Dear all, when you have young children, it’s hard to imagine what life will be like with older ones. Take our twins, for example – for a long time, I never thought they’d be out and about so much. They actually went through a phase where they hardly ever brought anyone home, so there were hardly any children visiting, even though they were always there. That’s how things can change.
And when I look at how I view teenagers today, I wholeheartedly agree with Inke Hummel, who says that we can remain fans of our children. I also wholeheartedly agree with Barbara Vorsamer, who says that she likes teenagers. And that she has got into the habit of considering what the alternatives might be before passing judgement:
Would you rather have two hours of gym or two hours of doomscrolling? Would you rather have five hours of manicures or five hours of vaping in the park? Sport is healthy and nail art is creative. She prefers to save her ‘no’s’ for the important issues, she writes on LinkedIn. Nora Imlau also picks up on these points in her “Greetings from bedtime” and takes it a step further.
Rules for visiting children?
She recounts reading about a mother who asks all her children’s visitors to put their mobile phones away in their rucksacks when they are guests. Nora finds this intrusive (for those over 13) and says that she wants her home to be a safe haven for her children.
Visiting children are given the Wi-Fi password at her home, free access to all food and drink, and, above all, privacy. Whether the teenagers then play games, chat or do crafts in the teenagers’ room is simply none of her business (provided there are clear boundaries and rules against violence, etc., of course).
And it made me think of families I’ve heard of who deliberately wait until the visiting child has left before they can eat. Because the meal is only for the family. Or families who call their own child to dinner whilst the visiting children have to wait in their room and get nothing.
All children welcome
In our house, with our older children, everyone really does have access to everything. I’d rather go without dinner myself and have a yoghurt than have our visitors go without. I grew up that way myself, though. In a house with an open-door policy. Where all the snacks were taken out of the drawers when visitors came. It was all about sharing and making people feel welcome. And that probably shapes you, doesn’t it?!
The other day, our lads were home for one evening over the weekend and around half past eleven they came into the living room where we were watching a series. They said they were having visitors after all, and our first question was: “Do you need the living room? Then we’ll go upstairs”. And that’s exactly what we did. They didn’t want to chase us away, but they thanked us profusely. And us? We just needed a nudge to finally go to bed anyway. A win-win for everyone.
Reunited family
And I think that’s why we ended up going away as a family of five again during the Easter holidays. With all three of our own children in tow, even though our eldest has already moved out. Because everyone’s needs matter. Unfortunately, university and school holidays only overlap at Christmas and Easter these days, so we don’t have that many opportunities to go away together anymore. But this time, we managed it again.
And this past week was our first holiday as a family of five again since she moved out, and I don’t want to sound corny, but I really enjoyed it because I was able to feel that wonderful, comforting sense of completeness so intensely once more. It really brought home to all of us just how much we miss our eldest in our day-to-day lives. And how lovely it is when the older ones – entirely of their own accord – do come back again. At least for a few days!
By the way, even whilst on holiday, the twins had a friend stay over spontaneously for one night, and our eldest had her boyfriend over at Easter. So now we’re naturally curious: how do you handle this in your families? How did you grow up yourselves, and what shaped you back then?
