I Gave Birth to Twins in Secret and Placed Them for Adoption

My name is Michaela, and I want to tell you my story. Let me say this up front: it's not a picture-perfect story. I've been through some major crises in my life, and I was almost always on my own. Because of that, I had to make some decisions that a lot of women won't understand. But everything I did, I did because I love my children and want a better life for them. 

But let me start at the beginning. It begins in 2015, the year I separated from the father of my two kids. He and I both worked full-time, and after my job I still handled the kids and the house on my own. That went on for years, until the stress finally made me sick. I couldn't work anymore, and that was the end of the relationship for good. 

After the breakup, their father lost all interest in his kids (honestly, he hadn't shown much before, either). So I moved to a different city about 186 miles away to start over. In mid-2016, I met another man who, as I only found out six months later, was in a committed relationship. I'm not a woman who breaks up marriages or relationships, so I ended things with him right away. And I moved back to the area where I'd lived before.

Four weeks later, I realized I was pregnant. I didn't want to terminate the pregnancy, but I also knew I couldn't raise this baby. I already had two kids, I was constantly at my limit, money was tight, and above all, I had no support at all. I knew the father of the baby wouldn't be interested in the child, and I knew I couldn't handle another one. 

I researched how and where you can give birth anonymously and read a lot online about baby hatches, the places in Germany where a mother can anonymously leave a newborn. I wanted to know what would happen to the baby if I put it there. I wanted to be sure someone would find it and take care of it. 

I kept the entire pregnancy secret. I wore loose clothes and just kept going to work. I didn't talk to anyone about the pregnancy, and I never saw an OB-GYN. 

One day in February 2017, four weeks before my due date, I noticed I was leaking amniotic fluid. I put my older kids to bed, and then the contractions started. I took a warm shower, laid out clean towels, and got out the diapers and onesies I'd secretly bought. Around 9 p.m., the contractions got stronger, and at 9:34 p.m. my son Mika was born. A few minutes later, his twin brother Luca followed. Yes, I gave birth to twins. It came as a surprise to me, too. 

Both babies were doing well. I let the umbilical cord stop pulsing, then clamped it and cut it. I washed my sons and dressed them, then got into bed with both of them and cuddled them, looked at them, breathed in their smell. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep. 

When I woke up, I wrote a letter. I wrote down what time they were born, what names I'd given them, and why I couldn't raise these two babies. I bundled the boys up warmly and took them to the baby hatch. I put the letter in with them. 

I can barely remember the next few days. I came down with a fever, and the guilt kept coming back. I pictured the two babies lying somewhere all alone, with nobody rocking them to sleep, nobody cuddling them, nobody comforting them. 

Three weeks after the birth, I called the hospital and was put through right away to the caseworker from the youth welfare office. We talked for a very long time, and two days later we met for coffee. She told me that the alarm went off immediately when I put the babies down. That both boys were checked over right away and that they were completely healthy and doing well. She said the nurses had been cuddling them the whole time and that they were very sweet babies. She also told me there was already a couple ready to take them in. They had already visited the boys in the hospital. 

We talked for a long time about whether there might be a way for the babies to grow up with me after all. We agreed to meet again two days later, and until then I would think it over once more: did I really want to give the boys up for adoption? When I went home, I felt very relieved. The babies were fine, and they would grow up together. 

Two days later, I met with the caseworker again. I told her I agreed to the adoption, because I didn't have the strength to give these babies a good life myself. She never made me feel guilty. She took the guilt off my shoulders and told me the new family would take very good care of the boys.

Since then, we've met two more times. She's told me how the twins are doing and promised to keep me updated by email regularly. I have no contact with the adoptive parents. But if the twins ever want to know who I am and why I couldn't raise them, I'll be there to answer their questions. 

It's been more than two years now. I've found some peace, and I know it was the right decision. I'm the mother of these boys, and the most important thing to me was that they have a good life and parents who take good care of them. That wish came true.