Dear ones, when our children were at the height of their sibling squabbles, we parents also had discussions about different parenting styles. Recently, however, I received the following question from a reader on Instagram in response to a photo of a couch completely covered in clothes:
„Hi Lisa, do you have any disagreements with your husband on this topic and others concerning certain behaviours of adolescents? I’d be really interested to know, it feels like we clash every day. I am also rather easy-going… I would be happy to receive an answer or perhaps a question for the community. Thank you very much and best regards.“
Different parenting styles: how to deal with them
I thought about it for a moment and realised: no, apart from when it comes to media consumption, where Dad would like to see a lot less from the kids – and also talks about it – we’re relatively similar at the moment and are rather surprised at how little we have to interfere in our children’s lives.
We were both allowed to do quite a lot in our own youth, maybe that’s why. And we both tend to think: Is it really worth the argument now if it’s not even about life-threatening things? As long as the child feels comfortable with the mess (and then tidies up when important visitors arrive), everything is fine. You can do it.
So I asked the reader. She wrote: „The big one just lives in chaos and dresses the way everyone is dressing at the moment and has an alpaca hairstyle. It doesn’t bother me at all, apart from the fact that he has to put away leftover food and that I tell him to at least clean up once in a while. But when it comes to his hairstyle or clothes, I always think to myself that he has to walk around like that and not me.
My husband, on the other hand, thinks it’s impossible for him to walk around like that and they constantly clash. The conflicts between the two of them put a huge strain on my mum’s heart and it’s not particularly good for the relationship. My husband thinks I should support him. But I don’t represent an opinion that I don’t have.“
Difficult, isn’t it! And at the same time, it’s certainly a situation we’re all familiar with. Because even if there are fewer discussions at the moment, that doesn’t mean there never were any. There were times when we really thought that some of our children simply didn’t know the value of things and we had a proper discussion about the right way to deal with them. Stay in relationship and understanding, let them feel the consequences.
In the end, however, I have to admit that I often thought, as I was spending more time at home due to my independence: Well, I have to be able to live with it, I spend most of my time with them. I’m not going to enforce any rules that I can’t stand behind.
And of course, for the other person it certainly feels like falling on their back when a child wipes their chocolate fingers on their favourite white couch or spills their apple spritzer on it. And oh, ah, it’s still an issue that is important to us in different ways – the couch 😉 But everyone in the family now knows that (maybe you have some good tips for washing upholstery? THAT would be a nice surprise for him).
What I want to say is that if the parents are basically in agreement as a whole, it’s of course easier than if there are irreconcilable differences. It’s not so easy to predict when there are no children yet. But it’s certainly good to take a look at how things went in your own childhood.
For example, we both had parents who trusted us a lot and let us do a lot. That’s a great foundation for a childhood. And you want to pass that on together. Where do you agree and where do you disagree? And how do you resolve such conflicts?
