Dear friends, how often do we think when we hear stories: Oh, that only happens to other people. And then there are situations in which we ourselves or close friends find ourselves in a situation we would never have expected. Today we are talking about drugs among young people and how this very issue suddenly changed everything in a completely normal family.
Many thanks to Philipp’s mum for sharing her thoughtful and realistic insights into life with her son. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that everything will finally work out for you and wish you nothing more than… a little boredom in the future. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?!
Dearest, your child started smoking at the age of 11. How did you find out?
In fact, we didn’t notice anything for a long time, even though we had a close relationship with Philipp. There were no signs of nicotine or smoke, cigarettes or lighters in the house or anything like that. It was only when he was about 13 – I don’t remember exactly – that I happened to see Philipp with a cigarette from the car.
What happened next?
When I confronted him afterwards, he dismissed it. Then, on his 14th birthday – the whole family was still sitting at the coffee table and Philipp had just left to meet up with friends – the phone rang. The police had caught Philipp buying a small amount of cannabis. We were naturally horrified.
How did your child react to this?
Philipp insisted that he had only been doing a favour for a friend. The weed wasn’t for him, and yes, he did smoke it occasionally – but only very rarely. After all, everyone did it. However, he was a little ashamed in front of his family. Due to the small amount, no criminal proceedings were initiated.
How do you explain this early start?
Philipp had always been very curious, had a strong need for autonomy and liked to test himself – including by crossing boundaries. His impulsiveness (he has actually been diagnosed with ADHD since the age of 6) fuelled this.
How does your child explain it themselves?
Looking back, he says that he started smoking for the first time through his Scout friends. During the coronavirus pandemic, he and his friends got together and were very bored. Puberty also kicked in. Later, drugs were quite prevalent at school. During breaks and after school, but also before school, they smoked cannabis in a nearby wooded area.
But then it continued with other things…
Yes, later on, various pills made the rounds. The teachers were very attentive and regularly checked the bags of suspicious students. Philipp was never caught with anything and he also insisted that he had nothing to do with it. There were also no major abnormalities that would have caught our attention.
Did you notice any changes in your child due to drugs in his youth?
Philipp became a little quieter overall and withdrew more. We attributed this to puberty, during which it is normal to distance oneself. During this time, however, his behaviour also developed positively in some respects. We partly attributed this to the behavioural therapy he had undergone for his ADHD. There were significantly fewer arguments at home, he cooperated more, helped with the housework, etc. He also always went to school, his performance was moderate as ever – but there was no decline.
So, at first, there were no major abnormalities…
It gradually became apparent that he was staying out later and later in the evenings. Warnings did not help, but agreements were kept. He eventually completed his secondary school leaving certificate. Then, during the summer holidays, things escalated.
How did it escalate?
He was now sometimes out late into the night and had several groups of friends, not all of whom we knew. We should let him enjoy his last holidays. After the holidays, he started his apprenticeship in a trade. To get around the training position himself and enjoyed doing so.
He found it increasingly difficult to get up in the morning. Clear symptoms of depression began to show. He took sick leave, but after four months, his probationary period ended and he was dismissed. This was a bitter blow, even though it had become abundantly clear that he would not have been able to continue his training in his condition anyway.
When was that?
That was at the end of December 2023. From then on, he was out at night and slept all day. On 18 January, we found him in his room in a completely disoriented state. He hadn’t come home the night before and we had already been looking for him in the morning. In the evening, we found him as described and called the ambulance.
What happened next?
The ambulance took him to hospital due to the risk of respiratory paralysis, where he was monitored overnight in intensive care. It turned out that it had been a suicide attempt involving an overdose of various substances. He was then monitored for a further 24 hours in the acute psychiatric ward. However, as he insisted that he would not attempt suicide again in the immediate future, he was discharged home.
What measures did you take afterwards?
He agreed to attend the drug clinic at the University Medical Centre in Hamburg. At that point, he still refused further treatment. We asked the youth welfare office for advice, but they just referred us elsewhere. They said we were capable of acting and we had already been to the clinic. We went to the counselling centre they recommended and they offered to support us, or rather Philipp, if he was willing to cooperate. He wasn’t.
And then?
It took several more months and several breakdowns before Philipp realised that things couldn’t go on like this. At the end of the year, he finally agreed to be admitted to the clinic for withdrawal treatment. At first, things went quite well, but then he was expelled after about four weeks for breaking the rules. What was the result?
He immediately started using drugs again – mainly cannabis and ketamine. It was months later that he was readmitted, this time staying for several weeks. Everything looked really promising. Through an affiliated career counselling service, he arranged an internship. He then asked to be discharged early – with the doctors‘ blessing, so to speak – and had really good intentions.
But that didn’t last long either…
Unfortunately, he only stayed clean for two days. A simple frustrating experience was the trigger, as was certainly the environment he continued to frequent. Things then went downhill again. Several overdoses, severe depression, no will or strength to change anything. He gradually lost his friends and soon found himself almost alone. He slept all day and was awake at night, consuming drugs.
As parents, did you still have access to him?
He completely avoided us. He was like a zombie, it was impossible to have a conversation with him. At one point, he tried to apply for long-term therapy or rehab through a drug counselling centre. I supported him in this and accompanied him to the appointments. Then he changed his mind and abandoned all efforts. Unfortunately, nothing works without the addict taking the initiative. On top of that, he was now of legal age. He slept through Christmas and New Year’s Eve completely.
He then became increasingly aggressive…
Yes, but only verbally at first. On New Year’s Eve, he attacked us verbally, accusing us of abandoning him, and in his anger he smashed the glass door in the kitchen. He then disappeared and confided in his grandmothers, who live around the corner from us. After a few conversations, we brought him home and he went back to sleep.
Now he is trying to get himself under control again…
On 2 January, he put his decision into action and started detoxing at home on his own. It looks like he is actually sticking to it to this day. He is now feeling much better, his old self is coming back and he has sought help at the clinic again. He is now trying to get outpatient rehabilitation there.
How are you dealing with this at the moment?
We are hopeful, but also realistic. Addiction is really treacherous. We continue to hope that he will get his life under control and support him wherever we can. There are many obstacles to overcome, such as the large debts he has incurred. But that’s all secondary. First and foremost, he needs to get clean and stable. Only then can he go into psychotherapy, because abstinence is a prerequisite.
And how does that affect you as a mother?
My maternal feelings, well… I’ve been through all the phases… Disbelief, despair, anger, grief, hope, hopelessness, resignation, helplessness… I think all options are possible – even total collapse with homelessness, prison, death… But the hope that everything will be alright remains. We keep fighting. Philipp is now very open about his drug use. That helps a little to understand, but I’m still often stunned.
What hope do you have?
I really, really hope – especially for his own sake – that he gets his act together and can lead a happy life in the end. He has so much potential. Even as a toddler, he was so special with his enormous thirst for knowledge. He was always mentally alert in his perception, questioning so many things that most people take for granted. Annoying at times, but also funny and friendly. But he also got a lot of flak…
Unfortunately, his personality and ADHD-related symptoms have caused him social problems throughout his life, and he has been constantly „bullied“. Drugs also gave him a sense of belonging. And the fatal thing is that it worked for him.
How exactly?
Finally peace of mind, finally no longer so inhibited in social interactions. Less impulsiveness and fewer arguments at home. Unfortunately, it is often the case that neurodivergent people try to treat themselves with drugs. In his case, this was also a factor, despite early ADHD treatment, including medication.
What other things are on your mind?
What makes it so difficult for relatives, apart from the actual problem, is the stigma attached to addiction problems – not only, but especially among young people. The problem is no longer so minor. It is becoming increasingly serious due to the easy availability and glorification of drugs, for example in German rap music.
And then people are quick to judge?
Exactly. Shame often prevents people from confiding in others and seeking help. For example, I haven’t missed a single day at work because of this. My colleagues have absolutely no idea about any of this.
Why?
I’m afraid of being judged, of being seen as a bad mother who has failed. On the other hand, it’s also my safe space, where I can pretend I don’t have these problems. It’s a dilemma.
But here you are talking openly with us.
Yes, because I myself see how important it is to bring the issue more into the public eye and break down barriers. Sometimes there is also a lack of guidance in the support system.
What helps you?
I talk to some close friends and also to other affected relatives. That helps a little, but it’s also stressful. There are some really bad stories and some of them end really badly. We can only be there and hope for the best.
