Dear all, whenever the topic of grandparents comes up, our inbox is always flooded with messages; it seems to be a very emotional subject, so it’s great that the book Endgegner Großeltern is now available, in which Kristina Weber and Johannes Molz, known from the ARD Instagram channel »Eltern ohne Filter«, show us how we can see through old patterns, renegotiate roles and experience genuine equality.
What’s it all about? Kids around, drama ensues, because suddenly your own parents are getting heavily involved in your parenting. Between unsolicited advice (“Maybe you just need to be more consistent!”) and old grievances, the dream of a relaxed family life turns into a boss fight at the coffee table. Instead of relief, there’s criticism; instead of harmony, new conflicts. But why do things so often go pear-shaped – and how do we get out of this? We asked the two of them.
Why can things get so difficult with our own parents when we have children ourselves?
Because most of us distance ourselves from our parents as we grow up and eventually move out. In the process, the friction and problems with one’s own parents are often left behind in the old bedroom to gather dust; after all, it’s much easier to avoid each other now. With the birth of their children, many young parents move closer to their parents’ home again, if only because they are in desperate need of support. And then everything that hasn’t been resolved comes flooding back and lies in the way like little Lego pieces – and woe betide anyone who steps on them…
No matter how old we are, when we visit our parents, we slip back into childish patterns. Why is that?
Because we are their children. But especially when we have children of our own, we need to leave that behind to some extent and meet them as equals, as adults. And there’s no manual for that, and if this reorganisation of roles isn’t healthily resolved on both sides, conflicts arise. This can stem from either side: from the new grandparents who still treat us parents like children, but also from new parents who approach the new grandparents with unspoken expectations.
Some also feel their parents are watching them in their daily lives. Perhaps because they did things differently. Or because they managed to get by on a single income back then. How can we rise above it when they roll their eyes?
By trying to understand that not everything such grandparents say is actually a judgement of us as parents. Often, a remark expresses concern, or their own pain, or a sense of sadness that things were much harder back then. And if you take that into account, and perhaps manage to see it less as a personal attack, you can better engage in a conversation about what the other person is actually really concerned about. “What on earth is going on here!” can be criticism, but also poorly phrased concern about an overburdened child.
Could it be that Grandma also feels triggered when her daughter or daughter-in-law does things completely differently, because this then calls her own parenting style from the past into question in a way, perhaps because it also triggers a guilty conscience?
That is often the case. After all, today’s generation of grandparents did the best they could – that is always our starting point – but back then there weren’t 40 different books published every year on breastfeeding alone. If the younger generation has read a great deal, this can lead us parents to believe that we know far better than they did back then.
On the other hand, some grandparents are also right when they see that the attention given to the child is, after all, excessive. (Not to be confused with lots of love; there’s never enough love)
For many parents, it is a difficult balancing act to meet all their children’s needs without getting run ragged themselves. When grandparents – whose own needs were far from being respected during their childhood – watch us spending two hours helping the children fall asleep and then going about our daily lives with the resulting dark circles under our eyes, a gentle criticism of this can certainly be well-intentioned and perhaps even appropriate.
A typical scene: we visit Grandma and Grandad, the children are all well-behaved – and the moment we step into the house, they go wild, completely losing it. Suddenly, a sense of shame creeps in, because you really want to show how much you’ve got it under control…
Of course, we want to show our grandparents that we are confident parents and that, whilst we may be raising our children more freely, we certainly have them ‘under control’. But we mustn’t forget that it is our job to raise and protect our children. We ourselves were dependent on them as children and wanted their approval; some people spend their whole lives seeking their parents’ applause. That’s precisely when you don’t want to appear helpless and overwhelmed.
On the other hand: we receive numerous messages from parents who are deeply disappointed by the grandparents. They would like more support, but Grandma and Grandpa have their own lives too… where do these expectations come from? Is this also a structural problem, because it’s virtually impossible to manage without help, and babysitters are simply too expensive?
This is, amongst other things, a structural problem: over a million pensioners are still working, many of them because their pension isn’t enough. But the expectations that are thrust upon us often stem from the fact that very few young parents actually talk to the grandparents about what they are actually able and willing to do. After all, not everyone can do things the way they would like to. There are grandparents who live three hours away, one of whom is bedridden; money is tight, and there are eight other grandchildren.
But if the family’s first grandchild still has all four grandparents, and if they also live nearby, are in good health, are already retired and are willing to make the time, then the circumstances are quite different. Parents need to take a realistic look at what the grandparents can actually manage. And what’s more: strictly speaking, grandparents don’t actually owe us any more childcare. They’ve already raised us, and we didn’t ask them if they wanted to be grandparents – that was our decision.
You say that the conflict between the generations is a good thing. In what way?
The conflict offers everyone involved – grandparents, parents and grandchildren – the chance to reconnect, leave old grievances and patterns behind, and move towards one another. Everyone can benefit from this:
The grandparents, who, thanks to their experience and having more time with their grandchildren, can do things differently than they did with their own children; the parents, who can use all the support they can get and may also gain a different perspective on their own upbringing and background, thereby perhaps finally completing the process of growing up; the grandchildren are given attachment figures, can learn from a wealth of experience and bask in the caring closeness of their grandparents.
What’s more, this teaches children that conflicts can be addressed. Ideally. But even if you only manage to resolve a little bit of it, that’s already a huge gain. After all, these are the most important bonds we have.
