Dear ones, I would like to warn you. I want to warn you about warnings of any kind. Before the birth they say: „Go to sleep, you’ll only be awake afterwards“. They say „Wait until the child can walk“, „Wait until it’s two, then comes the „terrible two“, the defiant phase“, which is now called autonomy phase. „Wait until the child is in the wobbly-tooth puberty phase, until it becomes REALLY pubescent – and oh God, that’s much worse for girls than for boys“ (or vice versa!).
Warnings for the wedding too?
Imagine if we gave all these warnings about a wedding, what would people say? „Take another good look at him now, soon he’ll be flopping away on the couch with his mouth open, burping and fondling his fat marital belly“?! Is that what we want to hear?
Do we want to live in a world like that? Who benefits if we look to the future with such a sceptical view, can’t we just be hopeful that everything will be okay? Won’t we then also convey a more positive attitude? I don’t know how often mothers tell me in amazement that puberty with their children has been totally harmless so far. Why should they be surprised?
Because we are told how difficult it all is. And then we are surprised when everything is fine and don’t really trust it. But puberty can be totally calm! Just like pregnancy is totally fine for some people and others have to break all the time.
More optimism for the future
General warnings certainly don’t help, they only make the happy cases of uncomplicatedness even smaller… And then these sentences: „If you don’t pay attention to this or that, you’ll never catch it again. YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION“. That creates one thing above all: the fear of destroying or breaking something irretrievably.
And yet we need motivation! It doesn’t matter from whom, from a friend, a fellow mother, a nursery teacher, a partner, a neighbour… We need to be told that we can be very clear, because everything else will fall into place as long as we stay in a relationship, as long as we maintain a relationship of trust with each other.Show a clear attitude
Funnily enough, I’ve just realised this in my dealings with horses. There are also people in the stable who tend to take a needs-orientated approach. People who educate by punishing (not in our stable, but back then I often noticed this) and those who simply rely on signalling clarity to the animal:
„You can do THAT“. There’s praise for that. „You can’t do THAT, we’ll try that again better now“. When animals know where they stand, they feel safe. It’s no different for humans. If there are always threats swirling around us, we no longer feel safe and wobble. The creatures around us notice this. They sense it. And may even exploit any gaps.
Transporting rock-solid conviction
That’s why it’s all about our own attitude. Our rock-solid conviction. Then we can not only withstand the odd tantrum. But also threats of any kind. Because we can have the self-confidence to be clear. To be a bench. That others can rub up against without it tipping over because we know what we want and what we stand for.
A „No, there are no punishments with me“ to more authoritarian people, for example. A „No, you don’t just gallop off now“ to the horse. And a „I know you want to go, but we’ll stop at the red light“ to the child. If this comes from full conviction, then we also convey this and are taken seriously. Or what do you think?
