Dear friends, how can we stay happy in a long-term relationship? What questions can I ask myself about my relationship to see whether I still want all this… or perhaps not anymore? In their book „Should I stay or should I go„, Dagmar Kieselbach and Thomas Hallet help us sort through these thoughts and make it easier for us to reach a decision. They have formulated twenty questions that we can ask ourselves about our relationship to see whether we should stay or go. They also give some good, practical tips in this interview.
Dear readers, as a long-term couple, you advise other long-term couples as couple coaches. How much do you take from these consultations for your own relationship?
Every couple’s life is so individual that you cannot transfer experiences from other relationships one-to-one to your own. And we don’t do that. But through our intensive engagement with relationship issues, we are very alert to what is happening in our own relationship. That doesn’t mean we don’t argue or have conflicts. We do. The difference is more that our internal warning systems kick in earlier. We recognise patterns more quickly – and usually find a way out more quickly too. So our counselling sensitises us to typical, problematic patterns.
Many couples come to you after an affair – or, as you say, an extramarital relationship – because it feels overwhelming for everyone involved. How can you help in concrete terms?
An affair that has been exposed is a massive shock to a relationship. It pulls the rug out from under both partners, albeit in very different ways. Suddenly, there is hurt, betrayal, anger, shame, guilt and fear of loss. For many couples, it is almost impossible to cope with all of this without support. Our first task is therefore to help couples sort through this emotional chaos. The hurt must be acknowledged before healing can take place. Only later can we begin to understand why it happened, whether a new beginning is possible, and how trust can be rebuilt.
Your book is called „Should I stay or should I go“ because you say that many people ask themselves this question in mid-life. How did this come about?
Should I stay or should I go? – this is a question many people ask themselves in a long-term relationship. Often unspoken, quiet, sometimes for years. It usually does not arise from a single event, but from an inner exhaustion. When conversations go round in circles, when intimacy is lost, when hurt feelings accumulate. Especially in mid-life, several things often come together.
Many external conditions that have sustained a relationship for a long time change or disappear. Children become independent, professional roles are established. This creates space for questions that previously had little room. „Was that it – or is there more to come?“ You look differently at your own life, at intimacy, at missed desires. It’s not that a relationship is bad. It’s that it is no longer developing. But what further development might look like is unclear.
You are probably familiar with the image of the frog that jumps out of the pot immediately when the water is very hot, but stays in when the water heats up slowly – it then fails to jump out and dies gradually…
Couples who come to us for counselling are usually couples who do not simply remain passive in the pot. They are couples who want to change something and who feel that they do not want to continue like this. But there are certainly also many couples who do not really notice that they are slowly but steadily drifting apart in their relationship.
Closeness is slowly lost, dissatisfaction grows. Many couples settle comfortably into a state that actually makes them unhappy. At some point, this unhappiness becomes familiar. And then the relationship may end up like the poor frog. That’s why honest questions are so important. To your partner. But also to yourself: are you actually still happy? Enduring is not a sustainable relationship concept.
If there is no violence in the long-term relationship and it has simply become boring somehow, you live together more as flatmates than as lovers. How can you rekindle the fire?
It’s less about rekindling a big fire and more about striking small sparks. Good conversations, conscious closeness, attention, rediscovering lightness. Being permanently in love is not a realistic goal. But liveliness, connection and desire can always be rekindled.
To achieve this, you need the courage to break out of old patterns and try something new. For example, expressing your desires, sharing your insecurities and having the courage to let your partner surprise you. And finally, it’s about curiosity. Not assuming that you already know everything about your partner after all the years you’ve been together. Desire and vitality arise when you can simply discover your partner from a new perspective.
You like to ask couples to tell you what they fell in love with in each other at the beginning. And you say that if someone can’t remember, it’s a sign that it might be coming to an end, right?
Behind the question about the beginning of a relationship is the idea that the couple should remember this phase of falling in love. And remind themselves why they were so enthusiastic about each other back then. Many couples we work with can spontaneously connect with each other when asked this question, and this often relaxes what can be a tense conversation. However, we do not agree with the reverse conclusion: that those who cannot remember have a poor prognosis. Working with the couple is certainly not easier in this case, but it is not without hope.
When do you think it’s worth fighting for a relationship? And when do you think it’s better to break up?
We struggle with the term „fight“. Because „fight“ suggests that one or both partners could save the relationship on their own. It’s more about asking questions: What am I missing in my relationship? What can I do myself to change and improve that? What still connects us? What are the reasons for staying together? What would I like more of, and what less of?
In our counselling sessions, we often notice that thoughts of separation and threats of separation overshadow such questions and have a destructive effect on an already stressed relationship. Incidentally, we don’t tell a couple that a separation would be appropriate. However, it becomes more likely if one of them withdraws from the conversation and doesn’t want any change. In other words, if he or she would rather remain in a deadlocked situation.
What question can I ask myself about my relationship when I think: My partner is actually great, but I’m looking enviously at all the newly in love couples around me who are experiencing so much passion in their „second round“ and are being carried on hands?
A good question might be: What do I want for my own relationship, what am I perhaps dissatisfied with, do I feel that things have stagnated? Being newly in love is certainly a thrill and always a wonderful phase in a relationship. But then other phases come along that challenge a couple to keep their relationship alive. Being in love happens naturally. But for love, you have to keep an eye on the relationship and work on it every day. Why do so many people stay in relationships that are not good for them? This is a phenomenon that we have seen in many forms in our counselling practice. We often hear: „We’ve grown apart.“ But how can a couple change that? Change takes effort. It seems easier and more convenient to let things continue as they are, to nag and withdraw. Many couples resign themselves to the fact that things are no longer going well and perhaps believe that a long-term relationship gradually falls apart on its own.
In counselling, the aim is to ask what similarities both partners can rediscover and what they would like to do to achieve this. However, many come to us feeling quite helpless because they do not know how to escape their constant arguments. And how they can communicate better with each other again. They come to us because they hope to find support.
But why are there more breakups than ever before, and yet people are still getting married in droves? Do we simply want to believe in eternal happiness with THE ONE person?
Yes, that’s true for many. Romantic love is still an ideal that is deeply rooted in our society and culture. Eternal happiness with this chosen one is also a beautiful prospect. In our crisis-prone times, we believe it is particularly tempting – because a relationship promises not only lightness and vitality, but also stability and control over one’s own circumstances.
