Cool Mom, or Just Naive? Teen Freedom Without Curfews

Hi, lovelies, it's a thin line sometimes: Am I a relaxed, cool mom, or a naive, clueless one? Do you ever ask yourselves that, living with your teenagers? What can I allow, what should I forbid, where do they need limits, where do they need freedom, how do I get this right? And: Will I regret my decision later?

We asked you on Instagram what's on your mind most right now with your teenage kids, and quite a few of you wanted to know how we handle going out in the evening. Whether there are set times the kids have to be home on weekends, or set hours for how late they can stay out.

I remember that I could never hang out with one of my friends on Sundays, because that was her "family day" and she had to go for a walk with her parents (and yes, it felt like a chore).

Back then I often thought it was a shame, because I really wanted to hang out with her. We just didn't do anything like that at my house. There was no set bedtime, no set time we had to be home, no day reserved just for family. And that's how I handle it with my own kids today.

Of course, there are legal rules. In Germany, many clubs these days – for example the Bootshaus in Cologne – also host "16 and up" parties. Everyone under 18 hands over their ID at the door and has to pick it up again at midnight to go home. They can't stay out any longer than that.

My own parents never had to meet my friends' parents before I could sleep over there. We had a lot of freedom and trust in our house. And that's exactly how we do it with our kids, too. During the school year, our rule is that sleepovers are only on weekends, not in the middle of the week when they have to get up early the next day.

Katharina said on the phone the other day that she admires how cool I stay about all this, and that she – whose kids are still younger – couldn't do it as well. And that's even though, tellingly, she also had lots of freedom as a teen, and she says she sometimes spent a whole weekend at the homes of people her parents had never heard of.

Cool mom who allows a lot, or naive and wide-eyed?

One reader wrote to us that her daughter wants to take the train with two friends to a city more than a hundred miles away to meet other girls they only know from online. She's totally proud that the girls trust themselves to do it, and she's happy about their independence, but at the same time she wondered: Am I a super cool mom for allowing something like this, or am I just naive and clueless?

And don't we always live in exactly this tug-of-war with teenagers? Of course, a ton of our own life experience plays into it, too. If I've just heard from a friend that her daughter was touched inappropriately against her will at a sleepover, I'm certainly going to have more fears as a mom than if everything had always gone well.

I personally have a hard time letting my kids ride on motorcycles with very young, inexperienced people. Simply because as a teenager I once ended up in the bushes myself, as a passenger on a moped.

And on the other hand, my parents let me write to the German school in Bogotá back then and look for a host family on the bulletin board, and then I just flew there for six months. With no vetting by any organization. That, in turn, I don't think I'd have the nerve to do with my own kids 😉 But a weekend somewhere else or a trip with the group of friends – why not.

And of course, back when the kids first hit their teens and spent most of their time lying around in their rooms, I wondered what they were up to behind closed doors. Are they getting radicalized? Are they watching violent videos? Pornographic, abusive stuff? And today, now that they're out so much, evenings too: Who are they running into? Which dares are trendy right now? Will they make it home in one piece?

But what's the alternative? They have to live their lives, they're supposed to gather experience, and we can't protect them from every horror. Basically, all we can do is hope and count on luck that nothing happens to them in their teenage recklessness.

We can tell them never to leave anyone alone, and that they can call us anytime if something feels off. We can tell them about cases where things didn't go well, so we can talk through how they would have handled it. But we can't forbid them from living.

And no, we don't have set family days, set bedtimes, or curfews. We talk it all through individually, based on what each kid needs. But when their aunt, who has Down syndrome, recently celebrated her 38th birthday, all three of them suddenly piled into the back seat again and came along to family day of their own free will. For her it's the most important one of the year, and they know it.

On our vacations we almost always have at least two of our three kids with us – and when, like now over Easter break, one kid goes on vacation with another family, we simply borrow one more so we get back up to three 😉

I do believe that the longer the leash we give them (not completely without a leash, a little connection can stay until a certain age), the more gladly they come back on their own. That's how it was with my parents, anyway. My brother and I both lived in other cities at some point, yes, even abroad.

Today we're both back in the multigenerational family house, door to door with our parents 😉 By the way, there are no set meeting days with them, either. But when the Bundesliga (Germany's pro soccer league) is on, we often all get together anyway, and it's all strictly voluntary and suspiciously cheerful…