Lisa’s children have discovered pyjama parties. Why can’t she allow them at home? She tells us here…
„Mum, can I spend the night at Anna’s tonight? She’s having a pyjama party with 13 girls.“ „Sure, you can“, I reply. And if I were a cartoon character, my brain would start to steam and the thought bubble above me would be full of poison signs and exploding metal spirals. 13 girls? A whole night? They won’t sleep a wink! There would be no such thing for me.
To understand the warning signs in my head, you need to know that after three children of my own in two years – including twins – I have moderate sleep deprivation trauma left over from the first few years of having babies. My sleep has been sacred to me since that time, when I was woken up to 18 times a night and at some point I no longer knew whether it was day or night. Because the children made no difference. And because I was so tired both day and night that my whole brain felt as sticky as chewing gum.
Now my sleep is pretty light anyway. One strange noise – and I’m sitting up in bed wide awake. My husband once called me „The Sleep Saint“ because when I was a baby, he would often wake up in the morning with a „Oh, the night was good“ and then I would surprise him with a „Yes, except for the five breastfeeding interruptions“. At some point, he thought I wasn’t asleep at all, but just falling into a kind of doze that made me wake up at every sound and calm the children down. He called me „holy“ for the fact that I was still able to do this on the 425th night. I would rather call it maternal instinct. But it’s still particularly strong today.
I can’t relax when we have a child over for the night. I don’t sleep well because I don’t know whether the visiting child might get homesick. Whether it will fall down our stairs at night, sleepwalking. Whether it will get thirsty. After all, I’m in charge! So I always have one ear in the nursery and that stresses me out. I can’t get any rest. The problem is definitely me.The idea of having more than one other child besides our own three in our house at night, but 13, really makes me shudder. Because there is this romantic image of several children on mattresses, snuggling up together in their pyjamas under their blankets, putting their heads together and then all happily falling asleep. But in reality, 13 girls giggle until 3am and are then back on the mat at 7am. Completely exhausted for the next three days.
And if they don’t do that and really do fall asleep at ten o’clock (hahaha!), then the point of the sleepover party is even less clear to me. Then they do sleep! You don’t even realise that your boyfriend or girlfriend is visiting? Or is it perhaps more about secretly staying awake? That may be nice for the children, but for us as parents?
Maybe my lack of understanding is simply due to the fact that I used to be a homesick child myself. Until I was 13, I didn’t want to sleep anywhere else. I tried again and again, but couldn’t manage it. So I only associate sleepovers with longing for my mum – and maybe that’s why I can’t really understand what’s so great about sleeping in other people’s beds. The fact that I finally went on a school exchange abroad for a year at the age of 15 – no more homesickness far and wide – just goes to show me that such habits can change. Who knows, maybe in two years‘ time I’ll be talking about sleepover parties at our house in a completely different way? I’m not ruling it out. But I still need my sleep at night.
Everyone is always welcome here. During the day, six or even 13 children can play here and run around the garden. I often like to put my needs behind those of the children, plan things and try to make as much possible for everyone. But at night, that’s when I want my peace and quiet. And I get my way – even if this recently shocked our youngest son’s three best friends in particular. They had already announced a sleepover party at our house to their parents and said: „Lisa, she always allows everything anyway“. When they heard a „no“ from me, they couldn’t believe it. Why on earth not?
I didn’t explain to them that I can only allow and be patient so much during the day because I get my sacred sleep at night. I just got in touch with their parents and was completely honest: sleepover parties? Not with us, please. So we agreed that the children would play with us until the evening – and then walk to the friend’s house as a night walk. I would accompany them and have some peace and quiet at night. The other mum was happy because they sleep at night anyway. And I was even happier because I would get my much-anticipated sleep after an action-packed day with the children.
This article originally appeared in the magazine Eltern Family.
