Your loved one, older man, young woman – this constellation is probably far more socially accepted than the other way round. In general, relationships with a large age difference are always special and the lovers face different challenges than partners of the same age. Regina and Manuel have been a couple for four years – despite the 18-year age difference. We spoke to Regina about it.
Dear Regina, your partner is 18 years younger than you. How and when did you two meet?
It really was like a film: we met in the playground! My son met a new friend in Year 1 who was never supervised by his mum when he played, but always by his brother, who was 12 years older – and that was HE, Manuel, my current partner!
I was still living in a flat with my ex-husband and my 2 kids at the time, but we were already separated – after more than 10 difficult years with more downs than ups. So I was single and during this time I spent a lot of time dealing with myself and my inner issues – and let’s say with my healing. I was in no way looking for a new relationship! I was actually pretty at peace with myself. Then I got to know Manuel through the occasional playground meetings and we just chatted about God and the world.
So Manuel was 19 at the time – did you ever think: This can’t go well?
I never actually thought that. He was never „a 19-year-old“ for me. He was always just Manuel to me. And that was just right.
I was impressed right from the start by how well I could converse with him, despite his young age. Of course, I didn’t have any „intentions“ at the beginning because of his age, but simply enjoyed the occasional conversations. The topics, the humour, the interaction with the kids – we were just totally on the same wavelength. It wasn’t until a few months later that I realised that I was looking forward to doing things together more and more, and that he also seemed to be somehow excited when we met up. However, we always had the children in tow…
So one day I suggested to him that we could meet up as a couple. That took a lot of courage, because I didn’t know whether he wouldn’t think I was crazy – despite all my sympathies! But I was lucky and he enthusiastically agreed. Then we quickly realised that we really did belong together somehow 🙂
What fascinated you about him? And what do you particularly love about him today?
I’m sure he was already more emotionally mature than other men his age back then. I was fascinated by this mixture: his very loving, empathetic nature on the one hand, and his determination & consistency on the other. In some things, he is much more „mature“ than me, because I am sometimes more of a crazy & spontaneous noodle. For example, I’ve learned a lot from him in terms of self-discipline and thriftiness 😉 I especially love his sense of humour, we laugh a lot together!
You had other relationships before him, of course. What are the biggest differences to these relationships and to the men?
My previous relationships have all felt mostly serious, tedious & exhausting. I found it difficult to trust, there were many disappointments and after my marriage I had somehow almost given up on the topic of „romantic relationships“. With Manuel, everything is different now and I feel like I’m actually experiencing „authentic love“ with him for the first time – now as a woman in her 40s.
I think we are perhaps more careful with each other than many other couples because we realise how special our relationship is. We’re really on an equal footing with each other, we don’t play games and we make a great effort to engage with each other’s lives and take each other’s issues seriously – which is certainly of central importance given the age difference.
Were there any stupid comments about your age difference?
One of my closest friends was very against my relationship with Manuel at the beginning and warned me quite clearly: „Don’t ruin this boy’s life!“. In the sense of: I’m just standing in his way, he can’t develop authentically, can’t make his own decisions, etc. I think this is based on the prejudice that an older partner would automatically „mother“ and patronise her younger husband. That’s absolutely not the case with us! And another cliché that crops up from time to time is that you have to „buy“ a younger man á la Sugar Mommy. Of course, that’s not the point with us either, as I said, he’s much more frugal than me 😉
Fortunately, the reactions in our private environment were consistently positive. Of course, we took our time at the beginning before we told our friends and families because we didn’t know where it would lead. Manuel, for example, found it a bit difficult to tell his mum about it, as she is only a little older than me. That was also a bit strange for me at first. But now we all have a great relationship, celebrate birthdays together and everything is fine! And his mum has now married a much younger man herself 🙂
Are there any topics/moments when you realise that there is a big age difference?
Yes, of course…especially the topic of children has brought us many a painful conversation. He’s pretty sure that he wants children of his own one day, but not any time soon. I, on the other hand, already have 2 kids and I’m already 41. I don’t think much about it, but he occasionally wonders how it will all turn out and that it’s a real shame in this respect that we have this big age difference. I also find it sad and a really weird idea that another woman will become the mother of his children. But we’ll see how it all works out.
Are you ever afraid of being replaced by a younger woman at some point?
Well, not by an older one for sure 🙂 No, joking aside… I pretty much live in the here & now and have said to myself from the very beginning: this wonderful relationship is a great gift in my life. I am happy and grateful as long as we are happy together and everything is going well. If it doesn’t work out at some point, for whatever reason, it will certainly hurt. But ultimately, there’s no „guarantee“ in any relationship anyway.
You also have children from a previous relationship – what was it like for him to get into such a routine with children?
Because he’s always enjoyed looking after his younger brother, he was totally open-minded and relaxed – I don’t think it would have worked otherwise. However, I made a conscious effort right from the start not to impose such a „substitute dad“ role on him at his age.
I tend to spend my day-to-day life with my children, and mainly my child-free time with Manuel (when the kids are with my ex-husband, who fortunately is also a very committed father anyway). As a couple, we regularly go on weekend trips and short holidays, or simply enjoy the peace and quiet in nature together. But of course we also always do things with the children, they really like him. By the way, his brother and my son are still best friends 🙂
How has this love changed your life? How have you changed?
More warmth has come into my life. Confidence, trust, joie de vivre… With Manuel, I realise for the first time that I can really rely on someone 100%. That I am really seen. That being in a relationship can feel easy and be fun. That I can be authentic. I’m totally grateful for that!
Is there anything you have learnt in the last 4 years?
It’s worth thinking outside the box and simply engaging with people: I certainly couldn’t have imagined 5 years ago that I would be dating a 19-year-old student. (He’s now finished his degree and is a banker – which would also have meant that he would have completely fallen through the cracks for me due to my prejudices :-))
We have grown together over these 4 years and have accompanied each other on our individual paths. And our love reminds us every day: it’s the NOW that counts 🙂
