Dear readers, how often do we simply jump to conclusions? A child who doesn’t speak in public is quickly labelled as stubborn or shy, yet there may be another explanation: selective mutism, for instance, is not a child choosing to remain silent, but rather a mental block. The child would like to speak, but simply cannot. Our reader shares some valuable insights.
Dear reader, your 15-year-old daughter was diagnosed with selective mutism . When did you first realise that your child might be different from the others?
Our daughter was diagnosed with selective mutism at around 4½ years old. At the time, the nursery teachers pointed out to us that she wasn’t speaking to them at all. That came as a great surprise to us at the time. Because at home she wasn’t quiet at all and was more of a little entertainer.
And communicating with her nursery friends wasn’t a problem either. In fact, as a small child, she was actually braver and more outgoing than our older daughter, who has always been very reserved and shy, but does not have selective mutism.
How long did it take to get the diagnosis – and was it a relief for you?
After the meeting at the nursery, I first looked for information online and came across the term „selective mutism“ for the first time. The descriptions fitted our daughter well. Shortly afterwards, she was indeed diagnosed with selective mutism, following which we were able to start therapy promptly with a speech therapist specialising in this area.
The diagnosis was not a relief at first, as the condition is unfortunately very little known and one often finds oneself struggling to explain it in many situations. People often show little understanding, as the silence is mistakenly interpreted as extreme shyness or simply as stubbornness, rudeness or a refusal to speak.
Nevertheless, the diagnosis was beneficial in that we were able to start therapy at an early stage. As a general rule, the earlier therapy begins, the sooner selective mutism can be overcome.
Some people affected experience a sort of paralysis or freezing in overwhelming situations, respond to questions such as „Which sauce do you want on your pasta?“ with „Whatever“ or have difficulty initiating conversations (saying hello, goodbye, etc.). How exactly does selective mutism manifest itself in your daughter?
Our daughter has never really experienced this so-called „freezing“ in that form. She has also made great progress overall in recent years. She has now reached the point where she can answer questions in most situations – albeit often rather briefly and concisely.
What still causes her major problems is actually making decisions – especially with open-ended questions where no answer options are provided. In these situations, she is always very unsure as to what kind of answer the other person is expecting.
That’s why closed questions or multiple-choice questions are much easier. So instead of „Which sauce do you want on your pasta?“, I’d rather ask: „Would you like tomato sauce or spinach sauce on your pasta?“ – although I already know that my daughter doesn’t like spinach at all 😉
Polite phrases for greetings and farewells, as well as words like „please“ and „thank you“, are associated with high expectations or intense pressure to speak for people with selective mutism. This leads to increased stress levels and enormous inner tension, which often makes speaking impossible.
This was the case with our daughter for a long time, but things have improved in most situations. Initiating and maintaining conversation, as well as typical „small talk“ was and still is very difficult for her, as she was unable to practise it for years and therefore lacks important social experiences.
Selective mutism usually develops in childhood; have you been able to identify what might have triggered it in your daughter?
With selective mutism, there is very often a genetic component in the form of a rather reserved temperament or severe shyness, which does indeed run in our family.
I myself was also very reserved as a child and rather taciturn outside the circle of family and friends. This also applies to our older daughter. So there doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘trigger’ in the sense of a potentially traumatic situation; rather, it is often the development of (partly genetically influenced) unfavourable behavioural patterns that are reinforced and cemented by perpetuating factors.
Examples of this include avoiding supposedly difficult situations or speaking on the child’s behalf, which I actually had to work very hard to break myself of.
Selective mutism is well known for the fact that those affected can speak to certain people but not to others. It is not a lack of willingness, but rather a kind of mental block. Which people does your child speak to?
The „desire“ was actually always there. Our daughter often expressed a wish to be able to speak to everyone and in all situations. For a long time, she only spoke to family members and her close friends.
At the start of the coronavirus pandemic (she was just under 9 years old at the time), there was unfortunately a major ‘setback’ – not only in terms of her ability to communicate, but also with regard to her general mental health.
In addition to the lack of social contact, the sudden loss of her beloved sporting activities was a decisive factor in this. For a while, she spoke only to us, her parents, and her sister, but no longer to friends or her grandparents.
Overall, she was very withdrawn and listless during this time, seemed very unhappy and showed clear signs of depression. After careful consideration, we finally decided to help her out of this mental slump with the support of an anti-anxiety medication and accompanying psychotherapy.
A few weeks later, she suddenly started talking to her grandparents again and even began greeting strangers on the street. The decisive breakthrough came shortly afterwards through a four-week rehabilitation programme at a specialist clinic, where she took part in various individual and group therapies.
How is your daughter doing at school? Do you speak openly with the teachers? Does she have a circle of friends?
School has always been a very difficult area for our daughter. We have discussed the diagnosis and the associated difficulties with the teachers very openly and transparently, and have received a great deal of support from them so far.
Towards the end of primary school, she was able to speak a little with her class teacher, though only using pre-rehearsed phrases and not in front of the whole class. At secondary school, she actually made good progress after the four-week rehabilitation and was even able to say a few things in front of the class on a couple of occasions.
Over the last two years, however, the school environment has become significantly more stressful for her again – presumably also due to her entering puberty – and speaking at school simply stopped working altogether.
Our daughter’s biggest worry was always how others would react to her speaking: ‘It’ll be weird if I suddenly start talking now.’ She didn’t want to stand out or be the centre of attention under any circumstances. She also felt that her voice sounded ‘weird’ .
Generally speaking, with selective mutism, it is often the case that certain places, situations or people are associated with the silence. To break out of the silence, sometimes the only thing that helps is a completely fresh start in an unburdened environment, which she has chosen both in her sports club and now at school.
She recently transferred to a different school at her own request, as the situation at her previous school had simply reached a complete deadlock and she saw no chance of finding her voice again there.
She has coped well with the fresh start at her current school so far: she was able to speak to her classmates and teachers right from the start. She can also say something in front of the class when asked. It is just that raising her hand independently in class is still very, very difficult for her. But in this respect, she simply hasn’t been able to build up any routine at all in recent years.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t currently have a circle of friends. She has contacts at the football club, but she doesn’t meet up with them outside of training. The lack of speaking practice over the last few years and the associated insecurity are, of course, also clearly noticeable when it comes to making friends with her peers.
As a mother, how do you feel about your child being so quiet and the fact that this might put her at a disadvantage?
It is hard to watch when your own child cannot do what they would like to, and as a result misses out on many opportunities and wonderful experiences. Naturally, you want your child to be happy and to be able to fulfil their full potential – and not to be stuck behind a wall of silence.
Especially when they are young, you automatically take over many things and often speak for the child, but this means they miss out on important opportunities and experiences of self-efficacy. Over the years, I’ve had to learn that I need to hand responsibility back to my daughter and shouldn’t sort everything out for her.
You mentioned therapies earlier – what kind of support exactly is your daughter receiving there?
She underwent speech therapy for several years (specialising in mutism) and was also in psychotherapeutic treatment for a few years. The children’s rehabilitation programme was certainly very helpful – for me as a mother too.
As a parent accompanying the child, we were given in-depth training there on how to deal with the condition and received helpful tips on how best to support our child on their journey towards speaking.
When our daughter was younger, reward schemes proved to be very effective, as they encouraged her to tackle new challenges more often; however, we introduced these very gradually in consultation with the therapist.
When the desire becomes stronger than the fear and small successes gradually build up courage, small but steady progress can be made. However, this path is also paved with many setbacks, so it is very important to continually instil confidence and trust in the child.
She is no longer undergoing therapy at the moment, but we remain in contact with her former speech therapist.
Beyond her diagnosis: what sort of person is your daughter?
At home, she is a very funny person – surprisingly quick-witted and articulate given her communication difficulties – who has always made us laugh and marvelled at her.
She is also very talented at sport and plays competitive football. Movement has always been an important means of expression for her, which has also given her a bit more ease and confidence in many situations.
It’s simply wonderful to see how she can flourish here. Through sport, she has been able to build self-confidence, mental strength and perseverance despite her communication difficulties.
She is someone who doesn’t necessarily always take the easy route, but seeks out challenges in order to develop further. That is why we are absolutely confident that her speaking will soon improve even more and that she will be able to realise her big dream of becoming a successful professional footballer.
