Dear readers, one of our readers recently got in touch in response to a Teen Time column we wrote, which discussed how older children don’t necessarily mean bigger worries. For her, however, that’s exactly the case. All three of her daughters bring their own set of challenges, and today their mum is here to tell us all about them.
With older children who no longer need constant supervision and are able and willing to do many things without their parents, life becomes much easier. And yes, when the children are small, you often think about this very phase, because as parents you then become freer and more self-determined again.
But back then, I didn’t give a thought to the emotional strain and challenges of the teenage years, and I had absolutely no idea what lay ahead for us – or that many things simply wouldn’t just fall into place on their own.
But first, a word about my wonderful family. My husband and I have three daughters, aged 16, 14 and 10. I’d always wanted girls, and even though our youngest wasn’t planned, we’re very glad that she asserted herself so strongly and ‘sneaked her way in’.
I’d always been aware that girls can have a more difficult time going through puberty than boys, but I only knew myself at that age, and I think I was pretty harmless 😉.
Looking back over the last five years, it has been a really tough, emotionally draining and challenging time for me as a mother. Our three daughters all have their own issues to contend with, which naturally also weigh on me as a mother and take up my time and emotional energy.
Our main cause for concern, however, is our eldest. A few years ago, things became difficult in that we often clashed and argued a great deal. We felt provoked, and her sisters also had to put up with quite a bit of these ‘mood swings’.
At first, we put it down to the onset of puberty, but it got worse. She rejected us and made that very clear. On top of that came emotionally stressful events; for example, a long-standing friendship broke down (not on her part), which caused her great distress and led to self-doubt.
Alongside the self-doubt came a persistent sadness, and my gut feeling told me that this was no longer just puberty, but possibly depressive moods that our daughter, then aged 12, was struggling with.
When I then discovered that she was self-harming, I initially panicked. Thankfully, I managed to strike up a conversation with her quite well and was able to draw on the generally good bond we shared to talk to her. About how she was feeling and what we could do now.
She asked me about the meaning of life and what was still good about life!? And I’d never thought about that before – that I’d have to have conversations like this, sitting opposite my child who, at that moment, saw her own life as nothing but exhausting and difficult. She really shouldn’t have to have such worries at that age, and ideally not at all.
It was clear to us: we needed help. But unfortunately, that’s not easy. And so began some truly difficult years, during which we often felt so helpless. In our experience, getting a place in therapy is virtually impossible at short notice.
We spent years on waiting lists and were initially left to our own devices. We did have initial consultations, but they led nowhere. We have no idea how things would have gone with an inpatient admission, but that wasn’t what we wanted.
We wanted a psychotherapist by our side who could help her and us to strengthen her and support her in turning her negative thoughts back into positive ones (to put it simply).
Because, unfortunately, we realised that she had developed a negative view of herself and her life, lacked self-confidence and, on top of that, had developed a kind of social anxiety. Interacting with strangers often became difficult and stressful for her.
We then had the opportunity to attend counselling sessions at Caritas in the meantime, which we did make use of, though this cannot be compared to regular therapy. Nevertheless, we were very grateful for this opportunity and made use of it for quite a long time.
But what if your child cannot open up, cannot talk about themselves and their feelings? Then it becomes difficult, and as a mother, watching this was almost unbearable for me. I could see: she needs help and is suffering. Yet she isn’t getting adequate help and, on top of that, is standing in her own way!
She does have some very good friends by her side, but she doesn’t talk to them much about it either. She just deals with a lot on her own. It really was a rollercoaster, and the mood in the whole family depended on how she was feeling at the time. And yet there were, and still are, two sisters and us.
We’ve just been offered a place on a therapy programme. It’s still very new and she isn’t really open to it, because she simply still finds it hard to talk about herself in a positive light. I’m supporting her in the hope that she’ll give it a chance and that things will start to change for her. Keep your fingers crossed for us!
Because time doesn’t stand still for our other daughters either. Our middle daughter is struggling a lot at school and is experiencing a great deal of frustration and failure there, which she has to cope with for now. But she doesn’t want to change schools either because of her friends.
There had also been times before when she didn’t really have any friends and had some sad experiences. That still gnaws at her self-esteem today. And we don’t even need to discuss the outdated German school system. Based on my own experience, I’m naturally worried that she won’t be able to cope with it. There are many discussions with teachers and, of course, some difficult conversations with her.
Our youngest daughter is still in primary school. Because of her dyslexia and ADHD, things don’t just run smoothly on their own. Learning therapy, discussions about homework and constant attempts to motivate and manage her.
Big children, big worries
And that’s what I meant by “That’s not how I imagined it”. Now the children are older and I’m still very much occupied with supporting them, helping them navigate life. And above all, I’m very much occupied with worrying.
Because it’s no longer about: How can we have a lovely afternoon? It’s about so much more. It’s about my children’s mental health and self-esteem, as well as how they view themselves and life. I’m happy to do all this and take it as it comes. My children are wonderful and will certainly find their way.
But I never would have thought that this is how it would be once the children were “grown up”. And for that reason, I sometimes find it difficult to read articles about ‘typical’ puberty issues, because in our family we’re dealing with completely different issues.
Messy rooms, not wanting to go to school and too much social media use are issues we face too, but there are so many others that run much deeper…
