Dear readers, ever since I started writing this column, I’ve been receiving questions from readers asking how I would respond to this or that challenge during their children’s teenage years, so I thought it might be a good idea to turn this into a little forum where we can offer some very practical advice.
Please feel free to send your questions to info(at)stadtlandmama.de if you ever need advice, and we’ll see which answers might be of interest to others so that we can publish them anonymously here on the blog.
On secret vaping
Today’s story is about a mother whose child promised her, after being caught, that they would stop vaping. Now it has come to light that the child is still vaping. Even in their own room, as videos sent to friends prove. The problem is that the mum doesn’t officially know any of this; another mum discovered it on the child’s mobile and then told the mother of the teenager in question. She wrote to me:
“Dear Lisa, I found out in confidence this week that my 13-year-old child is still smoking e-cigarettes. Apparently, they’re also sending pictures of it via apps, along the lines of: I even do it at home and my parents don’t notice a thing. I’m just sad and worried. How should I react? Do you have any ideas?“
Have you come across situations like this? And what does your gut feeling tell you? How would you react yourself? First of all: when you’re not directly affected, it’s always so easy to say anything and everything. But as parents, you really don’t want to get anything wrong when it comes to the most important thing you have: your own children. So I completely understand if your nervous system goes into alarm mode at first. To start with, it might help to put things into perspective:
Your child probably just wants to distance themselves from you, their parents, right now. They want to feel grown-up, even in front of other teenagers. And of course they won’t tell you this openly; after all, it’s all about the secrecy and the danger.
On top of that: e-cigarettes or vapes (from ‘vaporiser’, because they always produce so much vapour) simply didn’t exist when we were growing up, so we have absolutely no experience of them and can’t really have a say on the matter. I’ll readily admit, though, that whilst working on this article, I’ve just visited a website selling e-liquids for the first time. Good old days!
There are flavours like ‘Vanilla Pudding’, ‘Buttermilk Lemon’ or the even more brilliant ‘WoodruffHisFather’. Sorry, but how appealing does that sound to teenagers, exactly? During the ordering process, you can specify whether you want the stuff nicotine-free – i.e. with 0mg nicotine strength (yes, that exists, did you know? At least then it doesn’t lead straight into addiction) – or with 3, 6 or 12 mg.
Back to our reader. Her child tells their friends that they don’t want to stop because they love vaping far too much. At 13. It’s simply still too early. And the consequences can’t really be assessed at that age (in fact, research hasn’t got very far yet, so it’s not clear whether these vapours aren’t totally harmful even without nicotine). So how should we, as parents, deal with this? Should we make the child prepare a presentation for us parents on the dangers? The idea is certainly a good one, but: does that really help to stop the child from smoking?
And what if, at the weekend, a half-empty bottle of spirits turns up in the teenager’s rucksack? And they say: Yes, we made mixed drinks, but I didn’t like the taste. Or: Yes, I have the bottle, but I only packed it for XY because otherwise he’d get into serious trouble at home.
Is that a sign of trust in the parents (you’re more relaxed about it, after all) or a white lie? We won’t be able to find out for sure, but I still think giving them the benefit of the doubt is a good start. „At least you’re honest enough to admit that you tried it. What exactly did you find disgusting? The taste or the feeling of losing control afterwards?“ You’re allowed to ask with genuine interest! Not angrily, but with interest. Not accusingly, but rather neutrally.
Leaving the door of trust open
Make sure you don’t completely shut the door of trust to your child. You could say: “Hey, I can see you’re going through a phase of trying things out, including substances that are difficult for a developing brain. I want you to know that we messed up too when we were kids.
And as your mum, I still have to explain the consequences to you. You can come to us with anything, but there have to be certain rules, and getting hold of vapes at 13 is illegal, as is alcohol. If you do decide to drink anyway: please only do so in the company of others, when you know that no one can drag you off to be raped because you’ve lost control or because you’re about to throw up.“
And yes, if you’ve just swallowed hard: I think we’re allowed to cite drastic examples here to show what could happen and to signal: Hey, you’re putting yourself in danger. These can happily be real examples from your circle of friends – the one who had to go into rehab, or the other who got hooked on drugs as a teenager and still needs support today.
And no, I’m definitely not on the ‘punishments and consequences’ team when it comes to supporting young people. If our reader were to cancel her child’s already booked summer holiday trip with their friends, for example, what do you think would happen? Wouldn’t they probably become even more rebellious and provocative? That’s how I would have reacted as a child (though fortunately I never experienced anything like that, because thankfully my parents didn’t have such ideas either)… even further away from the ‘mean’ parents, even deeper into the gang and into feeling misunderstood.
But now this mother’s circle of friends, who have children of the same age, say: You can’t just let that slide! Your child has lied to you! Your child is walking all over you! Do you recognise this? This judgement from the outside, which then makes us feel even more insecure? This freak-out? As if I wouldn’t let MY child get away with that?
My advice here: just really try not to be, or become, ‘those stupid parents’. Say what you’re actually feeling: ‘You know, as your mum, I’m just really worried. I never did anything like that myself. I don’t know anything about this sort of thing. If you ever want to talk about it, it’s best to do so with Dad – he made a right mess of things in his youth too, so you can have a chat about it. There are a few things Dad wouldn’t do the same way today as he did back then. Yes, don’t laugh – we were young once too and thought we were immortal.” Feel free to surprise your children with that.
Consequences for the child?
Just like that, you’re meeting them on their level and even showing your own vulnerability and self-reflection. And then you can ask: What does vaping give you? What do you like about it, and why do you enjoy it? Take a genuine interest in what your teenagers are doing. And mean it. Really want to gain some insight. Because let’s be honest: we can’t stop it entirely anyway; we can only stay on top of it. That’s why you should avoid an accusatory tone as much as possible, and instead adopt an interested one.
So really no ‘consequences’? No bans on media, grounding, or youth trips? My answer is: no. The consequence should be that you engage in conversation to see what joint solution is possible.
And I’ll tell you something else: in the very, very, very secret, you’re also allowed to be just a tiny bit proud of your child (provided the boundary-crossing isn’t too extreme, but rather, as here, involves being caught vaping for a second time): that they dare to do so much. That they’re a little rebel who seeks their own path even in the face of resistance and is testing the waters.
All of this is part of growing up. Part of self-discovery. Part of forming an identity. Part of testing how parents react to this or that. Such boundary-pushing must, of course, be discussed and put into perspective. But I fear: it’s all part of the process.
If they know they can rely on us… even when they’ve messed up, that’s an incredibly valuable asset. Not because we applaud everything they do or don’t do, but because we build mutual trust. Because we remain on equal footing. Because we don’t belittle or judge, but rather accompany and assess them, offering guidance along the way. Not against each other, but with each other. Show them that they are seen and taken seriously in their decisions. I believe that then you can look to the future with optimism.
