Dear all, laughing together is better than despairing alone, isn’t it?! That’s why we’d like to present to you, right here and now, THE ultimate relaxation book for parents. It’s called “Parenting with Dignity” and was penned by Matthias Jung, whom you probably know as the puberty expert.
But with this book, he’s going right back to the very beginning. Sit back and relax – it’s still very, very beneficial, even now that your children are older. Thank you for your guest post, Matthias!
PARENTING WITH DIGNITY
Congratulations, you’re parents! And with that, magicians, all-rounders, superheroes. You manage with ease to sleep in the tiniest of spaces in the most awkward positions for years on end, conquer endless mountains of laundry, and can tell from a silence whether it is peaceful or dangerous. Amazing!
We are ‘millions-legged’, always running, doing and making things. We are physically strong (shopping, child and Maxi-Cosi all in one hand, four floors up, no problem! We manage to drag a packed pushchair through the sand on the beach.)
Let’s be clear: we could work as survival trainers. No matter what adventure Jochen Schweizer offers, parents can handle it with ease. Rafting, bungee jumping. We just laugh at that. A stomach bug at 3 am with a child staying over. That’s when heroes are born.
However, we also realise that, as parents, we are constantly at home, yet we feel homesick for our wonderful past. We long for freedom, self-determination, space to breathe, hot coffee and – yes, you’ve guessed it – an undisturbed shower. You have to savour every drop as it falls. Sometimes a little relaxation would be nice.
Once, when I was sitting on the loo, my daughter came running in and locked the door from the inside. She said patronisingly: “So you can have a bit of peace, Dad!” Thank you very much, dear daughter.
I’m sending a hug to every mum who cries in secret more often than she laughs. Who needs an outlet several times a day just to take a breather and ends up raising her voice, even though she never wanted to. Who’d love to really turn the ‘quiet’ back up again. Yesterday I told my son: “You’re fine just the way you are!” Then I thought: ‘We as parents are allowed to say that to ourselves too.
And to believe it wholeheartedly, take it to heart and bring it to life. Because only then is this sentence of the utmost value to us and to our children. So how can we relax? When I once had a brief moment to myself and thought about exercise, my sofa threw itself protectively beneath me. Thank you for that. We parents often seek out special ways to relax.
We are allowed to celebrate things – namely those quiet moments that childless people would never celebrate in their lives. An MRI scan (20 minutes of peace), a dental cleaning (30 minutes of peace), a waiting room without an appointment (90 minutes). There were parents who even kept quiet about being private patients, just to enjoy the comforts of a waiting room.
Our children are allowed to see us with our emotions, mistakes and impatience. As long as this remains the exception and the ‘big picture’ is that of caring, loving, attentive parents, everything is fine. So: first and foremost, we need to be kind to ourselves, because as parents we cannot and should not be perfect.
We can’t be perfect: we’ll forget to pick the children up from nursery, pack them rainwear, put leftover apple slices in their lunchbox, we’ll never swap out their spare clothes, we’ll trap the bike helmet in our child’s skin (ouch), and suddenly the laundry has been sitting in the washing machine for two days. And what about our partner and care work? Who cares?
By the way, ‘parental leave’ means – for men and for everyone else too – that this is not free time for parents. The term ‘childcare leave’ would be more appropriate. Whoever introduced this term “parental leave” certainly didn’t have children. It just leads to confusion. Probably the same person who slipped an “S” into the word “lisp”. Or who invented the word “box spring bed”.
But once again, for everyone’s benefit: we have parental leave, not time off! Ultimately, when you break it down, it seems so simple: two adults come to an agreement together on how to divide the time. And nobody needs to communicate that to the outside world.
Even if the woman goes out in her free time, you get comments like: “Oh, is Dad looking after the children?” No! He’s not a babysitter; he doesn’t get paid for it. He’s simply a father spending time with his children. And the other parents? We need to realise that what others think of me is separate from what I can do, what I do, and what I think. Other people’s thoughts are on a different wavelength. We don’t listen to that anymore.
Our parenting always has value, but it doesn’t need to be judged by others. This family does it this way, we do it this way. Yes, every family has its own sole right to care for its children. For itself. And we won’t let anyone talk us out of that. In short: many parents you meet are currently fighting a battle you know nothing about. Absolutely nothing. With themselves, with their partner, with everyday life, with their child…? Please. Just be kind. Always.
My book „Parenting with Dignity“ is absolutely NOT for mums and dads for whom everything has always been and is still going swimmingly. Exactly, because they don’t exist. Where’s the sunshine and roses? It’s for mums and dads who doubt themselves and the world and feel despair. Who, in the end, realise: this book is my book. This is a book – about me. I could have written it exactly the same way.
Always remember: you are always a normal mother. You are always a normal father. And you always have a normal child.
