stay in the car and you can only hope he’s doing well?
I don’t get any information on that at all, but I don’t think there’s anything there yet 🙂
Do you have other people with whom you can have an honest chat about how the whole situation is affecting you as a family right now?
Yes, I’m currently in therapy for other reasons, so I can bring this up there too, and I have friends I can talk to about it.
What do you wish for him and for yourself?
I hope for both of us that we – ideally together – get through this challenging time and that he later realises that I never gave up on him <3
