Teen Time: No, You Can't Have Everything Just by Wanting It

Hi, friends. I've never warmed to the saying "You can achieve anything if you just want it badly enough." When it comes to family planning, I actually find it deeply hurtful.

Plenty of women want to be moms, want it as badly as a person possibly can, and biology still throws a wrench in the plan. Or there's no partner. Or they long for another child and it just doesn't happen, or whatever the reason may be. You know what I mean. Not everything can be achieved through hard work.

And no, if you're starting out today in a perfectly normal job and you haven't come into family money, you'll have a hard time affording a house of your own on your own income, no matter how badly you want it. It just doesn't add up anymore. So we can all happily smash those Instagram-quote mugs that say "You can achieve anything" against a wall.

Let's Stay Realistic

You know me as an optimist, I know. I don't mean any of this pessimistically, and I don't want to spread fear about the future. Quite the opposite. I mean it REALISTICALLY. Our kids compare themselves to others. They compare themselves to so, so, SO many more people than we did at their age, because they have the internet. They're on social media. And what they see there can put them under pressure fast.

The message goes something like this: You can lose 33 pounds in a week with ten minutes of wall Pilates a day. You can just get flown to Dubai as an influencer. And if you want it really, really, REALLY badly, you can even look like Daisy Duck, as long as you can shell out tens of thousands for lip filler. Phew. (And yes, I'm sure the wall Pilates ad only shows up for me because I'm over 40, but there's a version of it for every younger audience, too.) And what if you don't make it? Did you just not want it badly enough?

One of our sons has had a very specific career dream for as long as I can remember, and he's seriously thinking about not going after it because he's convinced you can't make enough money doing it. The other one was asked yesterday at his internship what connection he had to the field, because apparently you only get in through who you know. Does that sound like "You can achieve anything you wish for if you just try hard enough"?

You Can Achieve Anything?

To me, this "you can achieve anything" line mostly creates PRESSURE. Because the flip side is that if we don't fulfill every dream of our lives, we must be doing something wrong. We must not be trying hard enough. And yes, of course a lot is in our hands, but not everything.

Sometimes we need a little luck. Sometimes privilege speeds up a career (sadly, often!). Sometimes the sport someone picked is simply too expensive for their parents. And sometimes happiness may be waiting along the way, not at the finish line.

And yes, of course we can work hard. That still doesn't mean everything works out. Haven't we all bombed a math test even though we studied? Haven't we all lost a tournament even though we were the better player? It's up to us to celebrate the journey and recognize the effort, not the result. And that's something we can pass on to our kids:

We can try anything in life, but that doesn't mean everything will work out or go the way we pictured it. We don't have to throw in the towel over that. We can look at how to deal with what we're left with.

Life surprises us sometimes. And not pursuing a job because it pays "too little"? Nope, as a mom, I push back on that and say: If it's your passion, you'll get so good at it that other sources of income may open up.

I like to use the example of a midwife. She certainly doesn't earn "well" in the usual sense (especially not with the staggering cost of liability insurance). But maybe she can write a book about the work she's so passionate about, or develop online courses, or come up with whatever other side income fits.

So yes, maybe we can achieve a lot if we want to. But not everything, and above all not under the pressure and the promise that it's always possible in every area of life. We can try, though, and see what highs and lows we run into… and then file them away as experience. Or how do you see it? I'd love to hear what you think.