I'm 43 and the Only One of My Friends With a Toddler

Hi, friends! As you know, two years ago we welcomed a late-in-life baby, a wonderful little boy who brings so much love and life into our family. He has also sent us right back to living on someone else's schedule. Our “big” three kids are 8, 11, and 14, and compared to a two-year-old, they're obviously pretty independent.

They take public transit to school and activities, don't need help putting on pajamas, and think it's awesome when we parents want to go out for Italian, because for them that means chips and TV!

With a two-year-old, a lot changes. Sure, we can still go out at night and our oldest will keep an eye on him, but to be honest, it's not exactly carefree for me. On weekends we're not as flexible as families with older kids, because the little guy still naps (and I usually nap with him :-)). I can't just spontaneously join a yoga class or meet someone for a drink, because first we always have to sort out: Where's the little one, and who can watch him for a minute?

My late-in-life baby catapulted me back to the daycare years

While my friends are touring middle schools and high schools with their kids, I'm sitting in an interview at a preschool. While the others argue with their teens about why they actually need winter jackets, I have snowsuits hanging on the hooks again. While my friends talk to their kids about the dangers of smoking, I'm trying to wean mine off the bottle.

All of this means I'm living in a different reality than all my friends, because at 43, I'm the only one with a toddler. Two recent moments really drove that home for me. I was in the car with a friend, on our way to the movies. We passed a construction site, and I was about to yell, “OH, a bulldozer!” When I realized it and told her, we both cracked up. She said it was wild how long it had been since she'd stood at a construction site with her son.

And recently another friend told me that sometimes she sits on the couch at home all by herself in the evening. Her husband is at the gym, her 15-year-old daughter is at a friend's house, and her 13-year-old son is at practice. All I could think was, “How wonderful! That quiet must be heavenly!” Because I'm almost never alone. Someone is always puttering around, wanting to tell me about their day or cuddle, needing a sandwich, a warm milk with honey, or a piece of advice. The day when all my kids are independent and out in the evenings is still a long way off…

Sometimes I peek over a little enviously at the freedom my friends have. We started out in motherhood together, but now they “only” have two kids who are past the hardest part. Most of the time, though, I'm genuinely happy that my late-in-life baby lets me soak up a lot of things much more consciously than I did with the big ones. I'm looking forward to the preschool years all over again, with the lantern walks in the fall and the summer party. I love every new word, all the adorable mispronunciations, and the big milestones. And at the same time, I'm so glad this is my fourth child and that I'm not as nervous and clueless as I was as a first-time mom.

Of course, living in different realities affects friendships and acquaintances, too. They change. Some get less close, others stay deep and steady. Some of my friends turn soft and snuggly when the little one sits on their lap. With others, you can tell how little they know what to do with toddlers anymore, and how glad they are to be past that stage. Both are totally fine.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I think it's normal to look wistfully at other people's lives every now and then and, at the same time, feel deeply grateful for what you have. Everything has its time, and it's all just phases. What matters is that we never forget what a big gift it is to get to walk our kids through life, no matter how old they are right now.