Dear readers, how much alcohol do you drink? How much alcohol do your partners and friends drink? Alcohol is still probably the most widely accepted drug in Germany, and sometimes it’s not so easy to draw the line between normal drinking and an alcohol problem. Camilla’s ex-husband drank too much for many years – until Camilla couldn’t take it any longer….
Dear Camilla, can you tell us how and when you met your former partner and why you fell in love with him?
We met 20 years ago in the classic way – whilst out and about, through a mutual friend. He was cool, always seemed calm and relaxed, and had a laid-back style. We had a really good time and spent a lot of time with friends at festivals and concerts.
However, your ex had a drinking problem. When did that start?
He always enjoyed a drink in company and at parties. It was only after we were married and had our two children that he started drinking at home every day without any ‘special occasion’.
What and how much did he drink, and how did his behaviour change when he had been drinking?
He mainly drank beer. He would have his first beer after work with colleagues; he always had a crate of beer in the boot of his car. He would then carry on drinking at home, so he usually ended up having five beers – but sometimes significantly more.
At first, drinking made him more relaxed; sometimes he was really cheerful. But gradually his mood got worse and worse, especially when he was sober. Sometimes it felt as though he could only cope with us when he was drinking.
Did the children notice anything about the alcohol problem?
For the children, it was „normal“ for Dad to drink. Dad just likes to drink beer. When the children were both still small, they always drew him pictures with beer bottles because Dad likes beer.
Later on, however, they also witnessed situations that weren’t nice, and that’s when I explained to them that alcohol changes people. Once he came home very drunk; the children were still awake, and for no apparent reason he just shouted at me and put me down. The children and I were scared. Fortunately, he fell asleep quickly; the three of us – the children and I – spent that night in the living room. After that, the children always wanted to throw the beer bottles away because they didn’t want their dad to drink so much anymore?
Did you talk about his alcohol problem?
I tried time and again to persuade him to go to therapy. I also wanted to do couples therapy with him, because I think that a marriage suffers from addiction too. He didn’t want to come with me, so I went to therapy on my own. There, I was told quite clearly that it would be better if I left him.
He always believed he didn’t need help and would always say to me: ‘If you can’t stand it, you’ll just have to leave.’ It took me another two years after my therapy to actually take the step of separating.
How did his addiction shape your life?
He left the children and me to cope with almost everything on our own. I made all the decisions and bore the full responsibility for the family. He also cut off contact with all our mutual friends and no longer wanted to be part of family life, so he stopped going on trips or attending family gatherings. All he did was drink.
Was there a specific point when you realised he wouldn’t stop drinking?
There wasn’t a single point. But at some stage I realised that I was at the end of my tether. I put up with his addiction for five years, then I reached my limit. My mental and physical health were suffering and I knew that I had to save my children and myself by separating.
How did he take the separation, and are you still in contact today?
He refused to accept the separation and kept assuring me throughout the year we were apart that he wouldn’t drink any more and that he wanted to change. The reality: he’s still drinking and doesn’t look after the children either. His reason for still drinking? He says he can’t bear, when he’s sober, everything he’s lost and the fact that I’ve left. So he blames me and still takes no responsibility for the children or for himself.
How are you doing today?
I’m doing well, with the usual ups and downs of being a single parent, I suppose. Of course, I’m worried that the children might be missing out on something or that I might overlook something. But overall, the three of us are now living a peaceful life. I’ve been back in therapy since the separation, which has helped me realise that it isn’t my fault and that I can’t save him.
I’ve also recently fallen in love. My new boyfriend is responsible, clear-headed, empathetic and loving. It’s a new experience for me that someone simply likes me and enjoys being with me – without any alcohol at all.
