Dear ones, Suse responded to our article about the two party friends because for a long time she was rather neutral about the occasional use of drugs and the legalisation of cannabis. But now, as a mother, she has experienced how quickly addiction can happen, because her 16-year-old daughter fell into a difficult circle of friends at some point and experienced a total crash. Suse describes it as „the hell“ that can happen in the best of families…
Dear Suse, you used to be rather open to the legalisation of cannabis, to what extent were you involved in the issue yourself at the time?
In my teenage years, I also tried smoking weed with friends at the weekend. Pulling on a bag in a group was cool back then. However, I never felt a high or a craving for more, never smoked weed to relax or got cannabis myself. That’s why I didn’t believe it was possible to become addicted or dependent. Today, of course, I see things very differently.
As a family, you’ve now been through „hell“ – as you describe it. Your daughter has had a total crash. How did it start? How old was she then? When did you find out about it?
At 14, she started smoking and drinking energy drinks. She wanted to belong, be cool, make friends. People told us that our daughter had been seen smoking. Of course we had conversations and tried to get to the bottom of the problems. That’s where I tried family support for the first time. There were conversations. With us, individually. The diagnosis was „exhausting“ teenager with a strong will, testing the limits. We were advised to be patient and understanding. Even there, they didn’t believe me that Lara was just a touch more than just a pubescent teenager.
How did you find access to her back then Were you able to talk to her? Did you have any influence over who she met up with?
That’s exactly what I struggled with back then! Find access to her. Talk to her. Be understanding. But what do you do when the child stops talking? Just hurls hate and anger at you. Whether father or mother? Just climbs out of the window and disappears? We tried to talk, to punish etc. We were simply powerless. We were simply powerless. For example, we took her mobile phone away. Once, when she just came home again at four in the morning, we didn’t open the door. Nothing worked.
Did your daughter also tend towards extremes before that or did it really just come from the wrong circles after a normal, sheltered childhood?
The answers to these questions have always baffled the police and employees of the youth welfare office. We even invited the youth welfare office to our home. My husband and I have been married for 20 years now. Lara has a younger sister. We live in a quiet village near a large district town. Lara went to primary school here and transferred to grammar school after four years with an A grade and a grammar school recommendation.
She was very strong-willed as a child, but not conspicuous. She enjoyed going to school, playing with Playmobil, karate and playing the guitar. But what attracted her were people who pushed boundaries. That’s how she first came into contact with the people who had stayed behind at secondary school, who were behaving conspicuously, and then met the city kids who were hanging out in the park smoking.
At what point did you start to worry?
When teachers suddenly contacted us to say that Lara was so rebellious and her grades were slipping at school.
That was in year 7.
How did you realise what she was consuming? What was all of it? Has her personality changed? Did you react with strictness and boundaries or did you say for a long time: „We trust you“
?
Before corona, she had to change schools. A different location and secondary school to take the stress and pressure off her. She graduated from secondary school there and had her first major breakdown before the graduation ceremony. She didn’t come home, even though there hadn’t been a fight or anything. We called the police at four in the morning after asking some of her colleagues.
I really thought my child was dying in the ditch. Later it came out that my colleagues had lied to me and she had been sitting with them cheerfully consuming drugs.
She was taken into custody by the police because she was still a minor. The youth welfare office was called in, who already knew us from the voluntary visit from the family help centre, and Lara had to go to the doctor because she was unwell. Here, the drug test was for many substances, such as benzos, meth and heroin.
Although I said at the police station that our family wasn’t able to cope with the situation, I had to take Lara home with me. There she stole our savings (400 euros) and disappeared again. When she was picked up by the police this time, the youth welfare office took her into care (to protect me and her sister). Strictness, boundaries and trust only work if both parties are somehow involved. We had no chance and I doubted myself as a mother.
Who supported you during this time, were you able to rely on the youth welfare office or other offers of help? So getting help in a situation like this is not that easy?
Photo: pixabay
I begged for help. Lara was placed in an in-care centre and just went there sometimes. When she was hungry or wanted a shower. The staff suddenly realised that she wasn’t just a teenager who needed a quick wake-up call. We often didn’t get through to anyone, there was no feedback. We wanted to find solutions, ideas, but we fell on deaf ears, overwhelmed employees, files that were pushed back and forth.
I can’t count how many different contacts we had. Because I was in such a bad way, I turned to the drug counselling. They helped me there. I had talks every week and finally someone who had ideas, knew the law and stood on the youth welfare office’s toes.
Did you pull together as parents and strengthen each other or were there also mutual accusations in all the despair and loss of control?
Our second daughter suffered a lot and still suffers from anxiety today. When people you love don’t come home, the police are suddenly at your door, people look askance, you change. My husband and I had a lot of conflicts. While he was of the opinion much earlier that we had to drop our daughter so that she would wake up at some point, I wanted to help for much longer. Today I know that he was right. (This doesn’t apply to all children. But with our daughter’s character, it was the only strategy that made a difference)
There was a major police operation at your home last December. How did it come about and how did it feel for you?
Lara was also characterised by changing relationships. In the end, she was in a relationship with a drug dealer. Due to her heavy use of cannabis and benzos (which, according to drug counselling, is a big trend among young people and very dangerous), Lara became more and more aggressive and also behaved really badly at home.
One evening, she was simply in our house with a colleague, consuming benzos and both were walking/falling around the house in an apathetic or drunken state. My husband kicked the young man out of the house and we told Lara that she would have to leave our house the following day.
When I came home from work the next day, she was sitting happily at the table eating. I told her to pack up and leave. Then the situation escalated. She took a long bread knife and threatened me and her life. I called the emergency services and a large-scale operation ensued. She was overpowered and taken to a psychiatric ward.</p
Your daughter was then taken to a psychiatric ward. Were you allowed to have contact? Did the doctors involve you? How long did it last? How did she cope with the withdrawal?
She was locked up there for three days because she was a danger to herself. She contacted us from there, but we were firm this time. No going back without therapy. So she started three weeks of rehab. It has to be said that Lara didn’t go through physical withdrawal. She had to learn to face up to her problems and not smoke a joint to switch off or take benzos so she could chill.
The doctor on the rehab ward found a good approach to Lara and she co-operated for the first time. After three weeks, there was to be a change of ward, but Lara wanted to go home. We then had discussions with the doctors and a trial weekend. During this weekend, we agreed on rules for her return. This time we had the upper hand as Lara was of legal age in September. Return on our terms or homeless accommodation.
How did things continue with her at home afterwards? How are things going now? What is she doing, does she have plans?
So she came back, had to be home every evening at 7pm and undergo drug tests. Another condition was that she continued to attend counselling. Once again, the drug counselling service, which has always supported me, came to the rescue and helped.
Lara started an apprenticeship in September. She spends a lot of time with us and has broken off contact with her old friends.
She also has a meeting with her drug counsellor every three weeks. She already wanted to let her off the leash, but Lara does not want that yet. In psychiatry topics such as borderline or ADHD came up, but even here it is incredibly difficult to get help. But Lara now accepts help and can deal with conflicts much better. I would now describe her as a normal teenager.
It’s important to you to tell your story because you say that many people underestimate how quickly it can happen… would you like to say a few words to parents and children who may be affected or do you have an appeal for prevention?
Photo: pixabay
To unaffected parents: Don’t point the finger at others! Some parents do well, others don’t. A lack of parenting or a lack of love doesn’t always play a role. Understanding is more important and helpful than criticism and bad words.</p
To affected parents: Don’t give up and hang in there! Get help from different places. There is no shame in not knowing what to do and being helpless. If drugs and friends take priority, you are powerless and you haven’t done everything wrong. The drug counsellor said to me: „You have done everything for your daughter. You have loved her, you have strengthened her. At some point she will remember that and find her way. Sometimes you have to let go first“ . She was right.
To the kids who use: The drugs control you, not you control the drugs. And never forget who loves you 😉
What do you want for the coming months and years?
That’s easy: normality That I don’t get a fright when the phone rings. That the four of us spend Christmas together. That I can nag Lara because there’s a lot of crockery in her room
Reading the summary here and knowing what we’ve been through over the last five years (this is just a brief excerpt from police calls, thefts, lies, etc.), I think we can endure and endure much more than you think.
Thank you for letting me tell my story briefly.
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