What we can learn from „difficult children“

Dear ones, what are „difficult children“ or rather: Do „difficult children“ even exist? Martha Wirtenberger deals with exactly that. She has been working as a psychosocial counsellor, mentor and author for over 20 years. Her focus is on mental health, promoting resilience and supporting adults, children, young people and their carers. She has written down her thoughts for us on „difficult children“ and how to deal with them.

What we can learn from „difficult children“

We hear time and again in the media, but also in conversations on the bus, with friends or from neighbours: „This child is just so difficult!“ In this article, I would like to tell you what bothers me so much about this statement and how we can learn a completely different perspective.

Whenever a child doesn’t behave the way we would like them to (usually this means that the child is quiet and polite, learns well, has lots of interests and likeable friends), we can recognise that this child needs something different. Sometimes the child’s behaviour clearly shows where something is not right. Children perceive an enormous amount and can feel strongly. They are often very clever, sensitive and want to be recognised for their uniqueness.

So maybe it’s up to us adults to look at the child from a different and perhaps new perspective? Today I would like to tell you five things from my experience and perspective that we can learn and recognise:

When a child pushes you to your limits, recognise the limits

What do I mean by that? Sometimes we simply have unrealistic expectations. We want X from our child and get Y through our actions. Children often sense exactly what is not being said. Perhaps we can check ourselves to see exactly where we stand. And whether we want to build up pressure, steer the child in a certain direction or simply hold the inner conviction ourselves: „It has to be exactly like this and nothing else!“ What if we always took the time to reflect on our behaviour?

„Difficult“ children often show us what lies behind them

If a child becomes loud and restless, is fidgety or is absolutely resistant (homework is often a good example of this), we can look at what exactly is causing this, regardless of their behaviour.

Are we ourselves calm inside or are we accompanied by an inner tension and nervousness that may be transferred to the child?  Or does the child simply need relaxation and a little more time to get involved in the situation?

Recognise what the child really needs right now

„Difficult“ children can be, for example, those who (cannot) sit still, always talk back, are cheeky or disrespectful, often provoke, refuse to learn or do not feel their boundaries

.

They often have no other way of communicating than through their more conspicuous behaviour. If we adapt to each child and establish a bond, we will usually understand better what the child is trying to tell us.

In essence, a child always wants to learn, is curious and can be inspired. If this is not the case, it may need other methods or the child is not feeling well. The better we know the child, the clearer it will become to us whether the behaviour occurs in certain situations, occurs in phases and/or becomes more intense. The child wants to communicate and shows us what they need and where their needs are not being met.

Further to point 3, certain children feel very comfortable in a certain context and others withdraw, become „behaviourally creative“ or react in a way that can reveal a lot to us. School is a very good example of this! Many children love going to regular school and learn with joy and enthusiasm.

There are also many children who can develop better in a different form of school/education. In order to be and remain healthy in the long term, children definitely need an environment in which they can develop and their potential is seen, recognised, encouraged and supported. What if behaviour sometimes also shows us that something simply doesn’t „fit“?

More closeness, more breaks

Some so-called „difficult“ children need a lot of physical contact, can’t feel themselves and are restless, sometimes even aggressive. I have very often found that these children want to show me: „Please give me a hug!“ and either actively get their cuddles or send out a cry for more attention through their behaviour.

It can also be an expression of the fact that they are massively overwhelmed and simply need a relaxing break. As adults, we can also learn to allow ourselves more rest periods and to recognise ourselves. The relationship and the feeling of security, of „being safe“ is very important so that we can interpret and understand the behaviour correctly and support the children in the way they need and is beneficial for them.

It is also important that we always have the choice of what we consider to be „difficult“ and whether we really want to look and recognise it. Because, of course, becoming aware also means that we ourselves learn and develop with the child. The choice of how we act and react is always ours and the more we engage with the child’s world, the better we can understand and recognise it.